To think the best advice I can give my daughter is don’t have any children?

[WaitingForSunday17]

Because it is completely soul destroying and the negatives massively outweigh any positives?
I have a son too. I don’t think it’s so bad for men. I wouldn’t be so sad for him if he ended up having children. But I think for women it ruins your life and the happiest people I know - and I think some study confirmed this - are those that are child free by choice? Completely different if you want them and can’t have them I realise.

It sounds as though there's a fair age gap between your DCs OP. How old were you when you had your DS?

@BackinTimeforTea Pre dc I had an averagely paid job. I could just afford childcare for one dc but when I had two, it wasn't worth it. I'd be working for a huge loss...then once my youngest started school, it was clear they had sn and medical issues...this involved huge numbers of appointments which I could not have managed if I had been working too.

Now they are both in school but wrap around childcare would cost me over £650 a month and school holidays could only be covered by holiday clubs as I have no family who could help really. I would have to be very fussy when choosing a holiday club due to sn. It is not easy.

@WaitingForSunday17 You think when people say they are blessed and are hash tagging about making memories that it's all embellished for social media?
I don't do the hashtag as I find it twee but when I say on Facebook that I love spending time with my kids it's because I DO.
My 4 kids are my pride, my joy, my contentment and I couldn't imagine anything worse than a childless life. The few I know who are childless by choice are money obsessed and spend their lives going on holiday and buying things. Today I watched my daughter pedal along on her bike calling out "I'm doing it!!! I'm actually doing it! I'm so proud of myself"
How can sitting on a beach compare with that?
Three of my kids are adults now and I wish I could go back to their babyhoods and do it all again.
A child's first smile, their face on Christmas Day, their first goal scored, first lead part in a play, getting better than they thought in their A-levels and the simple things, cuddling on the sofa watching a movie, walking to school chatting about their friends, cuddling them as they fall asleep, bathing them and towelling them dry.
To hear a mother of two saying she doesn't recommend having children is really worrying and I echo the others in suggesting that you may need some help and support.

YANBU OP - I only have the one but I'm a lone parent (ex fucked off a long time ago but that's a whole other thread!). Let's face it, if the relationship doesn't work out it is usually the woman who ends up raising the child doing the grunt work and a lot (not all) of men either fuck off out of the scene altogether and does the bare minimum or becomes weekend Disney dad!

I'm am so worn out by numerous 'issues' involving my DS, my immune system is shot to fuck because of it and this year I've spent the majority of the time ill with one thing or another. I have very little time to myself whilst ex has all the time in the world, I have very little money whilst ex snorts £1000s of pounds of coke up his nose each month. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't actually trade places with ex but there are days when I wish I hadn't had my DS - that doesn't mean I don't love him more than anything else in the world, but fuck it's harder than I ever could have imagined. The sheer relentlessness of it all, it can be so soul destroying, especially when sometimes nothing you do ever feels good enough.

I get that it's not like this for everyone, I know some people thrive as parents but I really don't think parenting is for everyone. I also think that for some people parenthood really isn't as rewarding as it's made out to be!

Mabel your post struck a chord. I genuinely wonder about being a SAHP rather than a working one. I chose the former, and like you I was unprepared for how much I'd love DS and I was perfectly happy being at home with him - I would have found it very difficult to not be there for him.

My sister managed to hold on to part time work and she'll be able to go back to full time when her DC are a bit older. My options are more limited. Nonetheless, it used to break my heart when her DC wanted her and she was at work. Different strokes for different folks.

It isn’t normal not to enjoy anything about having kids or failing to enjoy doing any activities with them. - Bullshit. This is the reality for some people. Not everyone enjoys scuba diving, not everyone enjoys hiking and certainly not everyone enjoys parenting. It's this kind of shit that makes women feel there is something wrong with them for not wanting children or not 'enjoying' their children as much as society says they should.

No it’s not at all easy when sn are in the picture former, it is a game changer - I completely understand your perspective and sorry you don’t have family that could help. I don’t think it’s easy to afford childcare even for wraparound and holiday clubs or that it’s lovely for kids to use that all the time (my dd hates the wraparound and holiday childcare with a passion) but i was more thinking that when you’ve got secondary aged dc something for yourself career wise might be possible, it sounds such a hard life.

I’ve a family member with 2 sn dc and she is still having to do pick ups and drops despite them being nearly at the end of their schooling.

Well, it depends on how you frame it. My mum has always been a homemaker. My mum has always urged me to pursue my financial independence and ensure I am employable and have my own ways of earning money.
Now she has never come out and said she regrets not having worked. She and my dad have been married a long time and run along nicely together. But her advice has been counter to her own experience because she wants something different/better for her daughter. That’s okay.

So it’s not a question of you telling your Dd you regret kids but just reminding her thrtr’s Loads of other things life has to offef

Op is not depressed just offering a valid alternative opinion that a fair few of us agree with.

@BackinTimeforTea Yes, once they are both in secondary school, I hope to be able to work again! I count myself lucky that my dcs sn are mild and long term won't require on going care...however, I still need currently to be 'on call' as it were to manage appointments and meetings.

My DD asked me what it was like having children and I was honest with her. I told her that there are fantastically rewarding aspects to being a parent as well as times when it is incredibly hard. Because that's my experience of it. I'm not going to lie and tell her every moment is magical - many moments are actually about as enjoyable as being hit in the face with a leaking bag of shit and pretending otherwise isn't helpful to anyone. I don't think there's anything wrong with encouraging a child to think about all the other fulfilling things they could do with their lives instead of/as well as being a parent.

This is so sad to read, that the OP is so unhappy in her life and choices. She must know that it isn’t that way for everyone otherwise nobody would procreate, it just wouldn’t be some awful secret that everyone was colluding in.

It hasn’t ruined my life at all, it has added to it in ways I could not imagine. There have been awful bits ( sick children, juggling responsibilities ) and no one is denying the early years can be a shock and very full on, but massively outweighed by having these people in my life who I love above all other .

Don’t tell your daughter that it is a mistake - how awful for her to hear that - but by all means tell her to be emotionally, physically and financially prepared and to do it because it really feels like the thing she most wants to do for itself- not because she feels she ‘should’, or is trying to fix a relationship or has nothing else worthwhile going on in her life.

Op is not depressed just offering a valid alternative opinion that a fair few of us agree with

No she isn't. We all know that not having kids is a valid alternative to having kids. Nobody hear disagrees with that.
The issue is with OP telling her kids (or anyone telling their kids) "don't have children they will ruin your life and you will be unhappy". Which is the same as telling your kids "I wish you were never born you ruined my life and being your parent is soul destroying".

Thats not a valid opinion, that is child abuse.

I get you OP but I would choose my words very carefully when talking to my DD/DS.

I believed for years I couldn’t have kids and my life childfree was very enjoyable. When I had kids my life became so much harder... but still enjoyable in a totally different way. I miss my old life but having kids has given me so much.

The point I’m trying to make is that you can have a great life, with or without kids and you shouldn’t put pressure on your kids to go either way, just let them know that you’ll support their choices.

YABU

I really hate posts like this. The insinuation that women only get two choices: career OR motherhood. Actually it is possible to do both. Even at the same time.

As for whether having children enrich your life. Well that’s subjective. Personally I’ve found being a mother the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done. My child brings me true joy and happiness. Yes there are hard times and probably there will be a lot of those to come. But I love having a child and spending time with them. I would not trade having a child for anything.

You sound as though you feel that motherhood has taken away your freedom. I certainly don’t feel that way. But I work. Do you? If you don’t, might it help to try to re-enter the workforce? Or do you work but your partner does not pull his weight with chores etc? If so maybe it would help to share the load a bit more?

I felt that having children had ruined my life. Ex was useless I've done ALL the work. I've been broke. I'm virtually unemployable in any decent paying field (but I am doing my degree ) my children both have SN. If you asked me 5 years ago would I have done things differently I'd have said yes but now, hell no!
However I agree with a pp I really wish I'd had my head screwed on when it came to men and money. I really wish I'd sorted my career and financial independence. That would have made a difference.

3 years of anything with no break would make anyone crazy

There’s parenting and there’s torture!

user2490 how do you know OP isn’t depressed? I think a lot of people agree with some points raised (me included) but it is not usual to take such extreme views on how awful it is being a mother. I strongly suspect low mood is a feature here

I really don’t think it’s a ‘taboo’ that some women aren’t really suited to being mothers. It’s always been the case (in the olden days, if you were rich enough you got nannies to do the job for you). Thankfully, it is becoming more and more acceptable for women not to have children - I’m sorry you didn’t feel that it was an option OP.

However, I notice that you haven’t answered anybody’s questions about what is going on in your life? How old are the kids? Do you have support from family? Do you have debts/money issues? Do you have a partner who shares in the drudge work? Do you get time off? Do you have a career - or plans to go back to one? Do you have hobbies you enjoy?

All these are important in your happiness. The kids are here now, so that ship has sailed. But that doesn’t mean that your life can’t get better - however you need to take steps to make it better. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life who can help you?

I'm child free by choice and the best thing to do is be honest. My mum was and said she felt massively held back by kids but it didn't make me feel unloved or unwanted.
Let her know she has a choice, some parents are very pushy and go on and on a about grandchildren like they're some mandatory entitlement.

formerbabe don’t give up hope of a great job - I’m keeping a small hand in so that once they hit secondary I can hopefully ramp things up - life experience does help in the workplace and we’re still a good way off retirement age, I hope things improve for you.

@BackinTimeforTea Thanks for your kind words

Wow.. My children are the best part of my life. Most enriching , funniest and absolutely amazing. I would highly recommend them to have children of their own.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you are so sad about your situation are you are sure there are no alternatives? Part time work ? Work from home ? My DIL has health problems as does my GS and life is a struggle, but she still works while my DS looks after them after he finishes work .

OP you’re avoiding all of the questions asking if you’re ok.

You really can’t be by what you’re posting and I think you should go and talk to someone about feeling so low.

They make everything harder. Everything is a little bit worse. I don’t see how that cannot be true to be honest

^ that was so bleak sounding and saddening to read. Kids do make everything harder. But mindblowing make every day a bit better for me. They make me proud and laugh and smile every day and have given me love I didn’t know I was capable of. Have also given me even more reasons to love my husband.

Please go and talk to someone. The way you’re feeling isn’t normal. You sound like how my brain did when I had PND.

And please never say to your daughter you wished you’d never had kids!