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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that I want to do the school run?

193 replies

Tigerstails · 13/08/2018 15:20

DD is going into year 2 in September. Up until February I always did the school run as I am a SAHM. Then DH asked if he could do the morning run, so I said fine. However, if Dd ever asked me to take her occasionally he would get strangely protective over it and tell me I couldn't, creating a big argument.

All summer he has been having a lie in until 8:30am every morning whilst I get up with the DC at 6am. He then gets home from work at 7pm sees them for literally 2 mins then it's bedtime.

I'm dreading the conversation coming up about the school run in a couple of weeks. He wI'll insist on doing it as he says he likes spending time (10mins) with Dd taking her to school but my mum has questioned if it's about spending more time with the DC then why doesn't he go to work earlier and come home earlier?

I want to do it as being a SAHM, it gives me the routine and gets me out of the house. I get up at 6am to do lunchboxes, getting breakfast, everyone dressed, whilst dh stays in bed and just sorts himself out.

AIBU to tell DH that I will be doing it from now on? I know he will turn it round and say I am stopping him from doing it but I will tell him that he is welcome to come too, and we can go together but I will be going.

OP posts:
GrumpySkintCow · 13/08/2018 16:32

I would let him do the school runs. I’d think he’d get bored of the groundhog day routine fairly quickly. Maybe get him to do the schoolbags and lunches too? I don’t think there is anything in it apart from just wanting to spend a bit of one of one and also be seen as a contributing parent. I can guarantee he will quickly get tired of it...

JellyBaby666 · 13/08/2018 16:33

This is bonkers.

Have you considered asking him why he's so insistent? Or telling him they're his children for the 23 hours a day and he needs to get sodding involved?

I despair of women who put up with this nonsense. He's behaving like a flipping sperm donor, not a man who is raising children.

Either he a) goes to work earlier so he can be present in the evenings or b) does the school run but is awake in the morning to get her ready.

Stop mothering him too!

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 13/08/2018 16:33

Do you know any of the other parents well enough to ask if they’ve noticed anything ‘off’?

NeverTwerkNaked · 13/08/2018 16:34

@Tigerstails yes I think it’s the perfect solution!

Original poster
Tigerstails · 13/08/2018 16:35

I suppose I put up with this behaviour at the moment because if I complain about anything then he turns it round and says that he works. I am hoping to get a part time job in the next couple of months so will definitely expect him to do more.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/08/2018 16:36

Yes, there'll be a mum there telling him what a great dad he is for taking his child to school.

Bibidy · 13/08/2018 16:37

OP do you have reason to be suspicious of him?

I think saying you'll tag along is the best bet, but does he not go straight to work from the school run?

Original poster
Tigerstails · 13/08/2018 16:39

Bibbidi - the laughable thing is that his work is half an hour in the other direction! Hmm

OP posts:
MumW · 13/08/2018 16:39

Haven't RTWT yet but my immediate reaction is that the school run starts with getting the DC up and dressed, getting the lunch boxes ready as well as the actual physical door to door bit.

Definitely find it odd him not wanting quality time during the holidays.

frenchknitting · 13/08/2018 16:40

I don't get why people are suspicious of this? Maybe he just did it once, enjoyed it, and fancied it being his "thing" that he does with DD. It's important to get 1-to-1 time with your kids, even if it is just 10 min per day.

I can also see why the school gate contact would be important to you, so surely a compromise could be reached quite easily, where you do e.g. a Friday so he can get home early?

Having said that, to me, school run = getting kids dressed and packing bags. So split it and have a few lie ins per week each - surely that's perfect? I wouldn't be arsed both doing it.

Gemini69 · 13/08/2018 16:42

the laughable thing is that his work is half an hour in the other direction

way too weird ... Hmm

HidingFromMyKids · 13/08/2018 16:42

I think he

  1. Wants a lie in every day (no boring morning jobs to do Hmm)
  2. Wants to appear the hands on doting dad. (possibly in front of school mum or work)
  3. Conveniently means he isn't home for boring evening routine because he needs to work to support you all, obviously he does everything for this family Hmm

In his eyes it's win win.

I bet he's awful in lots of other ways too.

What does he bring to your relationship OP Flowers

Original poster
Tigerstails · 13/08/2018 16:42

French knitting - the suggesting both of us do it is purely to work out what his real motivation is.

OP posts:
TheMildManneredMilitant · 13/08/2018 16:42

Echoing pp it could just be that he fancies a lie in and 10 mins dropping dd off at school rather than go in earlier and then having time to deal with bed/bath etc in the evening. Which is still pretty crap for you though.

crunchymint · 13/08/2018 16:42

If I was you OP, I would be asking myself why I am prepared to accept a partner like this in my life? Not a judgement on you, but normally when someone puts up with the unacceptable in a relationship there is a reason e.g. low self esteem or their father was a crap and uninvolved father.

5LeafClover · 13/08/2018 16:43

YNBU. My xh used to cherry pick jobs like this too. Drove me mad. His preference was clubs rather than the school run.. he used to let me set it up and break the ice with other parents so there was someone to talk to, then muscle in and take over (leaving me at home with 'time to get on with the housework'). And, if he did ever did the school run he always expected me to do the get up and get ready bit.

It was a bit like sharing a box of chocolates with someone who took all their favourites out then hands you the rest. After a while it's no fun to be always left with the toffee pennies of family life.

HollowTalk · 13/08/2018 16:43

OP, have you written about this guy before? It sounds so familiar - guy who can't get up in the morning so works late each night, managing to avoid all family responsibilities. Is he working in an office? I have to say I would bet my house he isn't working as hard from 5.00 - 6.45 pm as he would have to if he worked 9.00 - 10.45 am.

crunchymint · 13/08/2018 16:45

frenchknitting You really think a genuinely loving father with no ulterior motive would drag his 6 year old screaming DD out of the door when she is begging her mum to take her?

Momo27 · 13/08/2018 16:46

Sounds like he’s wanting more of a split of responsibilities- and tbh that sounds like the way forward which is good as you’re going to start working. Sounds like he’s going about it a childish way, by insisting he can do the school run, rather than having an adult conversation about it. Maybe the fact he does nothing with the kids in the evening is another (crappy) way of showing he’s not happy with the current set up. It’s a childish ‘look how tired I am after being at work all day.’ Once you’re working, split everything equally- school runs, housework, cooking

YouDancin · 13/08/2018 16:46

Sorry @Tigerstails but it sounds like you need to be having a really good talk with your 'D'H about childcare.
Whilst you are the STAHM this doesn't mean he is entitled to do nothing with the children the rest of the time.
I would list all the things that need to be done throughout the day with the children - particularly each end of the day - and then ask him how he intends to take some of the burden off you.

I'm pretty incenced for you that he is lying in every morning whilst you get up with the children! Why doesn't he get up at 6am with them 3 or 4 days a week? Why is this your job? Why does he get a lie-in every single day and you don't?

I wouldn't be giving him the choice in any of it. I would be demanding he pulls his weight. It is bloody hard work looking after children all day. And to be doing it ALL morning then ALL day and then ALL evening - it is like being a single parent with a second income. Bloody unfair. Why is his sleep time more important than yours? Why is his choice on when he works over-riding yours?

Seriously he needs a MASSIVE kick up the arse!

Bestseller · 13/08/2018 16:48

I think you need to start going to the gym (or some other hobby) first thing. Everyone knows the school run includes getting children up and ready for school and you're not needed if DH is doing it.

Original poster
Tigerstails · 13/08/2018 16:49

You dancin - like I said, I put up with it for now as I don't mind it on the whole, even though I may as well be a single parent. I'm just waiting until I start working again and then he will have to go to work earlier and share the load in the evenings.

OP posts:
GinandGingerBeer · 13/08/2018 16:50

Hmmmm Confused
He either wants to
A make you look like a lazy arse
B shag someone
C isolate you so you can't make friends
D use it as ammunition for the future.

Put your foot down.

ciderhouserules · 13/08/2018 16:50

He quite obviously doesn't want the school run time to be 'his time with dc', otherwise he'd be up earlier, home later and up during the holidays.

SO - there must be something else. I'd lay money on another school mum, or a teacher.

SO - he is not going to allow you to come on 'his' school run as well. No way.

It'll be interesting what excuse he comes up with.

Either way, he is acting suspiciously. Hackles up.

Winterbella · 13/08/2018 16:51

Sounds like he wants to see someone at the school, becasue he's having/wants to have an affair, that's why people are suspicious.