Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

[papercoversrock]

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

He’s lucky you didn’t go to the police. Dirty pervert

HE needa to leave for as long as you want him to.

What a huge invasion of your privacy and breach of trust. Eurgh.

Being filmed to me would be a big warning sign - huge violation!

He‘s committed a crime against you, it’s completely normal to want space. You wouldn’t be abnormal to leave him over it.

Is he maybe going on the offensive to stop you thinking it over and going to the police? And/or discovering that this wasn’t the first time?

WTF is wrong with him?! I'm all for a bit of kink in the bedroom but violating your privacy like that? I doubt it was the first time...

I would have got the first ferry back home and seriously considered if I could stay with such a disgusting perv.

HE needs to go. You and dc stay in the house. Tell him if he doesn’t go you absolutely WILL be reporting it to the police.

Has he deleted all copies of the video? I like other posters don't understand why he thinks it's acceptable behaviour to video you especially during sex without your consent and knowledge. I would have to consider relationship counseling in your situation to stop me kicking him out.

PussInSandals (Love the name btw) I seriously considered getting the first ferry, but I love his family and it was a really special occasion, and they did nothing wrong. I did make it clear that once the festivities were over, I'd be taking my leave.

I don't mind a bit of kink myself, but yes, the invasion of privacy hurts.

But mostly it's not the filming itself I'm complaining about. It's the response afterwards.

BlueBug yes he's deleted. However, I sent myself a copy from his phone because at the time I wanted the evidence of what he'd done. That means the video now exists in perpetuity. I regret that, but at the same time I didn't want him to be able to remove the evidence. Not sure what the riht thing to do woud have been.

A lot of strong feelings about him filming, which I do agree with. However, it's his behaviour since then that really gets me. If I need space I need space. He's acting like I'm crazy to want to get away for a while, and he's demanding access to our son during that time. It puts a lot of the onus on me when he should just be saying "Thank you for being so reasonable"

I agree with you op.

If he was genuinely sorry (rather than sorry he was caught) he would understand how serious this is and not attempt to minimise it or attack you.

Taking the two together, the filming without consent and the lack of any real effort to make amends i’d struggle to stay.

If by “space” you mean divorce, YANBU. At all.

I completely agree with you needing space and he should let you have it. Nevertheless, he is quite reasonable to say you having space is not the same as you stopping him from seeing his own child.

In what way is he making you feel horrible and crazy?

Thanks, Fightthebear. I never planned to leave him over this, but since he's behaved like a dickhead I do have my doubts.

I would leave my DH if he did this. It's way too far over a boundary and illegal.

RabbitsAreTasty Well, my plan was to take our DS to visit my parents for a week. It's really not a long time. DH is away with work for weeks sometimes, and sometimes when he's home, he contributes little, frankly, in parenting terms. However, he's decided that this week (the week I've decided I need my space) would be the perfect week for him to be a superdad and take DS camping for the first time ever. I have agreed to this. Im not denying him access to his son in any way. However, I do find it a bit irritating that he has decided he wants to be superdad this week rather than any other week the past 2 years.

What a
I would seriously want that deleted and then leave him. Forever.

You know that you will never be able to trust him again and so does he.
That is why he does not want you to out of his control just now. He thinks the marriage is over because he knows it should be.

Unfortunately your needing space means that your ds will either leave with you or stay with his father. It’s not about depriving a father of being with his child for if you leave without your child you will be depriving your child of being with you. And of course depriving yourself of time with him. Why should you do that when you’ve doing nothing wrong?

He’s really not getting this at all is he? It’s a total betrayal of trust and he’s wittering on about the affect on him of a situation he’s made. He really doesn’t sound very mature or understand the severity of what he’s done.

It’s gets worse and worse. So now he’s taking DS away for a week rather than removing himself to give you space.

It sounds like you’re being punished.

Alarm bells.
I would get the hell out of this shocking "relationship".
He doesn't respect you, he has broken all trust you might have had in him. Delete his recording if you can. If he is capable of this vile, disgusting practice, I would wonder what else is he up to that you don't know about? He even tries to make you feel guilty, like you're being unreasonable. You deserve better.

Blimey, a lot of hatred for my husband here. Would anybody understand if I said I don't want to divorce him? I do wish he would understand the severity of what he'd done and be less of a manipulative nob, but I genuinely think he has a lot of good points, and my hope is that we can work through this and stay together.

I'm very grateful for the support. It gives me strength to be strong when I leave tomorrow. But I'm still hopeful we can sort things out and grateful for advice in that direction

Good grief OP. You don't seem to understand how he is bullying, oppressing and controlling you. Amongst other things.
Are you going to allow him to take your D's away? If not how are you going to stop him, by obeying him?
This can't be real surely.