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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed please - child arrangement order

293 replies

Standinguptononsense · 13/08/2018 15:45

Not really an Aibu as such but posted for traffic.

My ex husband and I have been separated for over 3 years. We have a court order in place for the children as of Oct 2016.

He is not taking me back to court because I won't agree to a spreadsheet dictating when each of us takes the children to the dentist, Dr's, hairdressers, get there feet measured and when they speak to the other parent when they are not with them! Despite me saying we can have a conversation about it, because I won't go to mediation (because a, there's no point and b I can't afford it). I've very recently remarried so I. Wonder if this has sparked his narcissist traits off again and he's trying to control every last thing.

Does anyone have an experience of this?

Thanks in advance

Xxx

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 13/08/2018 15:47

It won’t look good in court if you’ve refused mediation. Go.

TedAndLola · 13/08/2018 15:55

It won’t look good in court if you’ve refused mediation. Go.

This was my first thought, too. You need to try mediation. How much is it?

RB68 · 13/08/2018 16:02

Just say mediation is fine but you need to pay for it.

Make sure you are up to date with all these things so no "neglect" can be evidenced and then just indicate that its completely unnecessary to dictate to each other when these things happen - children are not automatons and down't grow or get toothache to a regime. Show how these things have happened regularly in the past and there is no need for intervention.

Bet any money its not been him doing these things has it...

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 13/08/2018 16:23

Nope. I've been doing it since they were born. They are 7 and nearly 6.

We've done mediation before. It's doesn't work as he wants his own way. I refuse to. Spend time with my previous abuser.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 13/08/2018 16:23

It's 300. Which I. Don't have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 13/08/2018 16:26

I've got email proof of me keeping him.up.to date on appointments etc. They have 6 monthly dentist appointments, 6 weekly hair appointments and no routine. Dr's. I get feet measured every 6 to 8 weeks unless one. Of them. Complains shoes. Are small.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 13/08/2018 21:50

Anyone?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 13/08/2018 21:53

Why not do it if it shares the burden of these tasks?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 13/08/2018 21:57

He’s going to take you to court over your refusal to provide a spreadsheet?

Let him crack on

Not sure what his grounds would be?!

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 13/08/2018 22:05

It's not about the burden he's never bothered. It's about control. I kid you not there's a spreadsheet dictating when I can have their feet measured

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 13/08/2018 22:11

I get it. Best advice ever coming up.

IGNORE HIM.

Take your power back. You are not being unreasonable. He's talking shit. Who cares who takes them as long as it's done. And no, it is fine to refuse mediation for the reasons you state. You just tick the unsuitable box. I did it. Worried myself silly about it. Nobody cared in court.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 13/08/2018 22:30

Thank you. Confused. I've replied to his email in. A. Reasonable way. Its in. His court so. To speak lol I refuse to play anymore of his games

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 13/08/2018 22:42

I wish id done that over the child arrangement order. Hindsight is wonderful eh

OP posts:
Pinkvoid · 13/08/2018 22:45

He sounds a bit unhinged. I would agree to mediation if he pays for it but I don’t doubt he would find another issue after that. Just sounds like he’s looking for trouble.

SocialPiranha · 13/08/2018 22:52

Nope no way would I agree to mediation in these circumstances. He’s trying to use the children to control you. I was told by my solicitor that mediation is never appropriate when there has been abuse which is why I never entered into it despite ex’s solicitor trying to push for it several times.

ConfusedNoMore · 13/08/2018 23:00

Abusive men can't be reasoned with. Mediation is unsuitable for this reason. One of the worst parts of my four years in and out of court with my ex was being made to go on a separated parents information course. It was severely triggering for me and I cried my way through it.

Even the person running it said up front it wasn't suitable for those who had been in abusive relationships but she was aware that often women were made to go anyway.

So no, I won't ever be put on a platform that assumes we are equal in the process and equally reasonable. Just no.

It's ok op. It's a learning process. I think you go through it and come out wiser.

Best moment ever was when I self repped and the judge let me say my piece. Ex had a solicitor and he couldn't say a word. It was a really empowering (if shit scarey) moment. He knows now I won't back down and that he doesn't have power over me.

He tries but on the whole it is massively better than it was. There is hope standing and sounds like you are doing well.

summerFruitPudding · 14/08/2018 04:07

You won't go to mediation because you say he's an abuser you don't want to spend time with but you will "have a conversation" about it with him.

That strikes me as odd and somewhat unbelievable.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 14/08/2018 06:04

Summerfruitpudding - mediation is about him having control. It's different. An email conversation is doable.

This is about using the children to control and punish me for having the balls to leave him

Confused - thank you your advice is spot on. What did you say in court?

OP posts:
summerFruitPudding · 14/08/2018 07:21

You said there was no point and that you can't afford mediation. I'm not sure how having a third party control proceedings puts him in control.

You didn't mention email in the "conversation"

Confused
ConfusedNoMore · 14/08/2018 07:38

I just gave my reasons for my course of action and why I believed there were questions to be resolved before overnight contact could happen based on his behaviour, which the judge let me expand on. I can't be too specific as my situation was very identifying.

summer you are lucky you don't understand controlling and abusive men. Clearly you haven't been in a relationship with one. If you have a child with one you have no choice but to communicate with them however how you do it has to be carefully managed.

Why the Confused face at email not being mentioned?

Mediators will say that they are not there to take sides. They put you on an equal platform. I've no doubt they can be helpful where a normal dynamic has broken down but not in these situations. I spent hundreds on mediation to start with then my ex broke everything we'd agreed instantly. It isn't enforceable. It's just very stressful having to sit round a table with him. Court is horrendous too but it has more power and if he's abusive you end up there anyway.

summerFruitPudding · 14/08/2018 08:03

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ConfusedNoMore · 14/08/2018 08:08

It doesn't seem off to me and I've been through similar. It's not playing games to not want to engage with a control freak giving you a spreadsheet like that!

I can speak to my ex when necessary and I was afraid he would kill me at one point. Wherever possible it's through email though. I am civil because I can put my child first.

UrbanSunday · 14/08/2018 08:09

If you don’t want to / can’t afford to go to mediation don’t go. The first hearing before the court will be a conciliation conference which is basically court based mediation anyway. He will have to demonstrate to the Court why a change from the existing position is needed and why it would be in the best interests of the children to do so. Given that it sounds the children’s needs are being met there is very little the court can / will do.

ThunderStruckMuck · 14/08/2018 08:12

Was the abuse documented? Police records or maybe something from a counsellor? If not then I think refusing mediation would be a mistake. The court will take a dim view of refusal of mediation and will play in his favour if there's no documented reason why mediation wouldn't be appropriate.

You say the reason for the spreadsheet is control but that won't be the reason he gives the court. What will it be? Will he say he has concerns that routine things like feet measuring aren't being done?

Penfold007 · 14/08/2018 08:23

What would happen if he emailed you a spreadsheet showing when he is taking the DC to the dentist, hairdresser, shoe shop etc? These appointments would have to be during his access time and at his expense.
Almost a grey rock technique, you carry on with updating him by email when apppointments have occurred whilst you have DC. He will soon get bored.

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