Advice needed please - child arrangement order

[Standinguptononsense]

Not really an Aibu as such but posted for traffic.

My ex husband and I have been separated for over 3 years. We have a court order in place for the children as of Oct 2016.

He is not taking me back to court because I won't agree to a spreadsheet dictating when each of us takes the children to the dentist, Dr's, hairdressers, get there feet measured and when they speak to the other parent when they are not with them! Despite me saying we can have a conversation about it, because I won't go to mediation (because a, there's no point and b I can't afford it). I've very recently remarried so I. Wonder if this has sparked his narcissist traits off again and he's trying to control every last thing.

Does anyone have an experience of this?

Thanks in advance

Xxx

You don't need to contact mediator yet. You will get official notification if he is applies to vary the existing order. At that point you can ring them and state your position and see whether you have to attend a miam.

Basically do nothing for now other than document and share info as you have been doing already.

He has already been to his and the mediator contacted me to go to my one.

It's his application though so not sure you need to go to a mediator. There'll be that option once he makes the application and you're informed. My mediator said yesterday that they inform the other side to give them the choice of attending if they wish. I'd hold back as otherwise it will cost you all for nothing as mediation is not suitable where there's abuse.

Thank you. That makes sense. I'll await formal documentation and his next email with stuff he doesn't want to go to court...

Then it's a new application

Sorry what's a new application? X

Well if the spreadsheet stuff isn't mentioned in the original order it's not an application to vary the order it's a new application about a specific issue.

So he would have to apply for specific order?

Op I believe so. I'd be curious as to what he thinks he's applying for and on what grounds. Family courts are for serious issues that affect the welfare of the child not this bollocks.

I work in family law I'm a children's sw. What I do is public law stuff but we also do section 7s and other private law stuff quite a bit as cafcass is so overloaded.

He would need to reframe as something like 'op is preventing me from attending medical appointments which is preventing me exercise my pr'

Then he would need concrete evidence that you are preventing him from being involved in serious decisions - see test cases with children who have cancer etc. If that is the case this would be grounds.

Prohibitive steps orders and specific issue orders are very unusual compared to child arrangement orders and usually relate to religious or cultural issues. Sometimes school choices if there is a serious grounds for this usually religion.

Ignore the foot measuring thing altogether.

Also please ignore any advice about what does and doesn't look good in court. In the family court unless it's a safeguarding issue the evidence is rarely presented. If it's magistrates they fully expect you to sort it out between you. If you can't they request a section 7 from cafcass.

Things that don't look good in court - not turning up, speaking over the judge, having a tantrum or having to be removed from the court.

OP - if I were you I’d sit back and wait for the Court to make contact.

I very much doubt he’d get that far. He is clutching at straws here.

Let him run with it, and in the meantime try to find a counsellor who can help you unscramble your head and put some boundaries in place. You have moved on, you don’t need to dance to his tune.

Queen - we had a section 7 last time. I haven't said he can't take them just there's no reason to change the current ways of working. It only really effects 1 dentist appointment a year.

If the children has serious appointments I would expect us to both attend.

They don't have scheduled Dr's appointment.

He has purposely withheld information regarding the children before.

Haircuts and feet are non issues as are parental calls as these already happen and I have a perfectly reasonable way of doing this.

There are no safeguarding risks here, in my home anyway.

Thank you so much for your advice.

The councelling is a good shout, any advice on where to look?

I'm assuming I can represent myself if I need to?

Yes - I represented myself at the last court hearing for my kids.

@standinguptononsense

I just looked on here:
www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

Chose someone who liked like someone I could have a brew with. Think I paid £40 for an hour. It was worth every penny.

It changed everything, gave me such clarity on the mechanics of how XH worked. With counselling I could set, and stick to, firm boundaries.

Before, in your position, I would have taken on this type of nonsense, and been the one to sort it. XH knew that whatever he threw at me I would take, hold on to and do everything in my power to work it out. Since counselling I know that if I leave it and don’t respond, I am not entering into a dialogue and not giving him a way in. Inevitably he changes tactic, then drops it. Once you see the pattern in the behaviour and make sense of it, you can let it go.

This is his game, he wants to play it. You don’t have to play.

That makes so much sense. Thank you xx

Once you see his behaviour for what it is, and let go of the stress it causes you (and with it physical impact of living in a state of high anxiety day in, day out) you will realise just how his behaviour, demands and treatment of you has impacted. When it isn’t there anymore you will see it, and you will feel it.

It’s like coming up for air.

Sounds amazing x

How many sessions did you do? X

Not a huge amount - fortnightly for six months maybe? I did a lot of reading up (I found ‘stop walking on eggshells’ book useful but I don’t know if this would be appropriate for you).

Basically it gave me the support to set boundaries and stick to them, to see how he worked situations and what I needed to do to make me strong again.

It does cost money, but I saw it as an investment in my physical, mental, emotional health and my future.

I’m now in a relationship with someone who is kind beyond my dreams.

@Ooforfoxsakeridesagain what exactly is this please. I have horrendous dreams about my ex and think I have ptsd - tried the NHS and apparently despite being suicidal I only qualify for group sessions and have to talk about everything from when I was first born instead of what o actually want to talk about - the effect he has had on me and how to get past it.

No way I could have another relationship. I'm too terrified.

@imnotreally I’m sorry to hear that 😥

it’s simply seeing a private counsellor. I found someone on the directory linked below. I didn’t want to wait. I was suffering from panic attacks and anxiety.

I hope you find someone to help x

I'll have a look thanks.

@Standinguptononsense yes absolutely you can represent yourself

Fab. I think I'd be OK. Just need to be prepared and reasonable ✅