To be unhappy about this?

[cokezeroandice]

DD has a summer job. She is away with friends until Wednesday, she gets back sometime around midday.

She got her rota for next week and between Wednesday evening and Sunday she has over 45 hours.

AIBU to tell them (with DDs consent) that it is far too much? She has college work to get ready, she will want to see her friends and most of all those sort of hours (starting at half six, not getting back till half nine) will drain her and exhaust her.

She’s worried and upset about it.

OP instead of doing it for her you need to coach her in the possible ways the conversation will go,and how to give confident and consistent answers that ultimately say what she wants to say,be it “I am resigning” or “I want to reduce my hours”. She really is far too old to treat her this way and you need to guide her in being strong and independent or quite frankly you are doing her a disservice as her mother.

If she's old enough to have a summer job, then she is old enough to negotiate her hours.

Just go over with her what she needs to say and then stand near her when she rings to give her some supporymt. It will be a goid self esteem boost if she does it herself.

Sorry fot typos but think u get the gist!

@YeTalkShiteHen you've just written exactly what i was going to

"I want" "I don't want"

She's a bloody adult

She needs to tell them herself. If one of my staff got their Mum to call in for them I'd listen politely then ask to speak to my staff themselves. I'd be distinctly unimpressed that Mum had called for them.

The only time that is acceptable is if someone is so incapacitated they can't call for themselves.

She needs to do this herself.

I have an 18yo dd and honestly you are waaaaay over invested here.

You can advise what and how she does it IF SHE ASKS but beyond that it's totally up to her.

At 18 they really shouldn't even legally be talking to you about anything to do with her.

SparklyMagpie exactly! It’s not easy letting go and letting our children find their own way but not doing it is even worse and in the long run no good for them.

I didn’t want to let go the first time they took the stabilisers off their bikes, but I had to, to let them learn.

This is the same thing.

She’s got a great work ethic, thanks.

She is a lovely girl and I’m very proud of her.

I agree coaching her with what to say is ideal. The problem is she’s away until Wednesday so would have to text them which I think they’d ignore.

at 18 I was getting a 6am train, taking 3 separate trains and a 20 minute walk to work, working a full day then setting back off at 5pm for the return 3 hour journey home. Usually returning between 8 and 9pm.

5 days a week.

I started in November, so also during the winter.

I'd have killed for just doing those hours!

And I've worked plenty places with young people who've had over invested parents phoning up and trying to dictate their terms and conditions for their dc , it's not a good idea, trust me.

This really is babying her. I think it's pathetic really. At 18 I had a full time job, an evening bar job and night school.
She's 18
45 hours is not excessive for that age.
She might not be offered those hours again.
They might think as she's been on hols she might be grateful of the extra hours.
How long really does she need to get ready for college-pack a few books?
Needs to see her friends?well choices have to be made.
If she really doesn't want those hours, she just needs to gently remind them that she wanted part time hours, but please don't phone them yourself.
But I think it's looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Why can’t she call them? Text isn’t appropriate.

Or, just suck it up. It’s just a few longer days at work.

Why are you trying to raise a snowflake? Saying things like she is going to be too exhausted when she starts back at college...seriously? She is young and able!! Stop making excuses for her and let her get on with it. How do you expect her to learn and progress if you keep stepping in?

I was very timid and non confrontational as an 18 year old (still hate confrontation now at 37) so to have difficult phone calls I would write a list of bullet points with what I wanted to say. I found it useful for helping me not get diverted from getting my point across.

It's hard, and your DD may not get the result she wants but I promise you whatever the outcome she will learn so much more diing it herself than if you handle it for her. Yes you want her to enjoy her summer but you want to help her become more independent and assertive too don't you. Don't you?

If she can text she has a signal which means she can phone. You're still determined to put obstacles in the way of her sorting this for herself.

She is abroad Nick

At the end of the day OP, it's not your problem. If she has to text, she has to text or find a way to ring

She does sound like a lovely woman but she can't rely on you all the time.

My mum would give me her thoughts when work used to piss me about when j was younger but she's always tell me it was my decision and I need to speak up.

I doubt it's going to be the first time in her life she'll be faced with a horrible task of putting her foot down

And? Why would that stop her calling?

Yabvu in your attitude to your dd. Advise her sure, but don't do it for get.

She's being unreasonable in not contacting them and saying can't do xx shift etc. Coach her, role play it, but do not do it for her.

And I would have thought if she'd over 18, 45 hrs is not awful.

Still don’t get why you posted or are continuing to post when you’ve made your decision.
You’re an adult to, if you’ve made a decision then own it.

Your DD sounds lovely. I am also quite shy, and also anxious, and remember being terrified (admittedly a bit younger than your DD) at the thought of doing this sort of thing. However, my parents coached me on things to say, pushed me out of the nest, and were there with a cuppa once I got home.

I honestly think you have to let your DD sort it out for herself, otherwise it’ll grow in to a massive ‘thing’ that she’ll struggle with, whether now or in the future. By all means coach her, and support her, but let her get on with it whichever way she decides to go.

I still struggle with assertiveness at times (I’m a people pleaser!) but have read lots online about how to be more assertive which helps me just say no.

I don’t know, she tried to call me yesterday and couldn’t and she couldn’t work out how to use the phone.

I think I did long hours at 18 too. It made me unhappy and depressed. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. I get it I think - once they are 18, your role as a parent has officially finished and no further help or support is welcome as it is ‘babying’ them.

Thank you, unicorn

She is lovely. Really lovely.