Advice needed please - child arrangement order

[Standinguptononsense]

Not really an Aibu as such but posted for traffic.

My ex husband and I have been separated for over 3 years. We have a court order in place for the children as of Oct 2016.

He is not taking me back to court because I won't agree to a spreadsheet dictating when each of us takes the children to the dentist, Dr's, hairdressers, get there feet measured and when they speak to the other parent when they are not with them! Despite me saying we can have a conversation about it, because I won't go to mediation (because a, there's no point and b I can't afford it). I've very recently remarried so I. Wonder if this has sparked his narcissist traits off again and he's trying to control every last thing.

Does anyone have an experience of this?

Thanks in advance

Xxx

Thunder.. That's not true. You would have to do a miam (first meeting with a mediator without ex there) which costs £100. Tell the mediator your reasons for not doing it. They tick a box and it goes to court. If you just ignore it then that might be seen negatively.

I agree with documenting things like keeping shoe receipts, noting when you've contacted him about doctor or anything like that.

Thanks confused. It's difficult to describe the abusive and controlling behavior of an ex and the effect it has on you. Not going to mediation is about self preservation. We attended mediation in the first instance over the children and ended up in court anyway as he refuses to compromise or reach an agreement with the boys as the focus as it's all. About him.

I have asked him to clarify his concerns over each item and he hasn't. Or can't.

He makes no. Effort to attend events at the school. For the children like school plays,sports days etc but makes an issue over getting their feet checked and taking them to the dentist.

My eldest came back the other week stating it would be nice for dad to take us to the dentist..... Not the park, cinema, football, sports day etc. The dentist. So he's clearly using the children emotionally as well.

He needs mediation because he can't communicate effectively.

There are police records where I have reported him and his emotionally abusive. The cafcass report from last time states him as unreasonable too.

The children don't have routine Dr's appointments. When they have been poorly I have taken them but to be honest it's very rare they are ill.

In terms of dentist he's informed when they are going and given an email update after.

Hair appointments has always just been something I have done a she's never been interested.

Shoe fittings is an odd one to schedule in. Really. I take them every 6 to 8 weeks ish and let me know their sizes. Again something that has always been left to me to sort.

He wants to. Schedule parent calls as well when the boys are with the other parent. Calls are fine I've just said their needs to be some flexibility and communication around when they happen for that day as we both will have things planned.

And I thought my ex was bad! Jeez what a knob OP! I'll b going back to court with mine and have been told I'll need to speak to a mediator first even though previous mediators have said on three occasions that mediation is not suitable due to abuse.
I agree court is about control and continuing the emotional abuse in the only ways they can: through the children and through the court system.
Maybe call a mediators and explain the situation and see what they say but you need to show you've taken that step before court. If it's his application though then it's him that has to go to the mediator first. If they say no point then maybe you won't have to even have a chat with them? Not sure though.** Theres a family solicitor who often replies to these threads so maybe she'll be along to advise.

Good luck OP. I know exactly what it's like to have to deal with such a man

Thank you perverse... I have called the mediator and waiting for her to call back. I am. Hoping she will help over the phone in the first instance.

His demands are odd and unreasonable. Personally, I would do nothing. If he wants to force the issue he could we'll try to take you through court but what he's asking for is unenforceable. The worst that could happen is that they say he takes them for their sheduled dentist appointments once a year and is allowed to call them regularly. If he's got that money to spend on that madness let him go for it.
He's threatening court to scare you but trust me, it's not that scary and you won't need a solicitor. Don't let him frighten you into anything. A judge would think he's a twat too.

Thank you. 3 years on from leaving him and I still doubt myself. Emotional abusive is so hard. I attended the women's aid group which did help a bit. But living with it daily is. Exhausting.

I have absolute experience of this, in my case the controlling ramped up when I started another relationship.

It's going to cost him £215 to take you to court, will he pay that? These are very trivial things (in my case it was him running me off the road etc) and I don't think the court will look on kindly at someone who is nitpicking.

On top of this, he will have to pay a solicitor about £2.5K to represent him. Will he do that?

It's interesting what pp said about the separated parenting course not being suitable for those who were in abusive relationships. I found it very hard to attend that course and it made me feel very guilty about the children but it was HIM that was causing all the issues and I was powerless to do much as the court wanted us to communicate but all his communications were abusive. Several years later and I refuse to communicate with him unless absolutely necessary and I deem if it's necessary or not. His number is blocked so he has to call from a withheld number and leave s message. If it's important I'll phone him back. It's rarely necessary to call him I've found though

I attended a separated parenting course (voluntarily) and there were several women there who had been in abusive relationships. The facilitators absolutely took that into account and offered strategies.

And one of those strategies was to converse via email only so that all communication was documented and evidenced. So SummerFruits this is not a weird strategy. It is useful when dealing with an abuser because there is evidence for every piece of unreasonableness.

perverse the biggest thing that got me is that I am not convinced my ex ever attended his sep parents info course. He was waiting for a date at one court appearance and despite me asking, it was never confirmed. Court put me through it for nothing though.

We don't verbally communicate even during handovers. It's all over message and whatsapp. I block him when I have the children. It's only calls for the children we do as they are still quite young. Primary school age.

I too had to. Attend the separating parenting court as did he and have since wondered if he actually went or he assumed the advice wasn't aimed at him.

Pointy that's exactly it. Thank you.

Sounds like your facilitator was goid. Mine was perfectly kind but the videos in particular I found upsetting. I felt like I was being dragged backwards mentally back into when I was still with him.

He was so bad when I lived with him I considered selective mutism for a while. The constant twisting of everything I said nearly broke me.

I wouldn't engage with this nonsense. You might want to post on Legal for some more sensible advice than AIBU. He would look a fool in court applying for a variation because he wants to tell you when to get the children's feet measured. But if you ask on Legal you will get a better answer.

I've recently remarried so I'm sure this is a trigger. It's also coming up to a full moon which is normally a sign.

He claims to have no money so dunno but his. Narcissist parents probably would. He focus is on winning without a clear understanding of what it is that he actually wants.

Thanks bastarfkitty x

You said there was no point and that you can't afford mediation. I'm not sure how having a third party control proceedings puts him in control.

That’s the thing Mediators don’t control the situation and in my experience they adopt the path of least resistance I.e the non manipulative bully gets the pressure because it’s easier than reasoning with the manipulative bully. I did it for 18 months and compromise wasn’t on Ex’s agenda, he wanted his own way and unfortunately my mediator saw me as the reasonable one and therefore the onus was on me to accommodate him.

Let him take you to court.

Agent that is absolutely spot on. A unreasonable person like him makes me the one look unreasonable one when I'm not. I won't be bullied or abused by him.

On a side note does anyone know how I can get this thread moved to legal? Thanks

@AgentJohnson

The OP is a non-manipulative bully?

@Standinguptononsense

"A unreasonable person like him makes me the one look unreasonable one when I'm not."

This is getting more and more difficult to understand.

Summer. Have you been in an abusive relationship?

SummerFruits

@AgentJohnson

The OP is a non-manipulative bully?

Seriously - are you the ex? Because I can't think of any other way you would have reached that kind of conclusion. Unless you have had a complete empathy bypass.

And yes, our facilitators were indeed good. We are having a reunion of the group next week. I made some good friends and learned a lot - I mainly went because I wanted to learn how best to support my DDs in the aftermath of my marriage breakdown. My H wasn't abusive, but he was a depressed alcoholic and in the end I had to have him removed by the police because he threatened to kill me. Which was the first and only time he was ever abusive to me. I was not about to give him another opportunity.

If you've previously been involved in dv you don't have to do mediation.

I'm not the ex. I questioned @Agent's comment.

"the non manipulative bully gets the pressure because it’s easier than reasoning with the manipulative bully. "

HTH

SummerFruit by which AgentJohnson obviously means the person who is not a manipulative bully. I don't see how you could read it any other way unless you were an extreme pedant.