This wasn't flirting... help I need some perspective

[peoniepants]

I’m at my wits end and feeling desperate.

My husband is acting like a right fucker towards me.

I need some perspective.

Whole family at family themed place yesterday - families there and my husband too. My daughter starts playing with a younger child. I got chatting to the Dad whilst they were playing. He was nice enough - but not attractive and not my type, just a nice bloke. I didn’t fancy him and was chatting to him whilst waiting for my daughter to finish playing with his kid.

My husband is in the vicinity but doesn’t come over. Afterwards he kicks off. Apparently he was listening to our conversation out of sight and I was flirting and acting like a whore (which is bollocks! I know myself!). Also he says I was talking to this guy for far too long. He has massively overreacted and stormed out this morning for the whole day leaving me with no car and two kids upset and worrying where daddy is. I’ve just tried to talk to him again but he has got it fixed in his head that I was flirting and disrespecting him by doing it right in front of him. I won’t back down. I’m not going to ‘admit’ to something I haven’t done.

He’s really angry and has escalated massively and he has thrown my out of the bedroom (for 2 nights now) , acting like a man child and the kids know something is very wrong. He has form with doing this kind of shit.

I’ve told him that the kids are upset and we need to discuss it rationally but he doesn’t seem to care about that. Says he’s going out all day tomorrow as well.

I am so tired of his behaviour. He does this every time I ‘upset’ him. It’s so frustrating.

Also it’s my sons birthday next week and I already think he’s going to ruin it but either being in a huge mood or just storming off for the day. I don’t think I could forgive that.

Such a fucking child.

Ugh. I'm sorry you are with such a repulsive man...what are you going to do about it? He isn't respectful at all, do not back down you have done nothing wrong. If he doesn't trust you why is he with you? Don't let anybody control you!!
I hope you can find the strength to realise you deserve a more peaceful life and your children deserve not to feel as anxious as this.

OP if you are not getting your ducks in order to leave him (which includes getting a job if you don't work out of the family/home right now), then I'd highly recommend counselling to look at why this behaviour is acceptable to you (because it is acceptable to you, you're accepting it by staying).

And/Or reading the Lundy book.

Children are not harmed more by divorce than by behaviour like this. In fact you may well find they're happier when they're not waiting for his explosions and see their mother more relaxed.

And I was abused as a child. I don't use it - or would want anybody else - to excuse any bad behaviour by me. Then we'd be saying it's ok if a husband beats his wife because he sad his dad beat his mum. That's the excuse you're using giving him.

You don't deserve his behaviour. Neither do your children. He should, were he taking responsibility for his actions, remove himself from the family home until he sorted himself out. Instead he's blaming you. This will absolutely not change overnight.

You are teaching your children it's ok to put up with this shit..!

Stop it.. you know it's not normal, and you know it's not healthy...

I can totally sympathise. I was in a similar relationship for a really long time. It would be great a lot of the time, but periodically, usually every couple of years, I would 'step out of line' and all hell would break loose.

I'd be accused of flirting or talking to some bloke too long. He would constantly check my phone, always need to know who I was texting with or who I'd talked to in work. He didn't forbid me going out with friends but if I had my hair done or shaved my legs he would ask me who I was getting tatted up for, so it just became easier not to go out.

I stayed for over twenty years but in the end I couldn't take it any longer. We were at a family party and my niece was in a group photo with some male friends, one of them had his arm around her. Her boyfriend wasn't there and she asked us to delete the photo as he would kick off. We all stood there and told her that was ridiculous and my other half agreed. I stood there thinking I would have done the exact same thing as he would've kicked off too, and that was a lightbulb moment for me. It took me another 6 months to actually find the courage to end it but I did it and I'm so glad I did.

I'm now married to an amazing man, who doesn't mind if I have male friends, doesn't mind if I text my male work colleagues while I'm sat next to him, doesn't mind if I want to have a girls night out, doesn't mind if I want to wear a top that shows a little cleavage. After all these years I can actually relax and it's fantastic.

I know it seems that you can't do right here, but don't let your kids think this is an acceptable way to behave in a relationship. They will be upset in the short term but I'd bet that once they are no longer having to witness his moods and be worrying about what will happen, they will be much calmer and happier as a result.

Wishing you good luck in working your way through this x

Honestly I would assum3 his behaviour is due to him cheating or an insecurity. Tbh I also see his behaviour as a form of bullying to you, I remember when my step dad used to treat my mum like this and he would stop speaking to her, as a child it felt horrible and I felt scared to talk to him as I was unsure if he was angry at me too. Your husband doesn't sound like a nice man and personally I would leave him.

As the saying goes 'Never marry a man who hates his mother, because he'll end up hating you'

Seriously who cares if he is cheating? That’s the least of the OP’s problems here. And I think it’s a myth that a cheater behaves like this to cover their own guilt. He’s just an abusive bastard.

This is abuse. I had a relationship with someone like this and he turned violent. This is close to violence. Leave him, please.

Morning. Thanks for all your advice. I know I need to get the kids away and protect them.

There are some practical stumbling blocks. Both of my parents died a long time ago otherwise I'd be with them now. We have recently moved to a cheaper area away from all my friends and I don't know anyone here. The kids are starting new schools soon which I'm worrying about. I've not got any money. So I can't leave immediately- I need to plan it. How do I protect the kids in the meantime?

Also he has the car key so there's no way I can take the kids out away from him today.

I hate him.

This is no way to live, he sounds awful....I certainly couldn't live with a man who treated me like your dh does.
I'd be looking at getting him out of my life and moving on with the dcs
His behaviour is emotionally abusive

OP you are in an abusive relationship and you need to end it.
In healthy relationships you can chat to another parent without being called a whore. You and your children deserve better.

Where is he when he storms out for 24 hours? My ex H used to do this and it was always because he was bored and restless and wanted an excuse to go out drinking followed by cheating.

Please leave him he sounds hateful and he will destroy you.

I was accused by my ex of having an affair, which I wasn't. He was convinced that I was.

In order to try and persuade me to confess he told me it was OK if I had, because he'd slept with someone else earlier in our relationship. Which he thought was OK, because I had asked him if something had gone on, he said no and I'd believed him. So he convinced himself I knew and had forgiven him.

I wouldn't be putting up with those accusations. Whether he has done something or not. If he doesn't trust you then what's the point?

I had a lightbulb moment when a counsellor told me that I couldn’t change the way a person behaved but I could change the way I reacted to it.
So no trying to understand and make excuses for him, no trying to justify yourself.

Seek help via womens aid. In the meantime 'grey rock'. No more apologising. Simply refuse to grovel any longer.

You know you need to rid yourself and your DC of this abuser. You and they will be massively damaged living like this.

Do you own your house or rent? If own you are likely to get half or more in a divorce (are you married?) and benefits. Court may even say you can live there until the DC are 18. If you rent can you afford the rent on benefits? Can you afford to move back to where you have friends? I was petrified of leaving my abusive exH because of not working and having no money (he left eventually) but it was actually ok. In fact in my instance I was better off because I wasn't allowed money. Spend today on the internet researching benefits and local solicitors etc. If you rent contact your landlord in confidence and see if you can take over the tenancy. Good luck!

Duck in a row time. Good luck op, you and your kids deserve better than that.

Stop letting him do this to you and your children!

Shit.

So he's moved you away from your friends, taken the car key, left you penniless, totally isolated you and emotionally abused you constantly.

This is so much worse than him accusing you of flirting.

You need to get out. Your setting the scene for what's 'normal' to your children.
If you do not want a son who thinks it's appropriate to abuse their partner or a daughter or thinks it's normal to be abused, then you need to show them what's no acceptable. And now.

And I call absolute bullshit on the fact that his mum was a flirt.
I'd bet my bottom dollar that she was as abused as you are, and your husbands father is as much of a cunt as your husband is.

Get out. You need to get out.

Call Womens Aid, at the very very least.

He’s abusive. You need to leave him for your children’s sake as much as your own. They will suffer growing up in that atmosphere.

Go out with the kids, on foot and have a nice time

"Ducks in a row time"
Literally the most useless and pointless post I've seen today.

You are now isolated and financially dependant on this man. You need to start making plans to get away. Do you work? If not can you get a job and start putting money aside?

My XH was like that. Every man I spoke to was trying to get into my knickers and I was going to let him. Every man. My hairdresser, the postman, the builders who worked on our house, a colleague who gave me a lift home from work. He went shouty crackers when I arrived back from a work trip and mentioned that I had sat next to a pilot on the plane. Not the pilot, just a pilot who was on his way home. XH went beserk, said that I was stupid for not seeing that this guy was just some random who was pretending to be a pilot so he could get off with me. Exhausting.

Of course it escalates- it has to. Whether you leave now or later is up to you, but eventually you will leave because you can't stay.

You are definitely in an abusive relationship OP and need to get away from this man for your sake but moreso for your children. Do you work? Could you be financially independent? Start putting money to one side. Do you have other family or friends you could go to? Women’s aid may have some good advice.