This wasn't flirting... help I need some perspective

[peoniepants]

I’m at my wits end and feeling desperate.

My husband is acting like a right fucker towards me.

I need some perspective.

Whole family at family themed place yesterday - families there and my husband too. My daughter starts playing with a younger child. I got chatting to the Dad whilst they were playing. He was nice enough - but not attractive and not my type, just a nice bloke. I didn’t fancy him and was chatting to him whilst waiting for my daughter to finish playing with his kid.

My husband is in the vicinity but doesn’t come over. Afterwards he kicks off. Apparently he was listening to our conversation out of sight and I was flirting and acting like a whore (which is bollocks! I know myself!). Also he says I was talking to this guy for far too long. He has massively overreacted and stormed out this morning for the whole day leaving me with no car and two kids upset and worrying where daddy is. I’ve just tried to talk to him again but he has got it fixed in his head that I was flirting and disrespecting him by doing it right in front of him. I won’t back down. I’m not going to ‘admit’ to something I haven’t done.

He’s really angry and has escalated massively and he has thrown my out of the bedroom (for 2 nights now) , acting like a man child and the kids know something is very wrong. He has form with doing this kind of shit.

I’ve told him that the kids are upset and we need to discuss it rationally but he doesn’t seem to care about that. Says he’s going out all day tomorrow as well.

I am so tired of his behaviour. He does this every time I ‘upset’ him. It’s so frustrating.

Also it’s my sons birthday next week and I already think he’s going to ruin it but either being in a huge mood or just storming off for the day. I don’t think I could forgive that.

Such a fucking child.

I could cry for the kids right now. They don't deserve this shit.

Well, experience tells me that when they do this it’s because they’re actually cheating or at the very least, flirting, with someone else themselves.

Regardless, he has kicked you out of your bedroom for speaking to a man. Do you really need to be in a relationship with him?

What Sister says rings true.

Either way, so sorry you are going through this. Don’t let him tell you what you were doing; you know your own mind. He sounds vile to you.

Hi thanks both 😊 I've heard that before but don't really understand how if they are cheating/flirting they can accuse their partner of doing the same (especially as I wasn't!)!!!!!! Why do they do that? Xx

He sounds very insecure but I also agree with PP, if he views this as flirting then he's probably guilty of that behaviour himself.
Is he normally the jealous type?

I think it's a subconscious attempt to justify their own behaviour.
I had an ex that constantly accused me of flirting with other men. I wasn't. I even stopped wearing skirts to work and used to put lipstick on in the car but that's another story... I ended it when I found out he'd propositioned another girl on a night out. He slipped up as it was one of my sister's friends. God knows how many times that had happened behind my back though...

He is very jealous and insecure. I'm kicking myself now. Should have realised that normal chatting would be taken the wrong way!! I'm so fed up.

The atmosphere in the house is awful. The kids keep asking me if we are getting divorced. Poor things. They are very upset. I just want what's best for them.

Ask yourself: do you want to live like this? Being punished for imagined crimes?

I couldn’t be with a man like this. His behaviour is abusive and no one deserves to be treated like this. Why are you with him when he treats you so badly?

Some of it will be paranoia and his attempts to deflect your attention from his behaviour. If you’re panicked about him thinking you’re flirting/cheating then you won’t have time to be watching his behaviour. You’ll be too busy arguing/trying to convince him you haven’t cheated.

Another part is applying his standards of behaviour to everyone else. If he is cheating it makes it easier for him to live with himself if he tells himself everyone else is cheating, even you. If/when you catch him out he’ll throw this “flirting” of yours back in your face as proof you were cheating. He may even use it as his reason for cheating.

Yes chocauvin. That's exactly what I'm thinking. But he completely believes he is right and I that I know what I did and I am just trying to wriggle out of it. Unbelievable!

I honestly don't know what to do.

It's absolutely not your fault!! You shouldn't have to worry about chatting to other men! I enjoy talking to other men, often more than women and I know DH enjoys talking to women too. Neither of us feel threatened by it because it's harmless.

What’s best for the children is not to have a daddy who treats their mother appallingly. What is he teaching them with this behaviour?

He's been verbally aggressive tonight. Using really sexually aggressive and explicit words in our argument. He's so so angry with me.

Does he often sabotage special days that you are looking forward to? It's no way to live. My mother was really horribly vindictive and would pull all kinds of stunts. She wasn't having an affair, she just wasn't/isn't a particularly nice person. Angry at the world and had to take it out on us.

But not in front of the kids. Once they were asleep.

Frayedhem he does do this. A lot! Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, special occasions with the kids. Often spoils them by being in a mood/causing a horrible atmosphere. What is that? Why!

I'm feeling very isolated and lonely. Dreading tomorrow and more questions from upset children.

OP, decent, good men do not behave anything like this. He sounds awful. In this situation, with young DC, I wouldn't stay another day.

You and your children deserve better. Please don't let them grow up thinking this is normal.

Good luck

There’s only one thing you can do peoniepants... get your finances in order and LTB. He’s abusive and he won’t change, he doesn’t want to.

🌸🌸🌸🌸

Does he make you feel special, but then puts you down?

^what they all said.

But just to step aside from all that (which I do agree with, by the way).

This all came about because you were watching your kids.

Why was it you were doing this? Why wasn't he?

Perhaps this whole argument could be resolved if he stepped up. Perhaps you could suggest this for next time.

Remind him, also maybe to put the children first.

Why are you with him? You keep asking why he’s doing this .. when it’s entirely irrelevant why he’s doing it!

Think of your kids and put them first! Not the man child

Summer1991 it follows a pattern where he is lovely and we get on so well and we are really happy and then out of the blue he will have one of these episodes which start by him not talking to me, causing an atmosphere, ignoring me, a massive row, he storms out for 24 hours and then comes home and ignores me even when I try and talk to him. It resolves either because I give in and apologise (often I don't believe it and just say it to stop the awfulness for the kids) or sometimes he'll realise he was out of order.

It's always triggered by his insecurity and either by something I've done or not done to upset him. I'm often completely baffled by it and have no clue what he means!!