to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

@HopefullyAnonymous she would have to see her dad less unless I continue doing 80 miles a day with a two week old. That's exactly what I said. Even the NHS says no to this. 20 miles in rush hour traffic in the morning then again back (making 40 miles) then again at 2 (so another 40 miles) is in my opinion too much at 2 weeks old but fine if you disagree

@Bowlofbabelfish sadly no grandparents. He has a few family members but I wouldn't leave a baby alone with them (nor would he). My family are a long way away as I moved to him so as he would not be away from his DD.

No underlying tone of wanting to push her out. There is an underlying tone of me wanting a bit more support in the first few weeks. She IS difficult. I AM trying to include her. And at the end of the day I think if I were her parent posting this exact same thing, wanting more support from DH, I would be getting very different answers (as I've seen in a number of different threads where people have said the exact opposite of what they've said here, as a majority).

I'm getting an undertone of a dislike of me as a step mother here and this is absolutely (and quite obviously) fuelling a lot of these comments. I take them all on board and am off!

"20 Miles isn’t very far though, that won’t exceed the guidelines for a baby being in a car seat.

Unfortunately this is what you signed up for OP. "

She didn't sign up to be free childcare and doing school runs with a newborn because her husband, the girls actual parent, CBA to make other arrangements.

Stuff like this is why I've never dated anyone with kids, they and the other parent just take advantage of the step-parent. Yet all the step-parent is "good for" to them is taking care of their child like a babysitter. They aren't allowed any input into the raising or discipline of the child.

I think my biggest issue with the OP here is it is all about HER needs and HER worries. I see very little actual empathy here and as much as she has said she loves her SD she has used really quite negative language “so I’m stuck with his difficult daughter” type of language.

You are an adult. You got married to another adult who is a father. This father cannot live full-time with his own child due to adult choices that either he or his ex wife made. The courts decide the BEST thing for the child is to live 50/50 with her parents so they share her care. That is now she has TWO HOMES. She is not a visitor to your house that stays every week- this is her home. The place she should feel secure. At some point either the Mum or your husband choose to live 30 miles apart. This is not the child’s choice.
Now you and your husband decide you want a baby. Again- an adult choice which will impact massively on the child. A baby will be here that lives full time with HER dad. The child loves babies and shows how much she wants to help. The child shows worrying signs of being unable to pay attention, retain information and make safe choices. What are the adults in her life doing about this? Where are the meetings with the school or HV or asking for educational psychology? Where is the concern that this child cannot make good choices? Instead she is labelled immature, difficult, hard work.

It’s all about the adults here- you’ve all made massive choices impacting hugely on this poor wee girl and yet it’s her whose life will be uprooted (you can’t be at home for the time you normally are because there is a new baby- that is the message she will get and she will feel she isn’t as important to her dad or you anymore)
You and her dad and her Mum need to get together to talk about what is best for her and also for your baby as well- being in a car seat for extended times is not ideal. But other than that the advice is for a baby to sleep in the same room as adults for the first 6 months anyway so they should be be left alone to nap even. Breastfeeding rates are awful as it is not normalised for children so feeding etc should all be fine while SD is around. SHE is the existing child here and she should be central to the decisions being made now- as she clearly hasn’t been previously.

I have a 16 week old and she doesn't do well on journeys that long. She has a complete meltdown afterwards.

Well, to this lay person the SD sounds like she may have some additional needs, the things the OP describe do not sound like usual behaviour to me at all for a 7yo.

I agree that your DH and his XW needs to address the logistics - it may well be that you’re firing on all cylinders soon after the birth, but you may not be and SD’s life needs to not be too disrupted. On MN everyone is popping their baby in a wrap and harvesting potatoes a week after giving birth but in RL not so much.

She didn't sign up to be free childcare and doing school runs with a newborn because her husband, the girls actual parent, CBA to make other arrangements.

Has your dh ever parented? Or did he marry someone to parent for him?

My older niece was very much like this when SIL was pregnant with second niece. 2 friends had babies in the months before and she behaved very similarly to your story with your friend. The way my SIL tackled it was to let big niece be as hands on as possible... but in a controlled way.. like being given instructions.. "can you help me wash baby.. can you fetch me a bib for baby.. can you pick an outfit for baby..can you lay the blanket on baby gently she needs a sleep" etc.. so she was constantly involved and never felt the need to be over baring with baby.. if that makes sense.

she would have to see her dad less unless I continue doing 80 miles a day

On the previous page you said she’s not going to be harmed by her father picking her up!! Which is it?

"SHE is the existing child here and she should be central to the decisions being made now- as she clearly hasn’t been previously."

So fuck the future needs of the baby the OP is pregnant with, it doesn't "count" because it hasn't been born yet. Fuck the safety of the newborn just throw it in a carseat for a long journey because the parents won't take responsibility for their own daughter.

Sorry OP people show their true colours here with step-mums. I wouldn't bother getting advice here too many bitter women with axes to grind probably taking out their own issues on you.

Just do what's best for you and your baby and let your husband sort out what's best for his daughter. Don't let them take advantage of you.

I think your blasé attitude to whether he sees her or not irked me from the beginning. As I keep saying, it’s not unreasonable to expect him to do more, but you are unreasonable to want to absolve yourself from any existing responsibilities to SD now that you’ll have your shiny new baby. Can you compromise and do one direction each?

Personal insults really don’t strengthen your argument.

@LeighaJ
“So fuck the future needs of the baby the OP is pregnant with, it doesn't "count" because it hasn't been born yet.”

Well if you had actually read what else I wrote I clearly said the needs of BOTH children- specifically the baby and car seat issue. I think you seem to be more the one with an axe to grind here.

The OP has spat the dummy now anyway as she realises it isn’t all about her afterall. Me me me. The decisions SHE has made to do the parenting duties that her husband doesn’t are now going to backfire on the one innocent person amongst the whole sad scenario.

@HopefullyAnonymous what do you not understand about me not wanting to do 40 SLOW miles in a car with a newborn because it is not safe!!! Seriously I know I keep saying I'm not responding but you are not listening in the slightest! You are upset about me being 'blase' about whether he sees his daughter or not but expect me to be blasé about putting a newborn in a car seat for 40 miles a day against NHS and midwife advice. Can you not see how stupid that is? Basically, put my baby at risk as she is the existing child and her needs matter more. I'm sorry but that is not the way it is going to be. It's not safe and I won't be putting my baby at risk doing a long school run with a 2 week old.

Good lord. I am completely shocked by this thread. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves! This lady will have just had a baby, she wants her partner to help out more and to not be on her own with two kids until she’s settled a bit with her newborn. So many bitter women on here who look to simply demonise.

OP with all three of mine my DP did school runs for two months, he did all the housework for a while and most certainly wouldn’t have had me doing 40 mile trips with our newborn.

If it’s any consolation I would’ve spat my dummy out! There are some real fools on this thread.

OP YANBU

MrsPworkingmummy has given fantastic information there.

I work with kids and the best thing you can do for them is listen (notice I put this first) then talk.

How was her behaviour BEFORE you announced there was a new baby on it’s way? Have you asked her how she feels about the baby and becoming a big sister?

Near the beginning of the post you have said she doesn’t listen to anyone, but further on you’ve said she listens to her birth parents but not you........ so which one is it?

I’m not sure I would be happy with the length of time the baby would be in the car for the school run. The amount of miles is irrelevant it’s the amount of time the baby will be in that position in the car, and I’m sure the traffic is busier at that time. However, you family dynamics are that there is already a child in your family, as your husband has 50% custody of his daughter therefore you have to work round her BUT HE needs to step up more. You will have time to bond with the baby when SD isn’t there but when she is there he needs to be more hands on.

You need to speak to you DH about your concerns.

The more of your posts I read the more I feel your being negative about your SD (and I’m sure your not meaning to be), but honestly, all you’ve spoke about is how “bad” she has been. What positives has she said/shown about the baby coming?

Take a deep breath, maybe take a step away from the thread and speak to your DH because I feel some of the posts will be stressing you out and they won’t mean to be they are just everyone’s opinion (whether you like them or not, and there is a lot of good advice been given).

Wishing you all the best xx

YANBU OP!!

Your requests are perfectly reasonable.

The current guidelines about newborns in car seats are no more than 30 MINUTES. You can’t do this trip in that time.

If I were you OP, I would point blank refuse the school runs for at least 6 weeks. I had a very normal birth 2nd time around but I still wasn’t comfortable sitting in a car for long periods for the first few months.

You are likely to be exhausted, and the baby is very likely to cry in the car seat, which is distracting and stressful.

Just say no. Your DH will need to provide alternative arrangements in the short term. Whether that’s him picking her up or someone else.

I would also refuse to look after them together on your own for the first 6 weeks. I coped ok with my two but I had already done it once before! With DD1 I had PND and I could barely function and look after myself and the baby. NFW would I have coped with another, difficult child as well.

Dh doesn't really see her anyway tho does he? Seems like the OP sees her the most and does all the childcare. Out of the 3 days she spends with you how much time does your dh actually spend with her?!

I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting extra support, 80 miles a day is a lot of travel - I think that it would be a nice positive thing if DH did the run for the time that he is off, it will give his DD some extra attention and keep their bond secure, and she won't feel pushed out, also allowing you some time with your new baby.

I suppose your predicament lies in the 4 weeks thereafter, but regardless of timescales, at some point or another you'll have to pick it up again, and in some ways travel with a newborn can be easier (baby contentment wise) than with an older baby or child - but that's all very crystal ball, as babies, like us are all so very different, so who's to say?

I actually think your friend has let you down here, yes, DSD should not have done what she did but I think your friend's reaction is a bit OTT and lacks empathy and sympathy - I'm not denying that potentially baby could have been harmed, but the reality is, baby wasn't - perhaps her 'voicing her concerns' which by the way I don't think she has much rights to/has overstepped the mark in doing so, has planted seeds in your mind, or helped to fuel the fire a bit.

DSD will have a mixed bag of emotions going on, excitement, overenthusiasm, fear, sibling rivalry - I'm actually pretty shocked at a lot of the posts on here that call her out for being immature (not yours OP, you are best placed to judge that, nobody else) and especially the ones saying she is naughty - at the end of the day, she is 7 years old, a child - NOT a mini adult. I think sometimes it's easy to forget this, and it is not just the child's behaviour that needs managed, but our expectations of them.

I don't wish to berate anybody, and I know it's not your choice, but I do feel that 20 minutes timeout is excessive, and this approach obviously isn't working.

There are loads of great suggestions about giving DSD a responsibility list, that will keep her involved but help set boundaries at the same time.

I also think it's a brilliant idea to speak to your HV as you've said, as they will have helped others in your situation, and you may not feel quite so isolated and alone.

I hope you find a positive way forward, wishing you all the best OP enjoy that new bubba when it arrives.

@Anonymumm that's actually a really good point. Dh should be going out of his way to make sd feel more secure with the baby coming. And be making arrangements to spend more time with her. Not parcelling her off on the op.

The dh needs to concentrate on his dd. My dh did everything with our ds when I had ds2, that’s a pretty typical split. The school run is tricky but I think dh has to find a solution. Even with a good car baby two months in I wouldn’t do it for safety reasons. The op should have had a permanent arrangement in place where dp actually parents his daughter and eg does half the school runs so it’s not so much if a shock but there are two children now and it’s time to get him to step up. I live ten mins walk from nursery and dh does a pick up a week still while I’m on mat leave :)

OP my 4 month old hates the car. Won't sleep just cries constantly. Your husband has to make other arrangements...establishing breastfeeding while stressed and tired while driving is too much for you and baby.

I’ve suggested finding a compromise whereby you’re not responsible for all of the driving. You’re fixated on the school run!

I don't think you would be unreasonable to refuse to look after her on your own if her father isn't around while your baby is newborn. My baby obsessed 3 year old didn't act like this around her baby sibling.

hopefully you seem more fixated on the school run than the OP

I think this conversation needs to happen with DP. Can he adjust his hours at work to balance out the long school run journey, for example? Can she be brought somewhere a bit closer by her mum initially so you're driving a shorter distance? How is he going to balance his relationship with his daughter with a new baby?

I definitely see where your anxiety is coming from, it's a big adjustment and it's also hugely exciting, your first baby. But I think she'll be at school during the day, and you need to ASK for the help you need, things won't magically change because you want them to without vocalising what it is you need. Can an au pair help with pick up's for a few weeks, and helping you with the 2 children while their dad is at work?