Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

[papercoversrock]

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

OP, I too would be waving them off with a sigh of relief and then get going big time! I would be getting everything together and getting legal advice first chance I got. By the time he gets home, things would be looking totally different I can tell you. No way would I allow him near me after that. It's way beyond normal to accept this behaviour and just move on. How could you ever trust him again?

How did he actually film it? Wouldn't he have had to prop the phone up somewhere you'd see it? Not at all blaming you, I just can't imagine the logistics

I'd be reporting it to the police. You have no idea if there are videos of you online. I'd wait until he was out too and take ds to your parents. He's a sexual offender and an abusive man.

Out the door with the locks changed.

So he had sex with you in circumstances without your consent.

He's now making it about his rights (camping trip).

He's not sorry.

So the next time you have sex, there won't be a camera filming, right? He won't do it, because he knows you don't want it.

Only he knew, because he didn't tell you.

So you'll keep an eye out for his phone. Or his laptop.

You'll feel better.

But how will you know that he's not got a concealed camera (available very cheap from Amazon)? At least part of this is you not knowing you're being filmed, whether it's for his kicks or someone else's.

So how can you ever, ever trust him? What good points are worth never truly knowing if your husband is violating your privacy and intimacy?

I'd also recommend talking to the police about it.

Red flag alert
Take the video to the police and ditch this disrespectful pervert. How do you know he hasn't done this before or worse still circulated it online? It's revolting and you putting up with this condones it.

This won't be the first time that he's done this op, probably won't be the last. He isn't acting as though he respects you very much.

Couple of questions. How did he manage to set the recording up without you noticing? When he left the room after you confronted him, could he have saved or Sent the video elsewhere?

I seriously doubt this was a once off.

Far from being sorry, he has gone on the attack. He is putting you in the place where he thinks you belong.

You should ask him to give you one reason why you should ever trust him enough to have sex with him again.

You should also report this to the police.

I agree with everything KataraJean said.

Filming you without consent and then claiming your reaction is over the top? I'd start re-evaluating the rest of his behaviour. We can all be nice at times. We all have good and bad points. But to me these bad points would tip heavily against him and I'd wonder what else he was up to.

I'd put reasonable money on that not being the first video of you. The defensive reaction and minimising is concerning. Be careful OP.

It's completely wrong what he has done and I agree with others. You obviously feel you need some perspective on this situation. You have keep a copy of the video for yourself. Have you watched it on your phone after deleting it off his? I am just trying wondering how angry you are and do you want advice on throwing away your marriage or accept he made a dreadful mistake. Good luck.

OP the likelihood this is the first time he's done this is unlikely.

I actually think get him out the house even with your son as you need to search for devices, seperate hard drives and hidden equipment in your bedroom.

Has he had anytime on his own to dismantle this?

Also think about the reasons for filming.

1. His own sexual gratification but that's unlikely he's filming it for self porn reasons.

1. Blackmail/revenge in the event you sit or you anger him.

1. He's exchanging videos with other 'like minded' people.

When he left the room for 5 minutes did he take his phone with him?

If you plan on staying together you need to have some serious counselling as a couple.

And, setting aside this appalling event, you refer OP to how he's not a particularly good dad when he is at home and not away with work.

In what way - can't be arsed? Doesn't really find it important to spend time with his son?

Or / also, does nothing around the house when he's back because all that's your responsibility??

Your post paints a picture of someone who puts his needs first, feels a higher right to do what he wants / doesn't do what he doesn't want to do and puts his wishes in relation to that above yours and above his son's. The filming you is just an extension of that already-existing mindset - what he wants is more important than your rights as a human being, as a woman, as a mother, as his partner, your rights are less than his (if he didn't think this he wouldn't have filmed you in secret). He thinks way more about himself and when tackled about it he turned nasty then fake apologetic then immediately started to use his son as a manipulation pawn to pretend to be a good dad, something he isn't the rest of the time, which was a deliberate act of control to put you back on your heels and stop you continuing your reaction to his vile violation of your deeply personal privacy. He's trying to sidle out of it and downplay the seriousness of it.

The criminal charge here if you wished to pursue it (or use it as a basis for telling him you are planning to report it if you want him out for a bit) would be voyeurism which can also carry 'invasion of privacy' offences if the place the filming took place was considered private such as a bedroom or toilet cubicle or changing rooms. The case would have to prove that the intent was that he did this for his own sexual gratification. Dependent on the judge/case, the perpetrator can be placed on the sex offenders register, fined or fined and given a custodial sentence of 2 years. The law takes this offence very seriously OP, you should too.

If he's shared it then it flags up for even more offences. If he has used or threatens to use them or does use them (ie share them) without your permission or as a means of control, that's an even further step into offending and a whole other range of sexual offences / criminal charges. The penalties go up as do the lengths of the custodial sentence imposed which can be as much as 5 years for example for revenge porn.

My ex did this OP.

I wish I had walked away when he did it as it was a massive red flag of things to come.

You have children. Are you sure he's not filming them for whatever dodgy purpose?

Knowing AIBU I'll wake up to a bunch of scholars telling me I'm evil

Oh love, this is so sad You know that everyone here (scholar or not) who is telling you that this man is an abuser, is right. But you're not ready to face up to that, so it looks like you're going to transfer your feelings of anger, disappointment, betrayal etc., onto randoms on the internet who are making you uncomfortbly close to seeing your OH as he is, rather than as you would like him to be.

There is no point being angry with articulate women on the internet. They're not the ones who have betrayed your trust and shown themselves to have absolute contempt for you. Your husband is.

The advice of the poster to let him go on the camping trip while you stay at home and investigate all the other gadgets he's got (don't let him take them with him) and then when they get back, go away with your DS, seems quite a good compromise. That way you get your time away from him.

As to the posters saying "he's his son too" - well, yeah. Great role model, isn't he. With fathers like this, the next generation of men are going to wonderful.

Police.

No hesitation.

A man that can do this at all will be sharing this video.

By now hundreds of people may have viewed this video.

In the 5 minutes that he left and before he deleted that video I would be very surprised if he didn't forward it onto an email account you aren't aware of. Sorry.

Just to state OP if you want a bit more proof of the videos before going to the police if you take any devices to a computer shop and expert can very quickly give you the uploading information. Unless your husband is a hacking savant I doubt he's covered his tracks well.

You could find a store outside of your town if it made you feel more comfortable.

If you found the video on his phone or laptop, check his youtube accounts on the device. If he has one, then you can find it by auto uploading something to it. You can set youtube video settings to private or unlisted, so only you or invited people can view them - ie if you were to do a search from another device you wouldn't see them if they had those settings applied.

Although he would probably have deleted them by now if he had uploaded previous films.

I think the big question is WHY did he film you? You don't seem to have asked him this.

With an abundance of free Porn on-line, I highly doubt he'd choose to wank over a video of himself (does anyone really want to see themselves making sex faces?)

Which means, there really is only one other reason : to share the video's on-line, with like minded men.

And, I doubt you found the first video he made. What are the chances? It must be a huge and scary thing, to film your spouse, without their consent, for the first time...would you choose to do this in someone else's house? Nah. No chance.

You need to do alot of digging.

And I agree with PP, you are not compromising, regarding his weeks camping with your son, versus you going to your parents....he has got everything his way, and you have nothing you wanted. Despite you being the wronged party. You've just spent several days with his family, and yet he can't let you go to see yours for 2 days. He is a master manipulator, and sadly, I fear that you are so conditioned to this, you can't even see it.

Please screenshot the advice from Annieanonimoose, KataraJean and DoinItForTheKids.Then read them over and over again until they sink in. It is not just me with whom their words resonate.

I disagree that you should allow him to take your son. If you want to save your marriage, he has to learn that he can’t be in control any longer. Even less when he is so utterly, contemptibly in the wrong. As pps have indicated, it’s not because he has suddenly found a new vocation as super dad. It’s to reassert control and to put you back on the back foot. You then start to doubt yourself and your own reactions.

When you look back, you will realise that he has been doing this throughout your marriage: putting you off kilter so you start to question your own judgement, your own sense of reality.

Please, please don’t go to couples counselling. A man like this will either manipulate proceedings. He will either act contrite to get through the process and then revert back; try to manipulate the counsellor to put himself in a good light and paint you as the villain; or, refuse to engage if it’s going against him and say the counsellor is useless.

You need to have individual counselling, so that you start to rediscover (discover?) your boundaries and your own sense of reality. So you can learn strategies of how to deal with this man. You need a counsellor who is both empathic and tough.

Good luck OP

*not either manipulate, just manipulate.