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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unhappy about this?

201 replies

cokezeroandice · 12/08/2018 08:47

DD has a summer job. She is away with friends until Wednesday, she gets back sometime around midday.

She got her rota for next week and between Wednesday evening and Sunday she has over 45 hours.

AIBU to tell them (with DDs consent) that it is far too much? She has college work to get ready, she will want to see her friends and most of all those sort of hours (starting at half six, not getting back till half nine) will drain her and exhaust her.

She’s worried and upset about it.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 12/08/2018 09:33

@DuggeesWoggle I'm 27 and I still write everything I want to say down and have it infront of me so I can read it like a script.

I hate phoning but it helps calm me and helps me make sure I can get my point across when I read off paper what I need to say ha

SparklyMagpie · 12/08/2018 09:33

Oh give over OP!

crimsonlake · 12/08/2018 09:34

Why are you posting on here when you are not listening to anyone's advice and are clearly still going to contact your daughter's employees on her behalf? Stop trying to micromanage your daughters life, she is an adult. If the hours are too much then it is her issue to resolve not yours.

Zoflorabore · 12/08/2018 09:34

It's hard to let go and I found this out yesterday.
My ds is only 15 and a football fanatic. He has a season ticket for our local premier league team and travels all over when he can.
Yesterday he went to a game 80 miles away. On his own. He also has AS. I was a nervous wreck but knew it would be good for him to have some independence.
He was absolutely fine and loved it.

Completely different scenario I know but the reason I say this is because my dp was forever telling me I "mollycoddled" him and he was right.
Dd is 7 and is very independent. Ds was babied too much by me so I have had to let him go, get out and speak for himself and I know if this was us in 3 years he would be bloody mortified if I rang on his behalf.

It's the easy option. We never stop being parents so it's human nature to want to help your dd but she needs to do this herself, regardless of her decision, just be there to support her and that's all you can do.

SoyDora · 12/08/2018 09:34

Oh come off it, no one said that and you know it.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 09:35

I get it I think - once they are 18, your role as a parent has officially finished and no further help or support is welcome as it is ‘babying’ them

Being there for her while she makes her own decisions and works out what’s best for her is support. You’re just too tied up in being all over every aspect of her life that you can’t see that.

There’s a very big difference between offering support and guidance and effectively spoon feeding her.

For her sake, I hope you find the balance.

BalthazarImpresario · 12/08/2018 09:35

I really wanted to fight dc (16) corner regarding hours recently but had to remember that it's their job, why would the employers take any notice of me as I'm not their employee and no laws etc are being broken and having worked in a similar environment there is zero respect given to ostend who call up when their child is perfectly able to. (especially parents calling in sick for their child, I don't mean hospitalised sick but ill, don't do this! My mum did once a I couldn't speak more than a few words but I got on the phone as well, mum just filled in the blanks for me)

My dc gets emotional around challenging or conflict so all I could do was advise them on what to say, how to approach and actually if they got emotional so what.

They approached the manager and it wasn't comfortable (also an hours thing) but they will now check with dc if they can work the extra shifts they are put down for. Manager in question is still being a bit of a dick but dc isn't being unreasonable just wants respect back and the manager knows that he isn't doing anything wrong in asking for that.

AmateurSwami · 12/08/2018 09:35

45 hours over 4 days is mental for a college age person.

Not wanting to spend every waking day working doesn’t mean she has a bad work ethic on the slightest.

She’s got her whole life to run herself into the ground working.

When I left school at 16 I was always put on the rota for 6 day weeks (no one else was but I was too scared to say no.)

Nicknacky · 12/08/2018 09:36

Your role isn’t over at 18 but you can’t get involved in routine employment issues.

She would be able to work a phone if she absolutely needed to!

If she can’t contat them like an adult then she turns up for her shifts and sucks it up.

saoirse31 · 12/08/2018 09:37

Is this her first job op? I can't imagine not actually encouraging DC to work, and in fact both u and her hoping she'd lose job is slightly odd. I'd worry about her resilience.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 09:37

Say you do call her boss and sort it for her, that fixes just now.

What happens when she’s 30 and doesn’t get on with a boss, or is having trouble at work?

Will she have the ability to sort it out herself? Will she know how to?

No, because you’ve always done it for her. Would you do it in her 30s?

Nicknacky · 12/08/2018 09:38

amateur it’s a few extra hours for ONE week. She’s not getting sent down the mines.

PurpleFlower1983 · 12/08/2018 09:38

She can phone from abroad, my guess is she doesn’t want to which I can understand but she really just needs to take control of this situation and say no.

Raven88 · 12/08/2018 09:38

She has to deal with this herself. How many days a week is she working. I understand that she is anxious and shy I have GAD and I used to struggle to assert myself. Also what hours did she agree on when she started?

PaulRuddislush · 12/08/2018 09:39

You really are being totally unreasonable now. Parenting adult dc isn't easy and they will always need your love and support and advice.
Think about it, she's "abroad" at the moment, you're happy enough for her to be the adult in that situation but not in the work related one.

whathappenedtherethen · 12/08/2018 09:39

Yet another OP getting a hard time 🙄. OP don't listen to the nasty ones, some people just like to argue but don't expect you to argue back!!! If she's not very confident yes you phone, I can't see a problem and yes I've run my own business in the past.

Iknowwhoyouare123 · 12/08/2018 09:41

I doubt there is an employer that wouldn't negatively judge an employee if their Mummy called to say they were being worked too hard.

Especially as you say she started at the beginning of August (less than 2 weeks ago) the first few days were training and she's currently abroad. Sounds like she's only worked a handful of days!

You say it's making her exhausted and low like she's been doing late/earlies down a mine.

BalthazarImpresario · 12/08/2018 09:41

Also if she's in Europe then calling won't cost her a penny extra. If the contract is in your name then crack on and call to make sure roaming bars are lifted but if not live chat to her provider would get that sorted (bars are now routinely lifted as not only is it a revenue stream with data but euro legislation means less people impacted by roaming costs, 18yrs deep in working for a network)

NoSquirrels · 12/08/2018 09:41

I just don’t think DD will be able to stand firm. And she needs to.

You doing it won’t help.

Your DD needs to decide if she’s quitting or negotiating.

Your DD needs to decide how much time she needs for college work etc.

You can help her with those decisions but you must not step in and solve it, or make it a “joint” effort/decision/problem.

Gentle by nature non-assertive people need all the practice they can get in non-urgent situations (such as this - quit job but still housed, fed, loved etc) because one day a bigger more urgent situation will be on their hands and they need the confidence of experience.

BishopstonFaffing · 12/08/2018 09:42

Assuming 3 weeks left of her summer holiday and a part time job would be approx 15 hrs a week she might be better just doing the 45 hours and then not working for the rest of the summer. Plenty of time to get over the exhaustion, study and see friends. And she wouldn't need to feel guilty about letting anyone down.

beachbodyunready · 12/08/2018 09:43

OP as your daughter is over 18 I very much doubt that her employer will discuss her hours with anyone other than her, or a union representative. An employer will not get into a discussion with the mother of an adult employee, and neither should they.

Hard as it seems this is a life lesson for your daughter and only she can have this discussion - encourage her and help her plan what she wants to say.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 12/08/2018 09:44

She's off on her holidays whilst her colleagues pick up her extra hours undoubtedly working 45+ hours a week. It works both ways. It's August, it's what happens. I'm admittedly older than 18 (notice OP doesn't say how much older than 18 her daughter is, I hope she's not in her 30s Confused) but I'M currently 6 months pregnant with heart failure and have managed to survive a 60 hour week over 6 days as a one off. It's how the working world works. If I don't cover my colleagues, why should they cover me?

She has 2 options really. She sucks it up and reeps the financial reward at the end of it, or she quits (and risks not having a job all summer and an indifferent/non existent reference). Whatever happens though, it needs to be her decision and she needs to communicate with her employer. She's an adult who is capable of travelling abroad, she's capable of negotiating her own working hours. At 18 she could easily be in the army fighting overseas, married with children, essentially doing whatever she likes. It's time to loosen the apron strings a little.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 12/08/2018 09:44

At over 18, she needs to deal with it herself, and the best time to allow her to do that is when you’re still here by her side.

If anything happened to you and/or she was alone, she wouldn’t be able to deal with this type of thing because you haven’t taught her how to.

You can be supportive and encouraging, but you should not take the reins and do it yourself.

AnnaMagnani · 12/08/2018 09:45

For healthcare industry these are normal hours but not parttime hours.

12 hours shifts are normal. So Fulltime hours can be done crammed in a few days with the rest of the week off.

She needs to agree how many hours a week she is going to do. If she only wants part time she needs to call the manager and say so.

AmateurSwami · 12/08/2018 09:45

amateur it’s a few extra hours for ONE week. She’s not getting sent down the mines

Thanks for clearing that up, I did indeed think op’s daughter was a miner.

This post is full of “when I was 8 I walked seventeen miles a day to the centre of the earth where I PAID MY BOSS”.

Good for you, you’re officially the hardest worker ever, you win the thread.

When I was 14 I used to babysit 6 kids for seven hours for a tenner. It was shit and a piss take. I was very poor so couldn’t turn it down as it went towards food for my entire family. Doesn’t mean i think this should be standard working ideals.

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