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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that partner's wedding invite has been rescinded?

273 replies

Marginal · 12/08/2018 23:55

Save the date was sent 4 months ago for very close friend's wedding. I see her every few months because I live 120 miles away now. We discussed at the time that she was having kid free wedding but that partners were invited. Checked with mine and he'd love to go, make a weekend of it, great stuff.

However, wedding invites were given out at a dinner with friends recently and only my name was on the invite. I checked this with her in front of said friends and she said yes just for me, thought it might be easier with childcare???

I didn't make an issue in front of everyone but she seems to have arbitrarily invited some people's partners and not others. One friend's partner has been invited and we've all only met him once - she's been out for dinner and drinks with mine and stayed at our house, gone on days out with us, all sorts!

I'm going to broach it, just plucking up the courage to tackle it - OH is hurt and has asked me not to but I'm feeling more and more irritated, so I need clarification.

I don't want to miss her wedding as I consider her one of my closest friends, but I'm confused by this change of heart. Before I go hurtling in, AIBU?

OP posts:
lilypoppet · 14/08/2018 18:42

My daughter's wedding is limited to 50 guests so that is unbelievably tight. We will have to exclude some plus-ones. Every extra guest in top off the 50 costs £90 and so we just cant do it.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/08/2018 18:42

*read some of the threads - not reassume oath threads

fridayrain · 14/08/2018 18:43

We've a wedding invite for the first Monday in September when the kids start primary school and secondary school. Its 100miles away with dinner after the church then the drive back home for the evening do.. Hmm

Karen49 · 14/08/2018 18:48

I would have just assumed the invite was for you both but as she’s made it quite clear your OH is not welcome I wouldn’t bother to go nor would I send gift

Kool4katz · 14/08/2018 18:49

I’d consider going on my own but I definitely wouldn’t take a present.

Booie09 · 14/08/2018 19:06

So your going to travel 120 miles to a wedding where your invited to the church but not the reception and you have to go alone!! CF alert she's after the present.

Enthymeme · 14/08/2018 19:12

LeftRightCentre. Right on.

Rudyrink · 14/08/2018 19:12

Lots of similar comments but ... what exactly have you been invited to? A church ceremony that anyone can attend and a few drinks in a bar??

I wouldn’t dream of not inviting a close friend’s partner of 14 years, whether I liked him or not (presumption) it’s just not done. And what is he not invited to!! How can she not invite him to a few drinks that I presume you’re paying for - apart from maybe a welcome Proscecco - although that sounds doubtful.
I would reply to invite saying that you already had childcare arranged because of the ‘save a date’. Say that childcare is a rare commodity for a weekend which you were looking forward to spending with your partner. Say that you are going to take this opportunity to have a weekend together elsewhere now but would love to meet up with them sometime after the wedding altogether.

user1483875094 · 14/08/2018 19:13

oh love, that is just horrible. Call her, and talk it through with her, if she genuinely is a "friend" and get it resolved in one short phone call, so you do not have to spend weeks worrying about it. If she does not want your partner there "after all" then DON'T GO yourself. Be bold, be strong, this is nonsense of the highest order! Good luck xxxxxxxxx

Goggle4 · 14/08/2018 19:21

I wouldbw hurt. Personally i think if you know someone’s OH then they should be invited to the day do. For the evening, all OHs should be invited regardless of whether you’ve met them or not, but this is just my opinion :) definitely mention it to her x

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/08/2018 19:21

"I checked this with her in front of said friends and she said yes just for me, thought it might be easier with childcare???"

You have checked. ^ You don't need to do it again. v v v

"I'm going to broach it, just plucking up the courage to tackle it."

What do you mean by 'tackle it'?

If you mean, with a view to persuading her to change her mind, then I think that would put your DP in a horrible position. Accepted on sufferance, because you 'tackled it'! I think that would be intolerable.

However, if you simply mean that you will tell her that she has been part of his life too, accepted his friendship and hospitality, and that you and your DP are very hurt that she would exclude him in this way (especially as she previously told you that she was having kid free wedding but that partners were invited). That you wish her the wedding of her dreams, but that you are going to decline her invitation, and spend the day with your partner. Then, yes, go for that.

Lydiaatthebarre · 14/08/2018 19:26

It is really crass and ignorant to tell people to save the date just in case you might decide to ask them to your wedding. Talk about lacking social graces.

NotBeforeCoffee · 14/08/2018 19:32

You have to go through all the expense and inconvenience of a wedding and you’re not even going to be fed in return? And no partner either! This sounds totally shit. I wouldnt be going

Poocalypso · 14/08/2018 19:48

Is your partner actually fussed about it? Why not just ask her? Its a reasonable question, maybe there is a reasonable answer too. (Don't think you would look petty at all)

SnuggyBuggy · 14/08/2018 20:02

Sending a save the date and then no invitation is shitty behaviour.

Theluckynumberthree · 14/08/2018 20:17

Of course he should be invited- you have been together a very long time!! I think the only time partners generally aren’t invited is when it’s a new relationship and haven’t met the bride / groom etc before.
I wouldn’t go but if your worried about your friendship just be honest with her but equally she doesn’t seem bothered upsetting you - surely she must know it would upset your OH.
However agreed with another poster- anyone can attend church service- you usually have some local church attendees show up and sit at the back and drinks later on would be for anyone if your paying for your own drinks. Or just say you will both attend the church then go home after that ... x

Jojofjo44 · 14/08/2018 20:19

Inviting guests and not feeding them is very bad form. Me get feedy, you get present, quid pro quo.

NaomiNagata · 14/08/2018 20:29

@Marginal

Be honest now or don't mention it ever again.

You're going to decline the event with a take excuse then afterwards you'll confront her with your real feelings? What chance are you giving her to fix It or explain if its a misunderstanding? You're basically going to make it impossible for her to do anything to fix it, and potentially destroy a friendship since she'll be left feeling really shit. Ahe might genuinely be a bit of a birch or dislike your partner or whatever, or she could have assumed he wasn't coming due to the kids. But you need to give her the chance to explain that now and sort it out.

If you don't turn up, give a fake reason and then weeks later tell the truth then you're just acting like you're still in high school. It's pathetic.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 14/08/2018 20:40

Sending someone a save the date and then not following it up with an invitation is really shitty. So is inviting people to your wedding and not feeding or watering them.

OVienna · 14/08/2018 20:49

Naomi that was also what I felt.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 14/08/2018 21:01

Don’t make up an excuse for not going!

Explain that you and DP both arranged to have the day off when you received the save the date card and you’re now a bit hurt and baffled as to why they no longer want you both there. So, as you both now have the day off you’ve decided to spend it together.

katielouise3 · 14/08/2018 21:05

@Marginal Well I wouldn't go if my husband wasn't invited.

But it's your call........

longtompot · 14/08/2018 21:18

Don't leave it until after the wedding before letting your friend know why you didn't come, as nothing can be changed at that point. Text her now, and say you have childcare sorted out so can dh come, as she said he could come in your chat a few months ago. If she says no then, then say thats such a shame and sadly I won't be able to come either.

Icanttakemuchmore · 14/08/2018 21:36

If no food is being provided and its just a celebration drink, I can't see why you both can't just turn up at the church and then for drinks. It's not as if there's any cost for an extra person attending the church and you can buy your own drinks . You could just say all this to the bride and see what she says. If she doesn't budge, personally I'd tell her where to stick her invite. I wouldn't go to a social event without my husband unless it was a girlie night.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2018 21:39

I really think you should consider tackling this sooner rather than leaving it. The problem isn’t going anywhere.

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