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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that partner's wedding invite has been rescinded?

273 replies

Marginal · 12/08/2018 23:55

Save the date was sent 4 months ago for very close friend's wedding. I see her every few months because I live 120 miles away now. We discussed at the time that she was having kid free wedding but that partners were invited. Checked with mine and he'd love to go, make a weekend of it, great stuff.

However, wedding invites were given out at a dinner with friends recently and only my name was on the invite. I checked this with her in front of said friends and she said yes just for me, thought it might be easier with childcare???

I didn't make an issue in front of everyone but she seems to have arbitrarily invited some people's partners and not others. One friend's partner has been invited and we've all only met him once - she's been out for dinner and drinks with mine and stayed at our house, gone on days out with us, all sorts!

I'm going to broach it, just plucking up the courage to tackle it - OH is hurt and has asked me not to but I'm feeling more and more irritated, so I need clarification.

I don't want to miss her wedding as I consider her one of my closest friends, but I'm confused by this change of heart. Before I go hurtling in, AIBU?

OP posts:
serbska · 13/08/2018 12:19

Sounds like a shit wedding anyway if all there is is a drinks reception!

LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 12:25

I don't have a problem with what she puts on at her wedding because that's entirely her decision and personally I'd just skip off to Gretna and save even more on cost!

Ah, but then she can't pump her friends for money for her honeymoon.

There's no way in hell I'd go to this thing, OP.

Total waste of time. No gift, either, just a nice card.

It's just a meet up at a pub.

Starlighter · 13/08/2018 12:32

YANBU! Wedding sounds awful too, I would feel awful about leaving my guests to fill an afternoon while I sat there and stuffed my face with only the ones who made the cut?!

Definitely text to say you’re fine for childcare so can DH come now? If she says no, then don’t go.

IceCreamFace · 13/08/2018 12:39

I've been invited to weddings without my partner before and been fine with it but this would rub me up the wrong way.

Clionba · 13/08/2018 12:43

@Starlighter - good point! That is one poor wedding.

SomeKnobend · 13/08/2018 12:47

I wouldn't go. She's been really rude, on top of which it's a ridiculous distance and she's not even hosting anything. I'd rather spend the time with dh and the kids.

Crunchymum · 13/08/2018 12:52

Wedding sounds dreadful, I mean truly dire.

How can the bride be expecting people to travel for that????? I mean seriously.

SilverySurfer · 13/08/2018 12:56

Yes it's rude to rescind your DP's invitation. What I don't understand is what they expect non-family guests to do while waiting for them to have a meal? I've never heard anything like it. Maybe you should all press your faces up against the restaurant window, salivating as you watch them eat Hmm

Good friend or not, I wouldn't go - not only are they wrong to uninvite your DP but it sounds like a crap wedding

SnuggyBuggy · 13/08/2018 13:02

I'd worry about second tier guests spending the gap in the pub then turning up already pissed TBH

girlywhirly · 13/08/2018 13:41

I agree, the whole thing sounds very unwelcoming. If you can’t afford to feed your guests, you cut back on other things to afford catering, or accept that you will need to invite less people in the first place.

In your position OP I wouldn’t go, even if it was close by and I had childcare covered. I wouldn’t be too keen to socialise with her and her husband afterwards either.

LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 13:53

I've heard of a few of these and they just sound so piss poor. Come to the church to watch me get married, fuck off until I say so, come meet up at a pub to buy your own drinks, give me a gift (usually such people tell you to buy their honeymoon or hand over cash). And even worse to say, your partner can come, oh, no, I forgot, I don't really like him even though I've mooched at your house for years.

Some friend!

It's so unimaginative, too, so many people are stuck in this paradigm that there has to be this sit down meal, a list and b list people and such.

RockinHippy · 13/08/2018 14:19

She's rude & if it were me, I wouldn't bother with her wedding.

Take the opportunity & the money to treat yourselves to a child free weekend away somewhere you actually want to go to & enjoy

GabriellaMontez · 13/08/2018 14:50

You can have a very light, casual, chat with her about this.

If there's something else going on it'll become clear and then you can decide whether to go or not.

On the face of it it seems very rude. Could just be a clumsy idea of hers.

Nomorechickens · 13/08/2018 15:12

I would decline the wedding invitation and just go up for the pub meal with friends. And explain to the friends why you weren't at the ceremony / drinks. That way you are probably getting to go to the most enjoyable part of the day.

VanillaSugar · 13/08/2018 15:36

How about both of you go to the wedding and then you and DP go off for your own night away?

VanillaSugar · 13/08/2018 15:36

Wedding as in the church only bit, then you two disappear for your own nice meal.

LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 16:44

I don't get why she even issued invitations at all. Anyone can come to the church and the rest is just meeting up in a pub. Wouldn't enable this by tying myself in knots - oh, just go to the church, oh, just for a nice meal. 'Sorry, won't be able to make it,' and then do something else.

Did she mention gifts?

SeaCabbage · 13/08/2018 17:19

Until you ask her you won't know if it's a misunderstanding. Why can't you just contact her, whether by text or phone and just say that she said she didn't ask your DH becuase of childcare but actually you do have childcare and he would like to come, is that ok?

I don't see the big deal to be honest.

SoapOnARoap · 13/08/2018 17:23

Putting a positive spin on your friends piss poor behaviour, Is he really hurt or just saying that? A lot of people would secretly be delighted at dodging a wedding

SilverySurfer · 13/08/2018 18:29

VanillaSugar
How about both of you go to the wedding and then you and DP go off for your own night away?

Well yes except the whole point is that the OP's DP has been uninvited.

Since anyone can enter a church and view a wedding, and anyone can go to a pub and buy their own drinks (presumably this is what the 'celebratory drinks' bit is) I'm having difficulty understanding what he has been disinvited from? They aren't saving money since they are spending zilch on their guests.

It would really serve them right if the non-family guests turned up sozzled while they and family have been stuffing their faces.

MistressDeeCee · 13/08/2018 21:27

Maybe she doesn't like your H. After all, what's she anticipating your childcare arrangements for?

I can't stand my good friends' H but if I invite them to social events I can cope with him being there. All I have to say is hi how are your as not as if event is about him & only him is it so who cares.

I'd just make my excuses and not go, in your shoes. I couldn't be bothered with it..she's rude and clumsy in the way she's disinvited.

Go somewhere else nice together on the day.

Doubt you'll all be socialising in the future tho

Pinkvoid · 13/08/2018 21:35

I wouldn’t go. Weddings are boring as fuck at the best of times but the ceremony is the worst part so to travel 240 miles round trip purely for a ceremony and without your partner is absolutely taking the piss.

crispysausagerolls · 13/08/2018 22:29

I would ask her directly why she has rescinded his invitation. If she pulls the childcare crap again just say “we have alternative childcare, DH is free to attend”. If she doesn’t want him there, you deserve an actual reason. And then just don’t go. So fucking rude.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/08/2018 22:41

Surely.. just tell her childcare not an issue and you are confused as he was previously invited.

If she's a close friend surely she deserves the opportunity to be clear on this and not just have you assume she's being a bridezilla or rude as fuck etc etc.

If you and your DH often do your own thing, she knows you can stay with family and do so without him seomtimes, maybe she has just assumed he wouldn't be bothered about coming and its not an issue.

You'll only know if you ask.

Then if she really is being a bridezilla you can tell her to stick it up her bum, obviously.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 13/08/2018 22:52

I think the bride is thinking of it as a low key way to see one of her best mates on her wedding day,

The wedding is obviously been kept as a very small family only do because that's what the brides future husband wants.

The Op is obviously OK to travel and see her old friends on her own as she has said they have planned to meet I between. Presumably she'd have done this at some other date in the year anyway.
It's not really a "wedding" it's a meet up on her friends wedding day. So the friends feel part of it. It's not about A list or B list. However I agree with people who say watch the husband. Who doesn't give their future wife a proper wedding do if she wants one even if it's just a decent party at the end of the night.

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