This wasn't flirting... help I need some perspective

[peoniepants]

I’m at my wits end and feeling desperate.

My husband is acting like a right fucker towards me.

I need some perspective.

Whole family at family themed place yesterday - families there and my husband too. My daughter starts playing with a younger child. I got chatting to the Dad whilst they were playing. He was nice enough - but not attractive and not my type, just a nice bloke. I didn’t fancy him and was chatting to him whilst waiting for my daughter to finish playing with his kid.

My husband is in the vicinity but doesn’t come over. Afterwards he kicks off. Apparently he was listening to our conversation out of sight and I was flirting and acting like a whore (which is bollocks! I know myself!). Also he says I was talking to this guy for far too long. He has massively overreacted and stormed out this morning for the whole day leaving me with no car and two kids upset and worrying where daddy is. I’ve just tried to talk to him again but he has got it fixed in his head that I was flirting and disrespecting him by doing it right in front of him. I won’t back down. I’m not going to ‘admit’ to something I haven’t done.

He’s really angry and has escalated massively and he has thrown my out of the bedroom (for 2 nights now) , acting like a man child and the kids know something is very wrong. He has form with doing this kind of shit.

I’ve told him that the kids are upset and we need to discuss it rationally but he doesn’t seem to care about that. Says he’s going out all day tomorrow as well.

I am so tired of his behaviour. He does this every time I ‘upset’ him. It’s so frustrating.

Also it’s my sons birthday next week and I already think he’s going to ruin it but either being in a huge mood or just storming off for the day. I don’t think I could forgive that.

Such a fucking child.

I’m so sorry OP

But he’s an emotional abusive fucker! How dare he dictate to you all and have you all walking on eggshells because he’s acting like an overgrown toddler?!

This is no way to live and this is not a normal relationship. The kids will be affected by this. You need to get out as soon as you feel able.

Good luck to you.

Please get this moved to Relationships where there are many wise and experienced voices. Google Women's Aid for immediate practical advice.

He sounds awful but if you are not in immediate danger can you start to make a plan? Organise finances, etc?

Good luck.

Look up grey rock techniques. Very basically every time he goes at you and demands you justify yourself or apologise, you interact as little as humanly possible and refuse to give him the oxygen to fuel his argument.
Get in touch with Women's Aid. Go to your local CAB. Get as much advice as you can. Technically you have nothing now so do you really have anything to lose?
Do you have any contacts in your old area for jobs etc?
The kids will settle quickly with a more stable environment at home without having the added pressure of trying to manage their father's moods ( yes they will have been trying to do this, after seeing you try).

Aww, OP. This isn’t normal or acceptable behaviour. He’s an abuser. Throwing you out of your room, punishing you for imaginary infractions, frightening the kids and not caring - these are all the actions of an abusive man. I don’t throw LTB around easily, but I really think you would be happier without him.

I agree that he's controlling and abusive, I feel worried for you OP. Do you have support locally?

He's abusive and jealous. Blaming it all on his past does not make his behaviour now ok. Call womens aid and get yourself out of this marriage as soon as you can safely do so.

I've tried ignoring him it just makes him worse. He gets angrier and doesn't care if the kids hear him. That's the edge he has over me. He knows I want to protect them and don't want them to hear us arguing but it doesn't stop him. If I ignore him he starts screaming insults at me (not in front of the kids) - that I'm cruel and a bitch and selfish and self centred. He actually said last night that I'm always hurting him and he can't take me hurting him anymore and that he will leave me. I'm really at a loss because I don't know what I've done. It's all in his head.

Others have given wise words, so I'll just send you a handhold lass.

What kind of counsellor should I try and see? A marriage guidance person or someone else xx

Reading through your posts he is so abusive and got you so downtrodden I could cry for you.

Women's Aid can help you figure out a safe plan to leave and how to remain safe in the meantime: 0808 2000 247.

Do not tip him off. Do not tell him what you're planning. Do not warn him.

Freedom Programme can help you wrap your head around all that's gone on, all of his treatment, and how it's affected you and the children - as well as help to set you up for the future so you can break this cycle. It gave me back hope when I was planning to leave.

If you ever, ever feel in any danger whatsoever or that things are escalating out of control - call the police. Don't wait for it to become desperate first. If you're afraid it's far better to call them before he does anything or so that they can intervene to stop him, than to wait until he has done something terrible.

Things are tough when you first leave, but they get so much better than they will ever be if you had stayed. Take all the support that is there for you from WA, FP and other organisations. Talk to your GP, get counselling for yourself, for the kids if they need it.

When he threatens to leave, the correct response is FUCKITY BYE THEN! "

He is abusive, and potentially dangerous, and you're wise to start thinking about your escape. Please contact Women's And to get some practical advice.

I'm really at a loss because I don't know what I've done. It's all in his head.

You can't understand it, because the only thing you've done is not bow to his absolute control. He gets more "angry" when you ignore him because ignoring him means you're not obeying him. If you accept what he's saying and go along with it, apologising etc, does he settle? I hated it, and it is horrible I know, but that's what I ended up having to do while I was preparing to leave. It was the only way to keep things safe.

You haven't done anything wrong here. This is just how abuse works. If you go on the Freedom Programme it will really help you to understand this and give you some peace so you can put all these questions to rest.

In terms of a counsellor you want somebody with experience in the dynamics of abuse, and preferably also experienced with trauma. It may be easier to look for a trauma therapist and then drill down to find one with expertise in working with people who've been through abuse. A clinical psychologist may be more likely to have that skill set, though other professionals will too.

I wouldn't be particularly inclined to look at a relationship counsellor even individually as they don't seem to have the best grounding in abuse tbh. I think the bigger issue for you will be unravelling the trauma and conditioning from his abuse, rather than "relational issues". It hasn't been that you've lacked relationship skills or whatever, it's been that he chose to abuse you.

Women's Aid can sometimes offer this kind of counselling.

Do not go to counselling with this man.

You are in a text book abusive relationship - he has worn you down, he upsets your kids, he's moved you away from your friends & support network, you don't have access to the car or money.

Contact women's aid and get advice on how to make an escape plan.

No expert but I would say he needs individual and marriage counselling, if you were to stay.

Can you make a picnic and go out with the kids for the full day, stay out as long as you can. Some forced time alone, not of his choosing today might give you all some head space.

I was coming on to say what @Ryder63 said:
In the meantime 'grey rock'. No more apologising. Simply refuse to grovel any longer.

Take up that new room and get comfy. STOP EXPLAINING to him. Sorry i had to say it loudly because you're expecting him to think rationally when he won't. STOP explaining, stop asking, stop talking about the kids. Ignore him. Don't ask him about dinner, don't ask when he'll be back. If he asks about general things, give him short answers without looking at him. If he ask about the 'incident', just say 'I've told you before and I'm not talking about that anymore'. Dont engage.

As for the kids, just tell them daddy wants to go out a lot. Focus on them and do what you'd normally do on a happy day without him.

I'm In the meantime, start putting your affairs in order as you may be leaving him soon. Do you work @peoniepants? How old are the kids?

This was my husband and i wish I knew this those many years ago. As PP have said, he's probably also having an affair as well as him abusing you.

You say he is going out today? that’s perfect! call a locksmith while he is out and change the locks.

You really need to call woman’s aid and tell them everything you have told us. Don’t minimise what’s going on and ask them what you should do. They will have suggestions to help get you out of this situation.

Honestly this will be having a huge effect on your children. They can’t protect themselves from this awful atmosphere at home so it’s down to you to protect them and make their home a safe, happy and healthy environment. The amount of issues that your children will be developing all the time you allow this to continue will be HUGE! It’s not fair to put your children through this.

Counselling?!
No bloody way, that isn't the way to go.

Did you read the advice to call Womens Aid OP?
When do you plan to call them?

The hardest thing sometimes is realising we don’t have to fix damaged men. We are so socialised to the caring role as women, as soon as a man has some sort of explanation/background for his behaviour we accept it as our role to heal, fix and understand.

Step back. He’s an adult. Whatever went on in his background is his responsibility to sort out now. Don’t allow yourself to think he’s different to any other abuser because of his past -they all have a past. In fact, shock news, everyone has a past...the majority of people don’t use it as a life long excuse for bad behaviour. Think about how you, and most people you know, stepped up to your responsibilities as a parent, rising above this and other kinds of behaviours. He didn’t, and he won’t. It’s all about him.

Time to get yourself and your children away from him.

You might want to speak to women’s aid and then the police. Women’s Aid will help you identify all the patterns of behaviour you have been living with, to understand if this fits “coercive control”. A chat with community officers about this, armed with info from Women’s Aid might help you get him out. He is currently not allowing you to sleep in your own bed, it’s a good time to strike.

You are the only one trying to make things better, you are the only one taking full responsibility for something that is not yours to take and you are the only one who cannot see that his behaviour is abusive.

I had a fiancé like your dh eventually his strops and anger resulted in me being dragged downstairs and kicked until he had broken 3 of my ribs.

Take a good look at your relationship, as an adult you get to speak for you and you are responsible for you, you don't need to answer to him at all.

It is probably that he learned this behaviour from his own parents when he was young. His father probably behaved to his mother in the same way as he is doing now. Maybe his mother's only way out was to leave without him and he then was subject to parental alienation by his father. All this not letting you sleep in your own bed seems to point that way.

In that case, he is barking up the wrong tree about his mother being flirty and abandoning him being the cause of his problems, so counselling is not going to help him.

Also, what does he do for 24hr? Does kicking off enable him to go off on his own and do something he would rather do? Whilst you are stuck at home looking after the children (and unable to flirt because you can't get anywhere?)

If he escalates, remove yourself from the situation to another room or if he's purposely upsetting the kids take them out. If he enters a room and there's an atmosphere leave. Stay in another room. The second he starts becoming more aggressive phone the police.
You do need to leave and yes leaving is the most dangerous time because they see their control slipping. However you cannot let that deter you as you and your children will be better off psychologically in the long run. Do make sure you take steps to protect yourself and them. Do not hesitate to use all resources at your disposal. Do not try to minimise to save face or out of embarrassment or to try to spare the children. If things are that bad you worry for them, they shouldn't be there to start with.

As soon as I 'give in' and apologise and he sees me break down - if he feels like he pushed me to breaking and feels like he has won then things are ok. I can hear him stomping about in the garage. He's mad because I'm not doing that (at the moment).

We moved for a better quality of life - to reduce stress and pressure and expense - and he's ruining it all.

He's like a Jekyll and Hyde - feel like I don't know the real him.

I'm fully aware that he is choosing to behave this way.

He's punishing me and attention seeking all at the same time.

I'm so tired and don't have the emotional strength to deal with this today.

His father treated his mother very badly and after several years of similar behaviour - she left him.

He sounds like an abusive arse.
I felt stressed just reading your post.