Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

459 replies

papercoversrock · 12/08/2018 04:05

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 12/08/2018 09:02

Apart from the issue of the filming, which is of course disposable behaviour, is it normal for him to not allow you to go away for a week with your child? That seems awfully controlling.

WeWantJustice · 12/08/2018 09:03

Would anybody understand if I said I don't want to divorce him?

Yes completely

It's really hard to face the fact that the life you have been living, is different to the one you thought you were living and that the man you've been living with, is a completely different person to the one you thought he was.

Only you can decide whether you want to live with the man you now know he is, versus the man you thought he was.

But I tell you what, a man who only bothers to parent his child for the purpose of manipulating or controlling his child's mother and doesn't otherwise bother, is an objectively bad father Sad Apart from the perv stuff.

Fang2468 · 12/08/2018 09:04

Massive red flags about ‘finding it hard to alologise’ fuck that shit, he should be grovelling and throughly ashamed at the gross breach of trust. But he’s not.
Why not? Because he’s an abuser and he’s biding his time, going away for a week, and trying to make you feel guilty for something.
Ask him how he can prove to you that this Was the only time he’s filmed you, you are entitled to have a full and honest conversation on this, my bet is he will clam up again and try to deflect back on you - watch his reaction very carefully.

morningconstitutional2017 · 12/08/2018 09:04

I'd be so incensed about this I'd feel like using physical violence and that's not like me. I'd want to punch him in the jaw again and again. After making sure it's all deleted (and how do you know he hasn't sent copies out to 'friends'?) I'd seriously consider throwing it on the floor and stamping on it. Yes really.

His behavior afterwards isn't exactly saintly either.

thethoughtfox · 12/08/2018 09:05

Don't look at this as a 'Superdad' act. He committed a crime against you and then told you he till take your son away from you so you can't leave with him. He is using your child to control you. This is really sinister. He left as soon as you discovered it? Then returned with apology he didn't even pretend to mean? He uploaded it somewhere.

WeWantJustice · 12/08/2018 09:06

and all he got was a slap on the wrist because I couldn't prove I didn't consent to these videos.

OMG. Why is the onus that way round, why doesn't he have to prove you consented, why doesn't the platform he posted on, have a legal duty to get the consent of all parties in an uploaded video?

The correct way round should be, that someone needs to prove consent, because that is easy to do. If everyone consented, it's easy enough to produce the statement or piece of film where they are saying they consent, isn't it?

Quartz2208 · 12/08/2018 09:11

There are so many things to unpick and I think the problem is that the video is one in a long line of you not been respected or seen as an equal partner.

In one post though OP your husband:

  1. Has filmed you without consent (and doesn't see this as doing anything wrong)
  2. Apologized under duress like a child - big red flag that he normally doesn't apologize as he is always right and is used to his way been correct
  3. This is further shown by the fact its all what should I do and poor me act

I think you have been living with this for such a long time its hard for you too see why people are so appalled

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 12/08/2018 09:14

Just as another level of warning - there was a lady on here whose husband did the same, only a snippet from the film was used as an advert for a place that you actually upload these videos, by men. So she had to suffer the mental anguish knowing that many many men that are doing this to their wives, were spurred on by the snippet of video that her husband took.

Also - some say 'superdad', others say 'controlling cunt'. Just saying.

ResurrectedGoldfish · 12/08/2018 09:14

Would anybody understand if I said I don't want to divorce him?

I would completely understand why you would feel like this and certainly not blame you for it, but I do think you might be in shock and need to put this aside for a time in order to come to terms with what is actually an assault by someone who should be the person you could most rely on to defend you. We all enter into a marriage imagining that divorce is the absolute worst outcome, but unfortunately it’s not. What your husband has inflicted on you is way past ‘should we split up’ territory, he’s committed a very serious crime against you. If somebody that wasn’t married to you did this, would it be ok? If you found out some stranger had filmed you in your most vulnerable moments (and most likely shared it, probably more than once😢😢), would it be their reaction to you finding out that distressed you the most? I imagine not, they would have inflicted an assault on you. Why is it acceptable for your husband?
On the while camping trip, if you’re not comfortable with this creeper (I know he’s your husband, but what he’s done to you is just so bad, I feel so angry for you) taking your son away, you absolutely don’t have to let him. Just say no, it’s not a negotiation, he’s violated your person and your trust, it’s just so arrogant for him to even think that you should just bend over and let him take your child away from you. You get to dictate the terms of this, not him. I’m desperately trying to hold back from saying that he should be in some filthy hotel somewhere, terrified that the next knock on the door is the police sending him to jail for being a sex offender, not swanning around camping, using his child as a human shield 😡😡😡. I know that’s not helpful, but I really do think you’re in shock and at some point in the next few days the enormity of what he’s done to you is going to hit, and I don’t think your son should be with him when it does xxxxxxxx Flowers you’ve got quite a tough road ahead of you OP, thinking about you xxx

Permaexhaustion · 12/08/2018 09:14

What sort of line of work is DH in?

ResurrectedGoldfish · 12/08/2018 09:15

whole, not while

Iamoutragedetc · 12/08/2018 09:16

Police. This isn't the first time. You need to know what he has done with the other videos of you.

Ohyesiam · 12/08/2018 09:20

Yea, he’s acting like you’re crazy because he doesn’t think you or your feelings matter, they are an inconvenience to him.

MarklesMerkin · 12/08/2018 09:22

I've put up with a lot of shit in my relationships before but this would be a deal breaker for me. Absolutely no coming back from this one.

In your situation I would perhaps show him this thread so he can see just how fucking thankful he should be that you're not going to the police and divorcing him.

Jupiter9 · 12/08/2018 09:23

Does he normally take his phone to bed. Did he take a phone call half way through from an accomplish then start recording. Surprised you didn't confront him about the bright light when recording. Don't understand how anyone could be recording whilst making love. Are you sure he never had a friend in the wardrobe. Check his phone again to see who called him. Good luck.

Juells · 12/08/2018 09:23

He doesn't want to apologise because he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He's just pissed off that you found out.

As PP have said - this won't have been the first time, and I'd want to know if he's shared previous videos.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 12/08/2018 09:27

Notice also, OP, that his immediate action on being found is effectively to take your son away.

Inertia · 12/08/2018 09:27

It isn't hating your husband to point out that he has behaved criminally, and that he is now meting out emotional abuse to threaten and punish you. He is trying to make this your fault to frighten you enough that you don't go to the police.

You need to face up to the fact that this is probably the tip of the iceberg- it's unlikely that you caught him the first time. The video is probably already out there. This is a man who sees you not as a wife, not as a human with rights and bodily autonomy, but as a sex doll for his use, and he is quite at home with threatening you if you don't comply.

diddl · 12/08/2018 09:29

" Would anybody understand if I said I don't want to divorce him? "

Not really.

It's not just the filming-it's his nastiness on being caught doing something wrong.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 12/08/2018 09:38

I’m going to be hung gotvthus opinion I’m sure... but I don’t think the filming is as bad as it’s been made out here. I’m of the opinion that most blokes would want to do this... it’s a bit naughty, he thought you’d say no and he just wanted a video for himself.

Of course it’s compkrteky wrong and he needs to know that, but my mind wouldn’t be going towards reporting to the police and worrying that I was in a website etc. I think it’s entirely possible that he’s made a completely stupid mistake, and that’s as far as it goes.. that in itself would not cause me to think of permanently splitting up.

His lack of apology and remorse though would have me fuming. And then to tell you what was happening with your child would make it even worse. He should be overly apologetic right now and doing everything he can think of to make it better. He’s running scared because he knows he’s cocked up.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 09:39

it’s a bit naughty, he thought you’d say no and he just wanted a video for himself

You honestly can’t see what’s wrong with that sentence? Genuinely?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/08/2018 09:42

OP, there could be a much bigger picture. Do you have anyone you can confide in ? You're in a pretty lonely place right now, you have been violated, your trust has been broken. This isn't something you should allow to be brushed under the carpet. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 12/08/2018 09:42

it’s a bit naughty, he thought you’d say no and he just wanted a video for himself.

Titter titter - how norty of him.

jocarter67 · 12/08/2018 09:43

I totally understand why you don’t want to divorce him, if this isn’t a regular thing and he’s otherwise a good husband, then surely you can both work through this? I am not for one second condoning what he has done, I’m probably going to get seriously slated now but it could have been a lot worse. Have you asked him why he did it? If he has learned his lesson this time and never does anything like this again, then I honestly don’t think you should consider divorce, unless of course his behaviour is a regular thing and you just don’t have the love for him that you used to.

Inertia · 12/08/2018 09:45

If it were a one-off mistake that he was genuinely sorry about, he would be distraught and remorseful and trying to figure out how to rebuild trust and respect in his marriage. He isn't behaving like a man who made one mistake that he's horrified by, he's frightening his wife into compliance.