Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that partner's wedding invite has been rescinded?

273 replies

Marginal · 12/08/2018 23:55

Save the date was sent 4 months ago for very close friend's wedding. I see her every few months because I live 120 miles away now. We discussed at the time that she was having kid free wedding but that partners were invited. Checked with mine and he'd love to go, make a weekend of it, great stuff.

However, wedding invites were given out at a dinner with friends recently and only my name was on the invite. I checked this with her in front of said friends and she said yes just for me, thought it might be easier with childcare???

I didn't make an issue in front of everyone but she seems to have arbitrarily invited some people's partners and not others. One friend's partner has been invited and we've all only met him once - she's been out for dinner and drinks with mine and stayed at our house, gone on days out with us, all sorts!

I'm going to broach it, just plucking up the courage to tackle it - OH is hurt and has asked me not to but I'm feeling more and more irritated, so I need clarification.

I don't want to miss her wedding as I consider her one of my closest friends, but I'm confused by this change of heart. Before I go hurtling in, AIBU?

OP posts:
Ignoramusgiganticus · 13/08/2018 23:49

Have you texted yet?

DottyBlue2 · 14/08/2018 07:10

Is the bride going to go down the pub in her wedding dress, do you think?

Clionba · 14/08/2018 07:24

If you want to travel in the car the best part of 3 hrs to witness your friend's wedding, that's your choice. What do you plan to do between the ceremony and the drinks? Go for lunch somewhere on your own? That's really the issue about your being solo to this event.

Original poster
Marginal · 14/08/2018 16:54

Not texted yet. OH and I were discussing. I was all up for being honest but he has suggested i wait a bit and make my excuses a bit nearer the time, and broach the truth after the event. If I try and speak the truth now, I'll probably just look like a petty cow, however I phrase it

OP posts:
VanillaSugar · 14/08/2018 17:03

So you're not going?

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 17:10

I'm with your partner. As it is, it sounds like just an informal meet up rather than a wedding. Is she expecting gifts? Are you all buying your own drinks? I'm make my excuses but I wouldn't be surprised if the friendship just drifts apart.

Lydiaatthebarre · 14/08/2018 17:25

The whole thing sounds badly planned and thought through. Save the date cards for such a low key casual affair. Verbally inviting your husband then only putting your name on the invite. Meal for family only although guests invited to the ceremony. It sounds as if no proper thought has gone into any of it and I wouldn't be that ,pushed about going. I can see lots of hanging around, last minute changes to arrangements and so on. There just doesn't seem to have been much thought or consideration put into the whole thing.

Enthymeme · 14/08/2018 17:38

Agree ‘her wedding her rules’. This however is not a license to be insensitive, hurtful, presumptuous, rude or just thick.
I definitely wouldn’t go and when she asks “Why not?” reply “ Why do you think?”

dstill1964 · 14/08/2018 17:39

I’d let her know that u have booked a room and were planning a romantic couple of days. It might be the cost of providing meals in which case you might be able to go to Wedding and then attend reception together after the meal. Does seem a bit off to send save the date with both names and then invite with only you

PamPooveysCow · 14/08/2018 17:41

I think what you are planning is fair enough OP. I wouldn't be able to go if it was me, I'd just feel bad all day and it would probably show.

Besides, she should really know that what she's done isn't on at all. But then I've never been in a position where one of us wasn't invited - it's poor form, and can't be excused as 'their wedding, their choice'!

Italiangreyhound · 14/08/2018 17:48

YANBU.

It's her wedding and her choice but:
She invited your partner and to take that away is cruel and callous. If she had said, we really went made, invited loads of people and now can't afford it, that would be somethin.

The idea this is better for child care is bullshit. Your kids, you decided who looks after them.

I would tell her how this has made you feel, even if it means you end up not going to the wedding.

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 17:48

However I agree with people who say watch the husband. Who doesn't give their future wife a proper wedding do if she wants one even if it's just a decent party at the end of the night.

Who expects someone else to give them a proper wedding do, whatever that is, rather than working together to pay for it themselves or saying, hey, can't afford it, we're off to Gretna?

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 17:52

There's no reception, though, just a meet up in a pub after the meal for family. It's a non-issue to decline. I'd actually make an excuse now since she has already invited just you. She actually passed out invitations for this non-wedding so is expecting a response. If she has written response cards that's easy, just no. If she's expecting another kind of response then a text or email along the lines of so sorry we won't be able to make it/all the best/Marginal and partner. If she queries you just tell her you're not able to come. I wouldn't bother with this anyhow, it's a meet up with mates in a pub 120 miles away.

fourandnomore · 14/08/2018 17:53

I travelled to the Isle of Man for a wedding in church where I wasn’t invited to the reception only the evening do and there wasn’t any food there and it was a pay bar and I’ve never even thought of it until this thread. I had a brilliant time, there were loads of us in the same boat, we popped to the pub for food and then went to the evening do, danced the night away for hours and thoroughly enjoyed celebrating with the couple, I was just glad I got to see my friend get married! I think it really is just the issue of your partner here and I must admit if you have both know her for ten years and were together when you met her that is strange. I would clarify with her about the childcare issue but after that my decision would be based on my partners feelings I think.

TomHardysNextWife · 14/08/2018 17:55

I'd be honest. Say you've arranged childcare and you were both looking forward to the event together. As it is now just you on the invite, you've had a chat and decided to make the most of childfree and have booked a night away so you won't be atttending. Hope you have a lovely day blah blah.

I'm a firm believer in if it's your wedding, what you say goes but to verbally invite people then retract it is shitty behaviour and I'd want to let them know it's not on.

strawberrisc · 14/08/2018 17:55

She’s been a bit of a moo but if you’re close to the event, can have a meal with friends etc do you need to show loyalty to OH ?

Is he encouraging you not to go?

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 14/08/2018 17:56

I mean they've fudged a poor compromise rather than the groom agreeing to a proper party if he can have just a small ceremony. Op's friend wanted a big wedding not Gretna Green.

We don't know if it's about money or he just doesn't want a fuss because he's socially awkward or something,

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 17:56

What a shit excuse for a wedding, no hospitality at all and still expect gifts. I can't believe people do this and think others should be honoured to celebrate their tight-arsedness.

Mitzimaybe · 14/08/2018 17:57

However I agree with people who say watch the husband. Who doesn't give their future wife a proper wedding do if she wants one even if it's just a decent party at the end of the night.

Someone very shy, who would rather elope or have a registry office wedding with 2 strangers as witnesses than be centre of attention for a whole day, have to make a speech etc? Sounds like they have both compromised on what they would have ideally wanted; compromising is a good foundation for a happy marriage.

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 17:58

Well, the bride went along with it at any rate and then uninvited the OP's partner. That's total shit. Sounds like she knows damn well the OP would have childcare since she says her folks live in the town and have provided it in the past.

TeddybearBaby · 14/08/2018 18:01

I’d mention it....... you’ll miss your friends wedding otherwise. I know some people think the wedding is shite and she’s made a mistake with your OH but the rest of your relationship sounds good. I’d want to be there for my friend. I’d mention OH’s invite once more and then I’d give up and say I can’t go. Good luck!

wowfudge · 14/08/2018 18:03

I was sent a save the day card by a friend who then didn't invite me to the wedding. I was pretty hurt, especially as we had mutual friends who she did invite. One of those friends asked had she got the right address for me, thinking I just hadn't received the invitation (I had moved in the interim) and got the fairly bald answer of I hadn't been invited and there wasn't room for another person! Hey ho.

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 18:03

Doesn't sound good to yank her OH's invitation when she knows the OP has childcare. Doesn't sound like much to miss anyhow, travelling for hours to watch a 20 min. ceremony and then told to fuck off for hours and then meet up in some pub.

OVienna · 14/08/2018 18:15

It's incredible that save the date cards are being used in this way. Just awful.

Op I think you either tell her the truth now or drop it. There really isn't any point bringing it up after the event. I would say - "based on the std card we'd already sorted childcare and planned on travelling down together. I am confused about the change of plan now. DP will be there and really we'd prefer to attend as a couple, as you'd previously indicated was possible."

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/08/2018 18:41

Save the date cards appear to be used to keep 5th tier guests in waiting if you reassume oath threads on this site.

It seems that if you get one, you can largely expect your "friend" to invite her first choice, fill any spaces with her second and third choices etc, and if you're lucky, there will be enough "No thanks" to the invitations for you to be invited to join the Golden Ones.

I'm sure this isn't always the case, but it seems to be increasingly common.