to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

My 3yo is my adored first child. We put him in some extra nursery days when ds2 arrived. Dh did all the nursery runs and nearly all of his care. Now 2m in I do most but not all the nursery runs. The op is being completely fair. If the dh went to court to lock in arrangements those arrangements are on him. I wouldn’t never marry a guy with kids but I’d never marry a shit dad with kids.

Of course we would and should aspire to it but ask any mother in here , who do you put first ? Who is/are the MOST important people in our lives ? Who do we have unconditional love for ? It's not our husbands, partners, parents or siblings that are top of the list . Even though these are people we are related to and have known for decades and often ALL of our lives. It's not these cherished people that come first - it is ALWAYS our children and yet people are telling the OP that SHE should be different-that because she fell in love with a man with a child, she MUST some how subjugate that primeval maternal instinct and not feel as she WILL feel about her child. HER child.

There is nothing wrong with OP putting her baby first. The issue here is how her DH deals with BOTH his children. He is the one with the duty to treat equally. Not the step mother. Instead of trotting out the usual trite nonsense of 'she should have realised... marrying a man who already has a child ' I would argue it is HE who should have realised.. and either kept it zipped or commuted to be available when agreeing shared care.
OPs feelings are absolutely valid and normal. Like all of us she wants the best for her child.

Commuted ? - committed!

I am shocked at the posters on here criticising the OP. YADNBU for wanting a few weeks without the responsibility of having your SD alone and it would be ridiculous of people to expect you to do those commutes. I would want a lot longer than 6 weeks without having to do them. I hope your partner and his ex are more understanding than some of the previous posters on here and you work out a solution for the first few months. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy and hope that this thread hasn't added more stress than you are already experiencing.

I am shocked at the posters on here criticising the OP. YADNBU for wanting a few weeks without the responsibility of having your SD alone and it would be ridiculous of people to expect you to do those commutes. I would want a lot longer than 6 weeks without having to do them.

I'm shocked that you're shocked and that you haven't actually understood what people are talking about

@timeisnotaline

"Has your dh ever parented? Or did he marry someone to parent for him?"

You quoted me so I'm guessing your response is aimed at me but it really makes little sense.

I've never dated someone with kids therefore I didn't marry someone with kids.

Yesterday at 22.24 you said DH might be working away as early as the 3rd week

So as her dad won't be around to see her why hasn't anyone asked the mum if she can stay with her (and then she does school runs) while DH is working away?

What I'd the plan if you have a c section or are kept in hospital? Or baby is in special care?

How long have you and DH been together?

Does her mum have any other children?

BTW I also think 20 mins is too long - 1 min got each year + 1 min if you really want to

Also, I think saying an older child (like 7) should be gentle isn't very helpful but explaining how or why to support head is easier for them to understand the reasons

@leighaJ sorry that wasn’t clear. I meant I agreed with you and then the question was for the op, whose dh seems to have fought in court for a serious parenting commitment so he can palm it off onto his lucky new unpaid nanny/wife.

With all the stepmum bashing on this thread I doubt the OP is coming back to read it.

There is no stepmum bashing on this thread. There is merely an expectation of adults to put childrens needs first.

@timeisnotaline

Ah okay that makes sense now. Thanks for clearing it up.

"whose dh seems to have fought in court for a serious parenting commitment so he can palm it off onto his lucky new unpaid nanny/wife."

I had a friend who almost got roped into that role, but the father had primary custody and basically wanted to marry free live in childcare for his 3 kids. She went running for the hills after realising that's what he really wanted from her.

@HotblackDesiatoto

"There is no stepmum bashing on this thread."

There are no trees in the forest either.

I love that the OP is supposed to prioritise "the children" yet is not allowed to put the needs of the newborn first who doesn't want waking up and stuff shoving in his or her mouth. Love it.

I still maintain that she won't be able to watch a 7 year old who likes to play with matches every minute.

I know of at least one couple who put a difficult older child into after school club for a few weeks when they had a newborn and the mum had had a difficult delivery but clearly nothing like this has even entered DH's head.

@HotblackDesiatoto
What about the needs of the newborn and the new mum?
I hope OP gets it all sorted out.

No I'm sorry HotblackDesiato, you have made it very clear from your first post that you expect the OP to go way beyond and above that of any mother and put her much longed for new baby on an equal footing to her step child and to put all her natural maternal instincts on hold to satisfy what you believe is the 'right' behaviour required of a stem mother.
This is complete and utter bollocks. Would you put anyone or anything before your child's safety and happiness HotblackDesiato? I really would be as shocked as you profess to be if you would.

This OP does not 'owe' her first weeks with her newborn to anyone. Especially in some warped idea of 'punishment' for having married a man with a child. The ones with the responsibility to the stepchild are HER PARENTS - not the OP. Her parents need to sort it out. Nothing to do with anyone else.

No, I've made it clear that it is not acceptable to push aside the elded child of the family in order to concentrate on the new one. That is the same whether it is a step child or own child.

Its not about punishment, its warped to suggest it is. Your post, like OP's are focusing solely on the woman/newborn and complete ignoring any and all needs of the existing child.

OP has a responsibility as a stepmother, and her husband has responsibilities as a father. They are not in the situation where they are having their first baby and can focus solely on that child. That is the choice they both made. The SD did not get a choice and does not deserve being pushed aside in such a cavalier manner.

Would I put anything above my childs safety and happiness? Well I ahve multiple children so I can't put every child first, or last, they all have to be considered equally. Which is what OPs partner, and to a lesser but still very important extent her, should be and are not doing.

What about the needs of the newborn and the new mum?

Nobody has said they are not important, but they are not MORE important than anything else.

This is an insane set up. Why on Earth did the OP agree to these school runs? The dad doesn't seem to ever be present to see his kid during contact. How would the mother agree to this? Why does everyone live so far apart? (OP doesn't appear to have a job - who could, to commit to these school runs?)

The whole thing is shit for everyone, mostly though for the step child and the step mother at present. The new baby is a chapter of pain by itself. The parents of the first child don't seem to be having much trouble getting their heads around it though....

OP - you need to have a clear discussion with your husband about this. This commute to school was never going to be sustainable and it's unbelievable it's got this far. Sort it out. If it means that his contact needs to be reduced substantially then so be it. It'll look now like you don't want anything to do with the step child but you've brought this on yourself by committing to such a ludicrous set up.

Don't kid yourself that this will get better after a 6 wk break after birth. I can assure you that little kids do not enjoy 80 mile journeys 5 days a week.

For the sake of both children, this set up has to change immediately.

All the best.

Completely disagree. HotblackDesiato . OP doesn't have to put anyone before her child. It's ridiculous to suggest such a thing. The father has to work out how to treat both his children equally. Just as you have said you treat your children the same. Just as I love my own children equally- a quality that parents develop when they have more than one of their own. However OP DOESNT have one of her own. So wont feel the same. Just saying it, doesn't make it so.
You cannot demand that a mother invent feelings that simply aren't there. Do you honestly believe that step mothers love their step children in EXACTLY the same way as their own children. ? You may want it, and hope that they are fond of them but to expect it is to go against nature.

This obsession with the need to treat all children of separated parents equally is bizarre. Life isn't like that. Sometimes the step daughter will have things 'better'. As she gets older she will enjoy the life of an older child with experiences that her younger step sibling is not able to do. Should she be denied this because it's 'not fair' on the little one ? Children learn throughout life that they can't always have what they want, when they want. (Or they should, if they are not to grow up to be entitled and spoilt). This is one of those times. Step mum has a baby. Much longed for. Her dad needs to Please come and visit and spend some time with Daddy, SM and baby. Then you have to let SM get on with her baby whilst you do older girl things, have more time with mummy if Daddy is working away because SM isn't up to helping Daddy with child care . (Or whatever arrangement Daddy and Mummy make. )

When everyone is settled down, you can be a big sister. That's the way it is. It might be a week it might be six. You need to be patient.

The effect of sorting out more parental leave for the DH and/or extra childcare for the SD (for a few weeks) is in no way comparable to the potential effects of injury to a newborn or a mental health issue for the OP caused by carrying all the mental and physical load.

To a first-time new mum, their newborn definitely is more important than anything else - that's natural and ensures that a new baby is protected and cared for as it should be. Making time for SD, helping SD enjoy being a big sister, involving her are all important but they are for primarily her dad to facilitate, while supporting OP to focus on the baby.

Repeating myself but I’m a great mum. Who temporarily put the needs of me and my newborn ahead of my older child with extra day care. Parents of multiple chIldren are always shifting focus to meet the greatest need at the moment.
Actually I still do as older child thinks his needs are to kiss baby everywhere all the time. To tug sleeping baby over for kiss, pull his arm out of pram for kissing etc. I prioritise and protect my baby!

You cannot demand that a mother invent feelings that simply aren't there. Do you honestly believe that step mothers love their step children in EXACTLY the same way as their own children. ? You may want it, and hope that they are fond of them but to expect it is to go against nature

Its not about FEELINGS its about ACTIONS. Of course you don't feel the same way about stepchildren as you do as your own, it would inane to suggest such a thing, and I did not even slightly. But you don't get to just say "hey, I've made promises and commitments and have treated this child in a certain way...but now I'm having a baby and this child can go away, they are not important any more".

OP is a first time mother, but she has made the choice to be one in a family that already contains a child, so in a very real sense, she is not a first time mother. Or at least can't act like one.

I'm amazed my notions are so controversial and that so many of you see a step child as disposable and replaceable. Which is precisely how this child will feel. She doesn't understand about birth and motherhood, all she knows is that her stepmother cared for her and spent time with her and loved her until she had her own baby and then didn't want her around anymore. And none of you care about that in the slightest.
Very sad to see.

Okay can we all do a role reversal here if it was a step dad who did a lot of care for step child/children and was having his first & wanted to stop all the care of stepchild for 6 weeks for these reasons would we all be saying the same thing I personally don't see the difference just because she's the mother, of course if she has a complicated birth that's a different matter i understand all of her concerns & safety comes first of corse & I do not agree to the 40 miles drives alone with both children but surely not having the child at all for 6 weeks is the best thing here the child will resent the baby and that's a much bigger problem than a excited impulsive child, best solution i can think of is supervision good structure on days schedule etc