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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

459 replies

papercoversrock · 12/08/2018 04:05

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

OP posts:
TheStoic · 12/08/2018 09:45

You have kids?

If they find out what your husband has done to you, what would you want them to learn? That this is ok?

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 12/08/2018 09:46

Of course I can see it’s wrong... but that’s what I imagine was going on in a blokes head. I haven’t said it’s fine.... but I think the MN cries of ‘LTB’ are used far too often, and I don’t think it puts him firmly into sex offender territory.

ResurrectedGoldfish · 12/08/2018 09:49

it’s a bit naughty
most blokes would want to do this

Er, what??? No they wouldn’t, most ‘blokes’ would think it’s a sex crime, just like anybody.

He thought you’d say no...

So he just went ahead and did it anyway. You do realise there’s a word for that, don’t you?

bellinisurge · 12/08/2018 09:51

Most blokes don't want to do this. Some teenage boys with no respect for women might think about it.

winecigsandchoc · 12/08/2018 09:53

Anyone else thinking that when OP confronted him and he immediately left the room he was deleting other things on his phone, only then he came back in with his totally shite "apology"?

Massive red flags, this is not the first time. Your feeling are not his priority.

GabriellaMontez · 12/08/2018 09:54

His lack of remorse over his disgusting behaviour is troubling.

How can you forgive and move on when he doesn't really appear to be sorry? Just a bit out out that he's been caught.

treaclesoda · 12/08/2018 09:54

I’m of the opinion that most blokes would want to do this

This is seriously depressing.

It's not my experience of men at all. But clearly for a lot of people this seems like fairly normal male behaviour.

Tweakanddashi · 12/08/2018 09:55

You can download a free app called "fing" which will tell you about everything that is connected to your WiFi. So if he has a WiFi connected camera in the bedroom then that is a start to finding it. Also just try standing in the bedroom and bathroom with the lights off and shining a torch all around the room- most hidden cameras have a lense that will shine back. Apparently

ResurrectedGoldfish · 12/08/2018 09:55

I don’t think it puts him firmly into sex offender territory
It does, he’s committed a sex crime, and is therefore a sex offender. Otherwise you’re going into ‘it’s only criminal if you get caught’ territory.

Bezm · 12/08/2018 09:58

TBH, I would see if someone else can have your son for a few days so you can work this out together if you want to stay together. You're not going to sort this out by being away from each other. You've got to be honest with each other. Why did he feel the need to film you? Has he done it before? What did he intend to do with the video? Is this something yo could do together in the future?
Once you have answers to these questions, you can move on.
Good luck. X

ResurrectedGoldfish · 12/08/2018 10:04

Is this something you could do together in the future?

Youre kidding, right???? “I’m really sorry you felt the need to assault me, perhaps in the future I could participate in my own violation and then you might not feel so guilty about it”

glintandglide · 12/08/2018 10:04

I think everyone is piling in here. Have a think about what you would genuinely do in these circumstances. It’s unlikely to be police, let’s be honest. Either they do nothing (likely) or they do and the ramifications for your children are ongoing.

OP, please don’t think I’m blaming you at all but I think you’ve dealt with this in a way that makes it obvious he’ll be forgiven. Move out for a bit? Why should he? Where would he go? I think you either split up or you don’t.

Throwing people out on the street doesn’t usually happen, instead you live separately until the living arrangements are sorted and the divorce goes through.

Because you’ve been so wish washy about what is going to happen (and of course you’re confused I don’t blame you) he knows you’re not serious. It’s not going to work until you are.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 12/08/2018 10:05

@treaclesoda

I definitely don’t think it’s normal for a man to carry out the filming unless it was consensual, I don’t mean to imply this is a common thing, but yes... I think most men, if their partner said ‘can we film this?’ would not hesitate to agree. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong in that. (I think I’ve been with one person who I know would be uncomfortable with it.)

The OPs DH is clearly in the wrong, I’m not saying he wasn’t. I’m just saying he’s been stupid rather than malicious... imo.

Huskylover1 · 12/08/2018 10:06

but I don’t think the filming is as bad as it’s been made out here. I’m of the opinion that most blokes would want to do this... it’s a bit naughty, he thought you’d say no and he just wanted a video for himself

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK?
So, a man's "wants" trump a woman's right to not be violated? Fucking great. And this, I presume, is a comment from a woman?

I totally understand why you don’t want to divorce him, if this isn’t a regular thing and he’s otherwise a good husband, then surely you can both work through this?

A) She has no fucking idea if this is a regular thing.
B) He is not otherwise a good husband. He's frequently absent and doesn't parent or help, when he's home.

Honestly, some people set their Bar lower than a Limbo.

SunflowerJo08 · 12/08/2018 10:08

If I were you I'd be using the time when he is not here to get all the paperwork in order that you would need to move forward with a separation, should the need arise - as you yourself have said, his behaviour following this incident has hardly been that of a person who is regretting the incident or who is keen to make up for it. In fact, to me it seems he has dug his heels in and become arrogant - all warning signs that he doesn't really give a damn.

All I can say is, be prepared.

HelpmeobiMN · 12/08/2018 10:09

“I’m really sorry you felt the need to assault me, perhaps in the future I could participate in my own violation and then you might not feel so guilty about it”

THIS THIS THIS. Why would you ever advise a woman to allow sex videos to be made with a man who has ALREADY proven so completely that he can’t be trusted and doesn’t care about respect and consent?!

I am genuinely astounded that some PPs think that this isn’t that bad, or that it’s something most would want to do. I think you must have grown up around and encountered really awful and creepy men to have such a warped view of what men are and should be like.

My husband, dad, brother, brothers in law and male friends would be horrified by this behaviour - and I firmly believe most men (and all decent men) would feel the same.

DownTownAbbey · 12/08/2018 10:10

I'm getting sleazy and sinister from your posts OP. Most abusers can be nice some of the time or they wouldn't get anyone to hang around long enough to be abused. It's also a 'nasty nice' cycle. I don't know if your husband is full on emotionally abusive as well a sleazy secret sex offender, I'm using it as an example of how just because a toxic man is 'nice' sometimes it doesn't mean he's ok.

From your posts I get hints at general unpleasantness with him never saying sorry and being a shit dad. But what smacked me round the face and made me feel frightened for you was his telling you that you can't take your son away. That's him knowing exactly how to hit you where it hurts. Controlling and sinister behaviour from a man who leaves the majority of parenting to you. Please take the blinkers off. You don't know this man as well as you think you do.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 12/08/2018 10:12

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK?
So, a man's "wants" trump a woman's right to not be violated? Fucking great. And this, I presume, is a comment from a woman?

Except I didn’t say any of this.

seventhgonickname · 12/08/2018 10:14

If he doesn't normally apologise then I think the only reason he did it (reluctantly and notify seems really meant)was because you were at a family event,the same reason you accepted the apologised didn't rock the boat.
Had you been at home would he have apologised?After all at home when he has even had time to think about it,The claws came out.
Then you aren't allowed to take your son with you but he can take him camping.
You want your marriage to work but really unless you can sit down and talk as equals and he really apologises and gets what he had done then the way your marriage works is by you putting up with it,doing it all his way.Is that doable for the rest of your life?

RandomMess · 12/08/2018 10:15

Why does his wish to take DS camping supersede your PLAN to take him to your parents for a week...

He is definitely doing it for the wrong reasons and you know that. I would refuse to let DS go, in fact I'd have packed and been out the house before he woke up. What's he going to do call the police and have you tell them WHY?

ResurrectedGoldfish · 12/08/2018 10:17

Well you kind of did when you said he just wanted a video
The OP didn’t agree to be filmed, but he wanted to film her. So he did it without her consent. So he can justify overriding her rights because “he just wanted a video”? Therefore his desires trumped her rights.

katielouise3 · 12/08/2018 10:19

Grim ... LTB.

ResurrectedGoldfish · 12/08/2018 10:27

I think most men, if their partner said ‘can we film this?’ would not hesitate to agree
This in itself is debatable, however it’s not the issue at all. It’s whether most men, on being told no, would go ahead and do it anyway. Also, there’s no equivalence. One person asks if they can try something as a couple, other person agrees or doesn’t and either way partner accepts this = normal sex life. One person doesn’t bother asking, does whatever anyway regardless of partners consent = assault and sex crime.

airsealengineer · 12/08/2018 10:29

Ok OP, years ago I posted about something arsey and hurtful DH did, everyone piled on and told me he was awful, to leave etc. I defended DH and thought they were all a bunch of vipers who didn't really know him and his 'good qualities'. But they were all right. They could see what i couldn't. I wish I had left then.
A big red flag for me in your post is your gratitude for his ' 12 year old boy ' apology. I did that too OP. No matter how weak and small DH's gestures were I loved him for them and the 'effort' they cost him.
No OP, you deserve better. You matter. A weak gesture made under duress? You deserve better. And if you are in the situation where you are grateful for such smallness, things are a lot worse in your relationship than you realise.

Gabilan · 12/08/2018 10:34

I’m of the opinion that most blokes would want to do this... it’s a bit naughty, he thought you’d say no and he just wanted a video for himself.

Cabbage, there is a huge difference between watching a video that has been made by people you know to be fully consenting, and watching a video made in secret without the consent of one party. My last boyfriend loved taking photographs and asked me if he could. It was really good fun - it was all part of the two of us being together. We both knew exactly what was going on, we both consented without any pressure. The images became a part of what we did together and part of the fun was knowing that we both enjoyed the photographs and were active, willing participants.

This is absolutely different to secret videoing which is all about power play and objectification, as PP have explained very well. You want a video, ask. If the other person is willing, it will be part of the fun of videoing. If you think they'll say no, you still ask and respect their answer. To not even ask, for whatever reason, says "you do not matter. Your consent is not required, these images are for my benefit, you are an object to be viewed, your consent is of no consequence and not necessary for my enjoyment".

It's really sad that you cannot see how different these two things are.