to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

Your dh needs to hold all his holiday time for the weeks after parental care.
I think you will manage everything except the driving after the first few weeks.
I know its not totally your place but someone needs to talk to her school come Sept to discuss her behaviour and see if she needs some intervention. Aside from anuthing to do with the baby she sounds troubled and early intervention is always best.
Who does your dh think will drive her to school if you have a csection? Maybe discuss this with him , not in an accusing way, but in lets make a plan here way. It would be irresponsible of him not to have that organised.
And time out is recommended as a minute a year so 7 mins if she is 7. But l think its time to seriously look to see if she has some special needs as there is a few flags for it there.

Sounds like she just needs some boundaries tbh. You know how obsessed she is yet when she went to the toilet you didn’t think to check she was actually going? Or to say ‘I know you love helping with x but she needs to sleep now so if you wake her we will have to leave’?

OK -
1 - tell your other half to sort out the pick ups (this could mean an after school club etc til he can or even a grandparent.
HAve you been together since she was in school?
2 buy a baby, watch the videos read the book's. Practice being gentle and what's allowed and what's not.

There’s something about this thread that’s making me feel horribly uneasy.

Normally, when a second child comes into the family, you wouldn’t even consider pushing the existing child out to the extent than you are. You don’t have the luxury of “taking time out” or “getting used to the idea” (Disney bollocks 🤢) or taking time off ffrom your normal routing. C-section rest aside, obviously. The baby just needs to fit into your existing routine as quickly as possible.

You married a man a with a daughter. Presumably this baby is planned. She is part of your family. Maybe she senses what you’re planning and was trying to show you how helpful she can be? Albeit in a misguided fashion.

The rights/wrongs//practicalities of your existing arrangement are irrelevant; it’s the routine she’s now used to and you run the risk of pushing her out if you change it. It must be at least 4pm each day when you get her home so it’s really only a couple of hours you need to manage! What time does DH start and finish work?

The longer this goes on the more perplexed I am becoming. Your problem is that DH is not stepping up and taking responsibility for HIS child(ren). You don't need to argue with women on the internet or pick up SD's particular behaviour issues on that front - you flat-out can't do that school run for the first month or two, for starters.

You are getting mixed responses on here partly because MN can be hostile to step parents but also because you're muddling lots of things together and some are more substantial than others. Use this to clarify the discussion you're going to have with DH. The stuff about wanting space alone for bonding or breastfeeding is just hard luck when there's an older sibling; the stuff about not being able to do the school run, or to have sole care of a newborn and an impulsive older child, is important and is DH's problem to solve.

@HopefullyAnonymous personally I think routine should change a bit, DH should take on more responsibility and I should not be doing 40 like round trips with a new born after two weeks. I'm asking for slight change for 6 weeks, not to banish SD for a lifetime. I'm going to need help but seems many on here (though not most) thinks I should just carry on as usual regardless of the fact that I will have just had my first baby. I have no idea what I am doing, I'm anxious and scared and would simply like some extra support and to not be on my own with SD and baby for the first 4-6 weeks. I honestly don't think that's a huge ask.

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair it's all relevant though because it all contributes to the existing issue, having to look after SD who doesn't listen to me like she does her parents when I have a newborn.

Ask yourself this. If SD was your own child would you be asking not to be on your own for 6 weeks? I think not.

You are massively exaggerating how big of a problem this is. It’s a couple of hours a few times a week, not a constant slog with no respite.

@HopefullyAnonymous it's every other Saturday/Sunday when DH is often at work, mornings before school and evenings from 3:30-7. I think that's a lot with a newborn.

The whole 'if she was your own' thing doesn't make sense. She's not my own. I could say to DH 'if you were single you would have to do all the childcare yourself so I'm not doing it' - but he's not single.

I'm asking for compromise and to not have to have the sole responsibility of a difficult 7 year old for a few weeks after baby is born, a 40 mile round trip a number of times a week and little to no help. Would you drive 80 miles a day 3/4 days a week with a two week old?

@HopefullyAnonymous and if she was my own I would certainly be expecting more support for the first few weeks, and would likely know why to expect anyway as I would've been through it before. Entirely different scenario.

People seem to be forgetting that OP has a duty to the newborn just as much as to the 7 year old. If she was on here asking if the school run was ok, posters would be up in arms about expecting to keep a newborn in a car seat for that long. It's not ok. It would be negligent.

It really baffles me that I post one thing and people get mad telling me that step parents shouldn't be doing school runs and that DH should step up to the plate and that I should be offered more support.

Then I post that I need help when baby arrives and that I don't want to be doing long school runs for a few weeks and I am told that I need to continue as I am and that it's awful that I'm considering needing extra support with SD.

Can't win!

Your maths makes no sense; it can’t be 4 times a week if some of the days are weekends and you have her 50% of the time. You are being dramatic.

It’s irrelevant that she’s not your child. You knew what you were taking on and I find it deeply unpleasant that you’re considering pushing her to one side for whatever period of time. She’s a young child with feelings!!

Also, if she begins to feel left out/less cared for/needing attention, her behaviour is extremely unlikely to improve.

It’s irrelevant that she’s not your child.

And yet, let's be honest, OP is getting all the stick she is because she is a step parent.

@HopefullyAnonymous yes it can be when we do alternating weeks and the arrangements change occasionally (a fair bit) to meet parents plans.

I'm not pushing anyone to one side I simply want some extra support but clearly you can't see that so we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I don't think a 7 year old is going to be damaged by her father picking her up from school more or her spending more time with us all as a family as opposed to me on my own, but maybe I'm wrong!

"it's all relevant though because it all contributes to the existing issue, having to look after SD who doesn't listen to me like she does her parents when I have a newborn."

Well, yeah, but. This is where it gets a bit icky for me (and I admit I'm not a step parent and nor do my children have step parents so I'm not sure how that varies things).

I posted earlier that I had to cope with my own fairly impulsive DC1 when DC2 came along. I totally get that it's hard. (In spite of being my own, he definitely doesn't behave impeccably for me and I'm surprised to hear that your SD always listens to her biological parents!) But the way I perceived that difficulty seems very different from you - for me it was: my first child is going to go through the most difficult transition in his life, how can I support him and stay connected with him? What practical steps do I need to take to ensure everyone is safe and gets their needs met? I carried my baby with me everywhere as standard (did the same with DC1 actually as he was total Velcro baby even though obv he would have been perfectly safe left in his crib while I showered!). I worked out what DC1 and I could do together while the baby was breastfeeding. The baby lived in a stretchy sling for weeks and weeks. And like you, because of the age gap I got to spend the main part of the day back in bed marvelling at my newborn while DC1 was at school.

Lots of people have already told you that the solution is to ensure the DC are never unsupervised together, even for a moment, and also validated that the drive is not something you can do to start with. And god yes, the after school period and weekends with a tricky 6/7yo plus newborn can be really tough (am a lone parent - through choice - so don't think I don't get that).

Yes you need DH to step up. But what you seem to keep saying over and over is 'how can I cope because this child is so bad'. And I feel really defensive of this 7yo who asked for none of this and almost seems to be being blamed for her father's absence. Her behaviour does not quite sound typical of her age, but at this point it is what it is and the right solution can't possibly be to have a bit less of her. If she were younger, say 3 or 4, you'd have exactly the same practical challenges and you'd have to cope with them rather than framing her temperament as the problem.

Would you drive 80 miles a day 3/4 days a week with a two week old?

No I wouldn’t. Absolutely not.

I agree with the PP above who says separate out the issues.

Babies cannot be in car seats for longer than a set time. I think you will get further with scenario based stuff: you can’t do that drive so how is DH going to manage that? DH needs to step up more.

Are any grandparents or family around?

That’s not what you said though, is it? You said at first that if you didn’t pick her up she’d just have to see her dad less!

I hope the fact that you’re changing your tune is a positive thing. You’re not unreasonable at all to ask him to help out more with the school run. No one suggested you were, but you intimated that wasn’t an option.

Oh my. I'm surprised at some of the replies here.

You will need some extra support from your husband in the first couple of months after having a baby. He should talk to his employer about some flexibility at least temporarily.

Your step daughter's routine will have to change for those first couple of months. It's not a case of pushing her away, it's an inevitable consequence of the change in family circumstances. This is something her mum and dad should be aware of and should be planning for. If it hasn't crossed their minds yet, you're within your rights to bring it to their attention!

Have you talked to your husband about your concerns? If so, what does he say? If he expects you to do long drives with a newborn and feels uncomfortable approaching his employers about some flexible working then he'll need to work out how he will meet his responsibilities to his 7 year-old.

"If your DH has 50/50 custody of his daughter then he will need to discuss any change to that with his ex won't he? And if it can't be changed, then unless your DH can change his work pattern, then you will have to have your SD on your own."

No, it is NOT Yannia's responsibility just because her actual parents can't be fucked to make arrangements for Their daughter. If he was a single Dad without any partner he would have to sort out childcare himself so he can do it now as well.

Dumping all this on her step-mum for Free childcare, who will be a first time Mum with a newborn is out of order with the school run in particular.

But as usual we see the MN stereotype that step-mums just have to put up with all the shit and STFU.

20 Miles isn’t very far though, that won’t exceed the guidelines for a baby being in a car seat.

Unfortunately this is what you signed up for OP. If you wanted time alone to bond and for your routine to change so dramatically you should’ve had a baby with a man who didn’t already have a child.
Unfortunately with second babies, like everyone else, they have to fit in around your existing routine.

I find this post really sad OP!

I guess it's fair to say that I was once in your shoes. My husband's two older children actually lived with us full time. When your own baby comes along I think it's 'normal' (to some extent) to resent your step-children as you do pine for the full first time mum experience as a threesome with baby, mum and dad (wishing this was his first time experience too). However, the fact is, you are married to a man who already has a child, so unfortunately, you will not experience that and need to get over that dream. You could, with effort, create an even more gorgeous new mum bubble that includes your stepdaughter too.

Secondly, you are worrying about things that haven't actually happened yet. You might have an amazing labour, breast feed without any problem and spring back to your usual self after a few days. After my first baby, I had the most amazing labour, BF straight after she was born, and literally felt back to normal after 2-3 days. You might feel fabulous and decide you don't mind doing the school run - it would give baby specific nap times too. Just wait and see rather than worrying or becoming resentful.

In regards to your step-daughter, I am sorry to say that I do feel there is an underlying tone of wanting to push her out. Throughout the whole post you have only ever referred to her as 'difficult'. Nothing positive at all. The behaviours you have described are all normal for a child her age, and it could be argued that matches shouldn't have been within climbing distance and a bottle should not have been left on the side of the cot for her to reach. Children are not robots and will push the boundaries - your own baby will too. Doing the school run is not the be all and end all of parenting either. You obviously still need to spend quality time too. You know what you signed up for.

My best advice to you as a step mum and as a mum to a VERY boisterous 6 year old girl (a real force of nature) and a 6 month old baby, would be to involve, involve, involve. My daughter is an amazing big sister and I found her help and company really useful in the first few weeks with her baby brother (another great labour but took me weeks to recover this time around). Firstly, when you've had the baby and your SD visits at the hospital, pop baby in the cot when you know she's coming in the room, so you look open to having her there and also not too possessive of the baby (simple things like this wil stop resentfulness building in your SD). Let her have a cuddle (not through gritted teeth!!) and don't fuss or pull baby away straight away. When I was breastfeeding, my daughter was fascinated. She would stare really closely, touch my boobs and once asked if she could have some. Be prepared for this. It's a harmless, normal behaviour and nothing to get stressed about. The novelty will soon ware off. If you feel that would annoy you, then that's really your own problem and not your step-daughter's. Ask if she'd like to help change nappies (passing you the wipes, the nappy etc) and choose baby's clothes. Offer cuddles, even when she hasn't asked, so she feels helpful and that you're acknowledging she gives great cuddles. Constantly tell her what a big sister she is and build her up. Once she is sure she's still loved etc, she'll calm down and resume normal interests. She might make the most lovely big sister too. My daughter absolutely adores her brother and is sooooo good with him. That came from me stepping back and letting her get involved.

How long have you been in step-daughter's life? She's own a little thing herself. All children can be hard work OP. Please get it out of your head that step-daughter is worst than most.

20 Miles isn’t very far though, that won’t exceed the guidelines for a baby being in a car seat.

So a round trip of 40 miles. Let's say an hour, for arguments sake. Twice a day. Five days a week. From newborn.

Fucking ridiculous.

Actually, downright negligent to the newborn.

Oh I couldn’t hack that. Her father will have to be with her 24/7 when she stays. Until she can learn the meaning of the world ‘no’ I wouldn’t have her around the baby without another adult watching her.