Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

[papercoversrock]

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

I'm not convinced secretly scanning stuff and making sneaky preparations to leave is any less of an abuse of trust than the filming.

You're wrong. HTH.

I think I've heard it all now. Women in abusive relationships should not hide their preparations to leave because it's an abuse of trust.

But whenever a person with an overtly feminine username says something that offensively stupid, it almost always means that nearby, there's a shrivelled penis flapping around like a wet windsock.

Busy Barbara- what planet are you on? These are her documents anyway. She has every right to keep a copy. There is nothing underhand about it. But if there were, it would certainly be justified in order to protect herself from any potential fallout of her having to leave her criminal husband. I really can’t understand what your point is on any level...

@busybarbara are you the OPs partner?

@busybarbara WTH? What a ridiculous thing to suggest!

Don't encourage him.

I'm not convinced secretly scanning stuff and making sneaky preparations to leave is any less of an abuse of trust than the filming.

Well you should be convinced.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

I'm not convinced secretly scanning stuff and making sneaky preparations to leave is any less of an abuse of trust than the filming.

Oh, wow. What a cuntish comment.

The OP has the right to scan these documents. She has the right to leave her husband for any reason. And she has the right to make sure that she and her child can leave safely and without enduring preventable hardship.

Her husband has clearly shown himself to be very manipulative, doesn't respect her or common legal and moral boundaries and may therefore resort to quite unsavoury methods in certain circumstances!

Her husband certainly didn't have the right to commit a crime.

Your comment isn't just absolutely useless. It may actually be harmful... Good job.

Crikey! If I hadn't made preparations to leave in secret, I'd still be with an abuser. Yes, I copied documents too, I'm working on getting my money back as he's financially abusive as well. Some stupid comments on here.

I know the ship has sailed on public opinion here but I'm not convinced secretly scanning stuff and making sneaky preparations to leave is any less of an abuse of trust than the filming.

Of course you are right.
OP has been the victim of a criminal offence, has been emotionally abused and manipulated and its reallly really bad of her to try to escape her abuser by getting things ready to leave without alerting her abuser. How silly of us all not to see that.

Copying documents (that probably are yours in the first place) you will need to have to enable you to leave without agro from your abuser, how very abusive! Poor man, he should be the one getting all the sympathy on here not OP.

FFS!

busybarbara are you the OPs partner?

Or some other random man. I suspect there's a few about atm.

Paper,

It was me who mentioned counselling......

Person centred therapy - dealing with the here and now. A non judgemental space for you to find your own way and your own truth. Lots of empathy. Think this would be good!

Psychodynamic therapy - deals with past, look how anything, this could be positive or negative could now be mafifesting itself in your behaviour / thoughts / feelings now.

CPD - I’d say this is more for things like addiction. BUT if you’d rather something directive this will give you steps to take and milestones to reach (that sort of thing). I’ve never trained in this so I’m not entirely sure.

Some people work intergratively so they are trained in different therapies basically. I think that would be good for you.

Personally I like hypnotherapy too. Found it empowering. I didn’t even have it myself, I just took my son and sat in on the sessions.

Look on www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/how-to-find-a-therapist/

Or

www.counselling-directory.org.uk

HTH and hope you’re doing well 😘

busybarbara I can't say that being this sneaky sits very well with me either. So perhaps you would like to tell me what you would do instead, if you were in my position.

It was sneaky of me to send that video to myself. It's sneaky of me to have started a thread I will never tell him about. It was sneaky of me to get an admission of guilt out of him via electronic messaging rather than just in person. Should I have refrained from doing those things? Or were they wise under the circumstances?

You seem to be saying that I must act nobly and abide by the highest moral standard, regardless of the treatment doled out to me, and regardless of the potential disadvantage to myself and - far more importantly - my son. I can understand why you might think that. Being a consistently virtuous person, striving to be "the better person," is not a bad approach to life, and I hope it's served you well in yours. However in my case, to a large extent it's that kind of double standard that got us to where we are.

Perhaps you think I should be open with my husband and let him know what I'm up to. Can you spot any potential negative consequences to that course of action?

I'm genuinely interested to know what actual advice you have. To criticise without offering an alternative doesn't really help me.

What you call sneaky is what I call being smart and cautious, OP.

Good things in my book.

Take care :)

I'd be checking porn sites incase hes been uploading videos of you for a while.
This happened to my friend and there were over 20 videos of her

Thanks, Teddybearbaby

Meant CBT FYI 🙈.

By the way you’re doing really well. Pay attention to only the things that resonate with you, forget the rest x

@paper
re: 'barbara'
(your response a few posts up)

Hot damn this is the stuff!
"Truly, the assertiveness & logic are strong in this one!"

Congratulations. You express yourself as a true gentlewoman.
Ma'am, I salute you.

OP please ignore busybarbara she’s batshit and massively judgemental, I’ve seen her on other threads. Hope your situation gets sorted out with whatever outcome you decide is best for you

On his next week or two off, he gets to be me. He gets DS, the dog, playgroup, mealtimes, bath and bed and all the laundry and housework and other shite to juggle for two entire weeks.. I get to go to “work" which in my case would be the job centre or the library to study for a translation qualification.
When I get back from “work” I get to make jokes about how badly he is looking after the house, then treat myself to a lie down because I've been working so hard all day. If he has looked after the house very badly, I get to complain about it.
The remote control is mine, and mine alone. He can borrow it while I'm out.

This really struck me when I read it OP - these are the conditions that you are putting on him as an attempt to reconstruct a relationship that he has shattered with his behaviour, and all you are asking for is that he puts up with what you put up with every day.

His 'punishment' for doing something despicable is to spend time doing what you do daily out of love for your son and your desire to create a happy family life while you 'punish' him by treating him the way he treats you without a second thought. Which I imagine you will find hard and will 'help' him both by doing the things you would normally do so that he doesn't have to and by not being as rude and dismissive as he is about your contribution to the house. Not because you don't like confrontation, just because you are a good mum and a nice person.

And being on the receiving end of the behaviour that is doled out to you in what you deem a 'happy marriage' is something that you think is a harsh condition only worthy of someone who has betrayed and hurt the person they are supposed to love the most.

Even if you struggle to trust your gut or to go with your instinct, can you see how your 'this is how you should have to prove that you have changed' ultimatum just shows that you already know that this incident is more the shitty icing on the unappealing cake than a truly out-of-character moment.

You're right of course DoJo.

Being "Mum" for a couple of weeks will not make everything ok.

It will, however, allow me two weeks to be a free agent, which I desperately need and have not had since DS came along.
It will be a chance for DH to juggle all the things I've juggled on a daily basis that I've been juggling for a long time now. It will be a chance for me to deal him a taste of the treatment that he has dealt me. No violence, by the way: just a constant drip-feed of "You're doing this wrong, that doesn't go there, can we not leave X in such-a -place?"
A daily announcement: "Here are my plans for the day. They involve me doing things that I have decided are important. They do not include walking the dog or spending quality time with my son." Implied will be "I care not for your opinion on this matter. Sentient beings are not my priority." Any questions will be shot down.

I will throw him the occasional curveball, like insisting that we all go shopping or visit family or take the dog out together, rather than give him a free hour while I do it on my own.

I hope it will be the start of a decent conversation. Even if it's not, I'm having my two weeks. DH is good with DS when he makes the effort. I don't doubt that DS will have a good time and be cared for.

DH has already implied that he thinks he will excel at this challenge, and perhaps he will. He is very organised and methodical. I have absolutely no intention of making this easy for him, though.

I haven't the slightest clue how we (he) can make things good in the long term. I do know that I want my two weeks right now.

At the moment, I'm just getting a little of what I'm owed, and freeing up some time for myself so I can think straight.

I hope this makes sense.

I have to be honest, I don’t think two weeks is enough time to get him sufficiently knackered enough. Perhaps make sure your kid starts hanging out with some others with d&v and/or a really heavy cold about four days before your two weeks kicks into gear. Perhaps throw in some chicken pox as well. Maybe something your husband can catch as well.

I'm a bit wary of this challenge.

What would him succeeding prove? You're two different people. And it's just for two weeks...
And him succeeding wouldn't make you less deserving of respect. Or his actions less wrong / predatory.

It will, however, allow me two weeks to be a free agent, which I desperately need and have not had since DS came along.

Yes, that's great. I just don't see why you're making it a challenge. Anyhow, good luck!

I'd recommend to anyone, 2 apps for having all your documents in one place. First Evernote. I'd go for premium it's not expensive. Secondly scannable. It's scans everything and you link it to Evernote and then it stores a copy of every scan into Evernote.

Evernote gives you access to everything either on your phone or on any computer.

You can also link Evernote and Dropbox.

You can also email into Evernote.

If you set up the computer widget it also allows you to screen shot whole pages, articles etc into Evernote.

A practical thing you can do: you mentioned that you're not working, but that he never questions what you've spent money on. You need some money put away, so start doing that. What I would do, is if you do the shopping without him, get cashback at the till every time. Build it up gradually, or he might notice and wonder why the shopping is £50 more than it usually is. Start with £20, and after a few weeks, increase it to £30 and so on. Gosh, they keep putting the prices up, food and toiletries are getting so expensive nowadays!

Open an account he doesn't know about and put the money in there.

What's going to happen when the 2 weeks is up? Ultimately, you need to leave him, so get an appointment with a solicitor to find out your rights and what you'll be entitled to.

All the best.