Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

[papercoversrock]

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

Nope - there’s no hatred for your husband, we don’t know him. People are shocked by what you’re describing.

Him being a stupid twat about the filming is separate from his parenting. It’s his son too.

Before he goes, could you make clear that it is the way he has handled his appalling behaviour over the filming which is killing it for you?

Just because this is the first time you've discovered that he has filmed you doesn't mean it's the first time he has done it. It might be. But equally he might have done it dozens of times, and you've no idea about it. Or who might have seen it. If you ask him, I'd bet my life that he'd deny it, say it was a moment of madness, he's never even considered it before, how could you think that of him etc. Would you ever be able to trust him again?

OP, there have been previous posters who have had their partners film them without consent and then upload those videos online.

I think your minimising how serious this is. If he films you in your sleep what else can he do to you?

Why are you unable to just tell him that you're going to parents for a week with DS? Are you worried about his reaction?

If he dared about you he would understand your need to go away. Him tellung you that you can't take DS is controlling because he knows you're unlikely to go without DS.

OP reading your account of your husband's behaviour is disturbing. He has violated your privacy and trust by committing a crime against you. Now he is blaming you and trying to stop you doing anything about it.

From an outsider perspective I have no hesitation in saying that In your shoes I would have contacted the police and left him over this. However, I'm not in your shoes and I don't know your situation or feelings about DH beyond this incident.

If I wasn't going to end it I think I'd be looking for evidence that this really was the only time it had happened. Based on the advice I've seen other posters give out time and again on MN I think I'd also be looking at either the freedom programme or the Bancroft book to make sure I wasn't the slowly boiled frog and that my boundaries are actually ok still. This must have really shaken you and I hope you'll be alright.

You're all saying such sensible things. I suppose I lack a backbone.

Thanks all. I haven't slept yet, so need to get my head down. Knowing AIBU I'll wake up to a bunch of scholars telling me I'm evil :) I do appreciate all advice and support so far. Xxx

It's not lack of backbone- it's just that he has steadily and gradually manipulated you to the point that makes you question what is glaring you in the face.

ShumpaLumpa that's precisely what I said and he got cross about it, so I listened and compromised

OP I'm going to put this in the bluntest of terms he is a sex offender. Let that sink in a moment, it is unlikely this is the first or will be the last time he does this. The manipulation, control and using your son is fairly text book behaviour. Now have a think about whether you can continue living with and trusting someone who sexually offends. This isn't an error of judgement it was a premeditated violation of your privacy , he committed a sexual act without your consent. Go to your parents' and take your son, I'm sure he'll have a lovely time seeing his grandparents. If you are worried or frightened to do this, think about why, and what that says about this man.

ShumpaLumpa that's precisely what I said and he got cross about it, so I listened and compromised

What is the compromise? (Sorry if I've missed it).

And do you think it's a compromise or have you given in because of his anger?

He's not sctually sorry, OP. someone who"s sorry doesn't behave like this.

Is it possible to say “okay, you take DS camping and when you get back we’ll go to my parents for a week?”

And if he pitches a fit add “you did something wrong and I’m upset about it, but right now I’m more upset about you trying to stop me going away for one week. Are you scared if I go I won’t come back?”

What you fail to grasp is that he feel he is entitled to do what he did.
The hatred I feel for your husband is the same contempt I feel for all sex offenders who exploit women.
What will you do when he films the children?

Why is it not ok for you to take DS to your parents, but it’s ok for him to take him camping?

People saying it’s his DS too, you can’t deny him seeing him etc are being ridiculous and short sighted. He is only saying that to control you, hes only taking DS to control you and to make himself look better to everyone else.

He’s a manipulator but you’re not seeing it.

It’s not about other posters being hateful towards your DH, it’s about seeing him and his actions more clearly than you are.

Secretly filming you having sex, then not telling you about it, is pretty awful, but as you have said, his behaviour since you confronted him has been worse. I wonder how many times he’s done it before and I bet it wasn’t just for his wank bank.

...but you really need to think hard about his reaction to this and why you still want to be with him. You sound like the frog in the pan 😕

In your shoes I would assume this has happened before, and I would also want to know the purpose of filming the videos, in case he has put them online - which isn't so unlikely, there's many ways to share amateur sex videos now. There are whole online communities, and who knows how many of the videos are consensual. I don't want to worry you unnecessarily but as he still doesn't seem to grasp the wrongness of what he's done, there might still be things you don't know. Sorry you're going through this.

OP I think it is a good thing you have posted here as it has given a reality check about the seriousness.

The filming is bad enough but the lack of remorse on his side is much worse.

I wouldn't be allowing the camping trip and be taking your dc to your parents. Just pack a few things and go, you don't need his permission.

You need proper space, a week probably isn't enough. Once you are there I would be telling him that you are considering ending your marriage over this so he realises the gravity of the situation.

You're being totally reasonable, you should remind him that it's against the law to film anyone without their knowledge, that includes family, filming sex on his phone without you knowing is on a whole other lever of wrong, the police will see it as gross indecency, so if he wants to get funny, just inform him you'll toddle off down the Police station for a crime number, but to be honest to cover your own back and keep you safe, I'd report it to the Police and get a crime number anyway. Even if he deletes the video there are ways of retrieving it again so get it reported to protect yourself. I personally could never trust him again if that happened to me, good luck.

So do you think this was the first time he filmed you having sex? Really? You discovered it the first time?

Videos of you could be anywhere!

Be very very careful OP, the man is dangerous.

Did he say why he did it?

I think if someone does something like that without your consent, it is about power and control. It is also against the law.

Becoming superdad when you want to leave is also a way of controlling the situation.

The ‘claws coming out’ and getting cross when you want to go to your parents for a week with DS is also controlling. It is not a compromise- he is getting his own way (you are not getting to leave with your DS for a week when you want to). A compromise would have been you going to your parents for three or four days. But he is not letting you go when you want to, he is suddenly doing a camping trip.

All of which (his behaviour since) is smoke and mirrors to detract from the original offence.

Would you have had sex if you had known he was filming? He had sex under false pretences with you because he had not told you he was filming. He has filmed you without your consent. He has violated your trust in two different ways. But now you are arguing about whether you can go and see your parents for a week and when. Which is really both besides the point (the point being he has committed a sex offence against you) and illustrative of the fact that this is not a good man.

The comment about scholars telling you you are evil is bizarre, though. The posts here seem concerned for you. My honest opinion is that you cannot sort this one out, but my belief is that while you still want to, you will find it difficult to see that.

I also agree with reporting it to the police; if it gets to a messy divorce and contact battle, it is better to be clear and have evidence why things ended. But given that you are going for the sweep it under the carpet and hope it goes away approach, that is probably wasted advice. I don’t think this is something that can be swept under the carpet.

Personally I would be concerned as to whether or not he has done this before and whether there is any video's of me travelling around the world wide web giving men wanking material.

For me it would be an immense invasion of my privacy and shows a total lack of respect plus it is an arrestable offence. Doubt it would have been made one if it is not seen as an attack on whoever is being filmed.

OP I’d be extremely concerned that this wasn’t the first time he’s done this. I’d also be concerned he’s uploaded the videos somewhere or shared them with people.

Can you access his email and social media?

tbh I think I might let him take DS away; it would give you time to do some checking with him out of the house. I’d also protect yourself and use the time to pull together the kind of info you would need for a divorce (financial stuff, important documents for you and DS etc). If you never use it then no harm done. If you do decide to separate then you’ll be ok the front foot.

I really really don’t that on a family holiday with his wife and son was the first time this man ever thought: ‘hey, I wonder what it would be like to film us having sex without her knowing’?

No way is this the first time. No way.

He’s got no empathy for you, and no moral compass.

What was the quality of the video like? If it was ok quality with a decent camera angle etc to me that would indicate he has done this before. I also find it implausible that the first time he decided to do this was on this trip and you just happened to find him. If I were you I'd be checking his browser history very carefully on his computer and phone to see if he's uploaded videos of you anywhere.

What he's done is serious and could be a lot worse than what he's admitted to. The fact that he finds it so hard to apologise is also not a good sign about him.

Can you be sure this is the first time he's filmed you - or the first time he hasn't got away with it? I would be checking for evidence.

If you are adamant you don't want to leave him over this, I don't see how you can object to him taking your son camping so you can stay at home and have the space to think. It is what you've asked for. However, I would be very concerned that he's dictated what happens to your son on your week apart and it's ringing massive alarm bells. If you were to split, I think he'd use your DS as a pawn, for sure.

Please OP, please read the concerned comments with open eyes. If this was your sister or best friend or daughter what would you be saying? I think @KataraJean got it spot on.