Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that I want to do the school run?

193 replies

Tigerstails · 13/08/2018 15:20

DD is going into year 2 in September. Up until February I always did the school run as I am a SAHM. Then DH asked if he could do the morning run, so I said fine. However, if Dd ever asked me to take her occasionally he would get strangely protective over it and tell me I couldn't, creating a big argument.

All summer he has been having a lie in until 8:30am every morning whilst I get up with the DC at 6am. He then gets home from work at 7pm sees them for literally 2 mins then it's bedtime.

I'm dreading the conversation coming up about the school run in a couple of weeks. He wI'll insist on doing it as he says he likes spending time (10mins) with Dd taking her to school but my mum has questioned if it's about spending more time with the DC then why doesn't he go to work earlier and come home earlier?

I want to do it as being a SAHM, it gives me the routine and gets me out of the house. I get up at 6am to do lunchboxes, getting breakfast, everyone dressed, whilst dh stays in bed and just sorts himself out.

AIBU to tell DH that I will be doing it from now on? I know he will turn it round and say I am stopping him from doing it but I will tell him that he is welcome to come too, and we can go together but I will be going.

OP posts:
Momo27 · 13/08/2018 17:51

I think the power struggle scenario is far more likely than an affair!

I suspect he’s not happy with the balance of things between you, but rather than sit down and discuss and renegotiate things, he’s behaving childishly and making a big deal out of this one particular responsibility while at the same time not lifting a finger with the kids in the evening.

Honestly in your shoes I would find that job ASAP, and then you’re on clear ground do split things down the middle. Not just the school run but all the household chores. Or at least split on a pro rata basis according to how many days you each work.

He’s clearly not happy! I totally concur that he’s not going about this in an adult way, but rather than trying to insist you take your dd to school, or that you both go (I mean, really? That’s a bit overkill!) - why not just start to share the responsibilies More equally?

Stop focusing on the school run and look for the deeper meaning behind this. He’s not happy, and he’s ‘claiming’ That morning time to show it

IceCreamFace · 13/08/2018 17:51

I agree with PP that the idea of him pursuing another mum at the school gates is far fetched. I'm sure it happens occasionally but he could meet someone much more easily on a dating website and catch up with her after work rather than involving his daughter and her school.

How would he even know about this potential affair before he had done the school run at least once?

I think the problem of her crying for mum to take her is only an issue if you think he's not looking after her properly on the school run or doing something to upset her. If not then there's no reason a 6 year old should dictate who takes her to school each morning - she's probably just picking up on the power struggle.

I wonder if as a SAHM you don't leave DH enough autonomy with the kids - you were keen to jump in and take DD to school the second she started asking for you - is this because you don't trust DH with her? (And if not you need to find out if this lack of trust is warranted). Perhaps he doesn't do much at home because he feels you'll step in and show him how it "should" be done. (I'm just hypothesising here).

Can you not just schedule something for Saturday mornings and tell DH he needs to look after DC for that time?

missyB1 · 13/08/2018 17:51

I'm not sure this is about the school run. I think its more about the power balance between the two of you and a bit of competitive parenting thrown in for good measure!
You two need to sort a few issues out.

Happyhippy45 · 13/08/2018 17:52

My dh did very little in the taking care of the kids. If he suddenly insisted on doing the school run I'd be suspicious.

bastardkitty · 13/08/2018 17:54

I'd think he's trying to undermine your position as primary care giver.

Original poster
Tigerstails · 13/08/2018 17:56

Kitty - 10 minutes a day won't do that.

OP posts:
IceCreamFace · 13/08/2018 17:57

I'd think he's trying to undermine your position as primary care giver.

What does that mean though? Sharing the caregiving more equally is a great thing!

TransplantsArePlants · 13/08/2018 18:03

momo

My heart is literally bleeding at his unhappiness.

Why should she have to get a job simply in order for him to pull his finger out at home? More likely he'll continue to do what suits him whilst she works as well.

Momo27 · 13/08/2018 18:05

“Sharing the caregiving more equally is a great thing” - completely agree IceCreamFace.
But if there’s a power struggle going on between the couple... maybe the OP being reluctant to ‘hand over’ responsibilities and her DH resenting this, then the risk is it becomes a battle between the two of them and nothing to do with the interests of the children

What’s the back story to all of this OP? Has he never done anything hands on with his kids? Did you encourage him to change nappies, bath and feed the kids, take the kids off on their own, right from the Get go?
It’s worth asking, because some mums can be weirdly possessive about doing everything, and actually disempower the baby’s father and then a few years down the line complain that he never lifts a finger.

If he’s always been like this despite you wanting to share things, then I’m afraid you’ve picked a bit of a no hoper.

I suspect there’s a back story though... people rarely just change their behaviour overnight.

Original poster
Tigerstails · 13/08/2018 18:17

He was actually wonderful when the children were babies and toddlers - everything was shared. However since starting nursery and school it's like I've taken on more and more childcare as well as housework to the point where he doesnt lift a finger.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigerstails · 13/08/2018 18:18

If I ask him to do anything now it's like it's a hassle or I've said something outrageous.

OP posts:
Bestseller · 13/08/2018 18:19

I'm sorry but such a change in his attitude to family life is also a red flag that he's checking out of your relationship.

Momo27 · 13/08/2018 18:24

So.... I suspect he feels that you’ve got more time to yourself now with kids at school/nursery and he thinks that’s unfair and he’s behaving like a big kid about it.

I’m not defending the way he’s going about it at all but I think the message he’s trying to get across is he wants to renegotiate things. That’s the only way it makes sense... that he was brilliant and hands on when the kids were smaller and you weren’t getting any break from
Them, but now feels comfortable to push all the drudge onto you and cherry pick the nice bit with the school run.

Time to renegotiote. I completely agree that if he’s doing the school run then he should do the whole thing - lunch boxes, bags , tooth brushing etc

There is absolutely nothing wrong with one half of a couple wanting to renegotiate things - circumstances change, feelings change and maybe he’s fed up of being sole earner now. tbh there are lovely bits and drudgy bits to both being at home and working- so why not share things more equally?

Original poster
Tigerstails · 13/08/2018 18:29

Momo - completely agree which is why I'm working from next month, however I contribute far more than my fair share regardless.

OP posts:
WittyFuck · 13/08/2018 18:30

I do not think there is anything altruistic about him wanting to do the school run. I suspect he uses it to legitimise some sort of liaison. Perhaps he meets up with a school mum and drops he4 a5 her work? Or with a colleague who he takes into work, ‘it’s on the way (now)’. I would also suspect that the late home is him giving the same person a lift home.
Sorry.

GrumpySkintCow · 13/08/2018 18:31

Another thought-could also be very far fetched, but has he ever hinted about you going back to work? I wonder if it’s got something to do with that? I am not sure what you agreed on, just a thought. Is it a bit of a passive aggressive way for him to go about it, maybe?

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 13/08/2018 18:35

frenchknittingYou really think a genuinely loving father with no ulterior motive would drag his 6 year old screaming DD out of the door when she is begging her mum to take her?

This

OP - whatever reason he is doing it, he is not putting DDs needs first. My money is on him showing off to another mum - I cannot imagine any sane person wanting a longer commute during the morning rush hour unless they have an ulterior motive.

Figlessfig · 13/08/2018 18:38

I used to work in an office with about 30 people in it. Nice office, good company to work for, provided showers, changing rooms, a medical room with a large sofa in case anyone needed a lie down ...

Later transpired that 2 (married - not to each other) colleagues were “working late” in order to conduct user testing on the sofa.

Ariela · 13/08/2018 18:51

I'd get in touch with the school now, and see if they have or will have any p/t school time jobs coming up in September. Then there would be no reason for him to do the school run if you're going there anyway.

bastardkitty · 13/08/2018 18:54

Of course it wouldn't OP. But he obviously has some very strong motivation to do it.

Caterina99 · 13/08/2018 18:57

I think he’s using it as a convenient excuse to avoid helping out much. He gets a lie in and then is back after bedtime so he doesn’t have to deal with that, yet he’s done his bit by helping you out with the school run.

I’d be saying you either get up early and go to work so that you’re home early to help out, or get up early and deal with the kids and I’ll go to the gym/have a lie in. Either way you don’t get to lie in til 8.30 daily and then come home after the kids are in bed

Aroundtheworldandback · 13/08/2018 19:00

Hmm.. my dh used to do the school run, he’s not even their dad and I didn’t work! I’d grab it if I were you.. maybe he’s very aware he doesn’t spend enough time with them and see this as “making up for it”?

Shitonthebloodything · 13/08/2018 19:06

Sorry if I've missed something but I don't understand all the upset. Could you just not say anything at all but just grab your coat at school run time and say 'off we go then' and just go. If he gets narky just say you miss Seeing her off or whatever. Seems silly to have to think up reasons when you could just go.
I hate the school run I'd love someone to do it for me though.

BewareOfDragons · 13/08/2018 20:52

I would start making the long list of all the things that have to be done on a daily, weekly and monthly basis, everything that you do essentially and that he doesn't, and tell him now that you're going back to work, he's going to have to take on his share of the load.

That load includes children's sick days, when they can't go to school/nursery.

That load also includes leaving work to take children to/from appointments or having to be picked up early from school when something goes wrong there (illness, etc)

That load also includes the mental load; he can't just expect you to tell him all the things he needs to do and when; you're not his mother.

downinthejunglee · 13/08/2018 23:00

Why not just sit down with him and be 100%!honest about how rude and shit it is being made to do everything and see what he says. Explain every problem to him