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Original poster

This wasn't flirting... help I need some perspective

528 replies

peoniepants · 12/08/2018 01:39

I’m at my wits end and feeling desperate.

My husband is acting like a right fucker towards me.

I need some perspective.

Whole family at family themed place yesterday - families there and my husband too. My daughter starts playing with a younger child. I got chatting to the Dad whilst they were playing. He was nice enough - but not attractive and not my type, just a nice bloke. I didn’t fancy him and was chatting to him whilst waiting for my daughter to finish playing with his kid.

My husband is in the vicinity but doesn’t come over. Afterwards he kicks off. Apparently he was listening to our conversation out of sight and I was flirting and acting like a whore (which is bollocks! I know myself!). Also he says I was talking to this guy for far too long. He has massively overreacted and stormed out this morning for the whole day leaving me with no car and two kids upset and worrying where daddy is. I’ve just tried to talk to him again but he has got it fixed in his head that I was flirting and disrespecting him by doing it right in front of him. I won’t back down. I’m not going to ‘admit’ to something I haven’t done.

He’s really angry and has escalated massively and he has thrown my out of the bedroom (for 2 nights now) , acting like a man child and the kids know something is very wrong. He has form with doing this kind of shit.

I’ve told him that the kids are upset and we need to discuss it rationally but he doesn’t seem to care about that. Says he’s going out all day tomorrow as well.

I am so tired of his behaviour. He does this every time I ‘upset’ him. It’s so frustrating.

Also it’s my sons birthday next week and I already think he’s going to ruin it but either being in a huge mood or just storming off for the day. I don’t think I could forgive that.

Such a fucking child.

OP posts:
Original poster
peoniepants · 12/08/2018 09:36

Our friends and family only ever see his charming, funny and lovely side. They would be shocked by this side to him and probably wouldn't believe he was capable of it. I don't think I can tell anyone I'm so embarrassed and ashamed. Will call women's aid as soon as he goes out though.

Thanks for all your support and advice. X

OP posts:
WhatAnAbsolutePenis · 12/08/2018 09:36

See?

And your son will do the same to his wife unless you break the cycle.

When are you calling Womens Aid?

WhatAnAbsolutePenis · 12/08/2018 09:37

X posted.

Bloody good for you.
You can do this!!!!

bullyingadvice2017 · 12/08/2018 09:39

Get yourself and your kids out of there. This is not a way to live. He is abusive and they will learn this.

Original poster
peoniepants · 12/08/2018 09:47

It's my sons birthday this week. He'll be 10. How am I going to make it a nice birthday if his dad is causing mayhem and misery. I really don't know what to do for him poor little lad.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/08/2018 09:52

His father treated his mother very badly and after several years of similar behaviour - she left him.

Decent chance your son will one day behave to his wife the same as well. If you have a daughter then she is statistically pretty likely to find herself an abuser.

Children learn how relationships “work” from their parents.

deepsea · 12/08/2018 09:54

You can draw a line, ask him to leave for a trial separation and then you will have time to think about whether this relationship will ever work. I couldn't live with a man who behaved like this.

UpstartCrow · 12/08/2018 09:55

peoniepants
Protect yourself and your children and leave.
Let your husband do counselling.
Then see if it still works between you.

Contact Women's Aid and ask for help, your DP is abusive.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/08/2018 09:56

How am I going to make it a nice birthday if his dad is causing mayhem and misery. I really don't know what to do for him poor little lad.

As cliched as this must sound the very best birthday gift you can ever give to your son is breaking this cycle of abuse. Give him the gift of a childhood without a controlling, abusive Father. Give him the gift of a strong, self-loving Mother.

The examples you're setting now can last a lifetime for your DC. Call WA as soon as you safely can, and start working out how you can begin again. Flowers

SpiritedLondon · 12/08/2018 09:57

The best present you can give your child is to remove yourself from this abusive relationship. The children must be walking on eggshells - how miserable. I would suggest having this moved to relationships because I know there will be lots of practical advice available there. Good luck OP stay strong.

RandomMess · 12/08/2018 10:02

I would look at moving back into rented if you need be!

Book several free half hour solicitor appointments get a feel for one that understands that he is abusive and will work for you. You need to read up and have a list of what to ask.

I agree the best birthday gift will be no longer living in an abusive toxic atmosphere Thanks

arranfan · 12/08/2018 10:02

I second everyone who's suggested Women's Aid.

Also, it might be helpful to read the Mumsnet discussion about Bancroft's Abuser profiles.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Juells · 12/08/2018 10:03

HRTFT but it sounds like he's looking for an excuse to have time alone, unaccounted for. I'd be wondering why he's engineered a fight over nothing, so he can storm off for a whole day and you don't know where he'll be or who he's meeting.

Beamur · 12/08/2018 10:04

Don't feel embarrassed to talk to people about this, you've nothing to be ashamed of.

Grammar · 12/08/2018 10:10

Has he ever physically abused you? Because that will be the next step. He will up the ante. Are you frightened of him?
I'm not sure about the Grey Rock approach. He could become more menacing.
In the meantime, I would be planning your flight from him. Quietly.
As another PP said, I could cry for you and your children. You sound so lost. You also sound strong and insightful. Use this strength to flee.
And I agree with another PP when he/ she suggested you talk to your children about how this is making them feel. They need acknowledgement of what they are seeing but cannot understand.
Keep it simple, try not to paint him as the bad guy, otherwise he will have more ammunition against you. Point out that Daddy needs some time alone to work out his feelings and that he needs to do this for a while without you and them.

Grammar · 12/08/2018 10:11

Yes, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You are strong!

RageAgainstTheTagine · 12/08/2018 10:11

Holy shit. You are living in a waking nightmare.

Can I put out the idea of fake-apologising, just to get this twat to move into a 'good' zone for a while; you sort out the kids birthday, then you see a solicitor. You need to get him out of your lives.
Xxxx

Guienne · 12/08/2018 10:20

Don't be embarrassed or ashamed, none of this is your fault. What would happened if you calmly told him exactly what your conversation was, and suggested that he needs to calm down and stop ruining everyone's weekend?

hendricksy · 12/08/2018 10:22

I had a boyfriend like this when I was a teen . Jeez I fancied him and we had a great physical relationship but he was so paranoid and controlling . He would call me at work and accuse me of chatting people up and flirting etc and I couldn't wear this or that ...
I was lucky enough to realise it was wrong and binned him . I'm so so glad my dh isn nothing like this , I imagine life would be hell had I married him

astoundedgoat · 12/08/2018 10:23

The next step is going to be physical abuse. He is already verbally and emotionally abusing you. He will sulk and shout and wear you down until you apologise for your "slutty behaviour" and admit to being a "whore". The next phase is beating you until you apologise and admit that you were hitting on the guy at the checkout in Tesco.

There is no counselling for this. There is only leaving. Your son is watching this and learning that this is how adult relationships work.

Please leave this abuser. Your job is NOT to fix him, your job is to protect your children from him at all costs. If you're worried about them starting a new school in September, then leave BEFORE September.

Talk to Women's Aid with the express purpose of getting out now before he levels up.

astoundedgoat · 12/08/2018 10:24

How am I going to make it a nice birthday if his dad is causing mayhem and misery. I really don't know what to do for him poor little lad.

Give him a safe and happy home. Leave your abuser.

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 12/08/2018 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluerunningshoes · 12/08/2018 10:26

He is very jealous and insecure. I'm kicking myself now. Should have realised that normal chatting would be taken the wrong way!! I'm so fed up.

you should be fed up with him the bastard
you are walking on eggshells because he is abusive.

you cannot change his behaviour, only his reaction to it.

what you did, friendly chat to another person is absolutely normal.

Grammar · 12/08/2018 10:30

Where is he now OP?
Have you called Women's Aid? Are you in a safe place to be able to do that?

MyOtherProfile · 12/08/2018 10:33

Thinking of you OP and hoping you have managed to make the call.

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