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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the best advice I can give my daughter is don’t have any children?

362 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 11/08/2018 19:48

Because it is completely soul destroying and the negatives massively outweigh any positives?
I have a son too. I don’t think it’s so bad for men. I wouldn’t be so sad for him if he ended up having children. But I think for women it ruins your life and the happiest people I know - and I think some study confirmed this - are those that are child free by choice? Completely different if you want them and can’t have them I realise.

OP posts:
MsFrizzle · 12/08/2018 23:01

and wholeheartedly cheerlead for the childless

Not an attack, but people generally use 'childfree' if it's a choice and 'childless' if it isn't. I think using childless for myself would take away from the pain of people who DO want kids and unfortunately can't have them and I don't want to like, shit on those people by being happy about being childLESS.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/08/2018 23:07

Don’t project your negative feelings onto your child. Whatever they may be.

Tell her that you will support her choices, whatever are. And tell her parenting is hard, sure (because, it is). But don’t tell her it would be better for her not to have kids. Because she will know what you mean (that you wish you hadn’t). And that will hurt her OP, it will hurt her like hell, and it will stay with her.

Tell someone else how hard it is, and about your regrets. But not her.

Rebecca36 · 12/08/2018 23:10

I'm sad for you that you feel that way - maybe you don't now, perhaps you were feeling depressed/demoralised when you wrote the op.
However it might not be like that for your daughter, she is a different person to you. So please don't give her any advice about having children, it's up to her to live her own life.

Broussard · 13/08/2018 00:56

Actually, if you read the thread through thoroughly I think you will find there are several posts that do just that, suggest that you have to find meaning in motherhood, that it is the most important thing any one person will ever do. phrases such as "we need to learn to find meaning and purpose in that", "choosing to apply a deeper meaning to motherhood and reminding ourselves daily of why we do this", "to prepare [our daughters] as best as possible for the biggest undertaking a person faces

They are talking to women who already HAVE children. Yes, if you are a mother you kind of have to try and find some meaning in it.
That isn't anything to do with telling women/girls to have or not have children, its completely different.

LeMesmer · 13/08/2018 01:15

Sorry, haven’t read the full thread so it may have been said before. My Aunt made it clear to my two female cousins that having children was not something that enhanced her life, rather something that a a married woman in the late 1950s/ early 60s was expected of her. Neither of my cousins have had children. I don’t know whether it was their Mother’s influence or whether they wouldn’t have had children anyway (both have been in relationships etc., that it would have been easy to do so). I suspect that they haven’t had children because their mother made it seem such an undesirable thing, or they were concerned they would be a very cold and unloving mother as their own was (I don’t think they would have been). Whatever the reasons I think she was so influential in taking that choice away from them it was very, very cruel.

Dieu · 13/08/2018 17:14

I love my children more than life, but if I had my time again, I'd have gone solo.
YANBU.

zeeboo · 13/08/2018 21:13

Is freedom just about being able to go out to work unencumbered though? For many, work is just another representation of loss of freedom, enslavement to the rat race
@aintnothinbutagstring totally nails it here for me. I suffer from depression and the only time it ever lifted was when I was not working for one reason or another. I feel genuinely fortunate that my disability means I have been retired from working. My parenting has never stopped me from doing what I want to. Being employed has meant I've missed nights out -have to be up early for work
Coffee with friends- at work
Sunny days at the park- stuck in office
Day of knitting or baking- too tired after a day at work to do it in the evening
Ditto a day reading on a rainy day.
Unable to go on holiday when my dh has his leave- competition for annual leave dates in office
Attending school events- no time off
Being able to help in school- no time off
Ability to keep on top of housework- too tired after work

So some women can have it 'all' the rest of us were forced into the workplace and I'm not alone in my friendship group to say we ONLY did it to pay the bills and for no other reason.

mswales · 13/08/2018 22:22

Just seen some of your previous posts OP and it's so sad. If you had a supportive partner then things would feel so different. Have you ever considered leaving him?

Firsttimemum892 · 13/08/2018 22:41

My mum used to say this to me and it was the most upsetting thing she has ever said to me , don’t say it to her. She may grow to have children and actually love and enjoy them like many people do

katielouise3 · 13/08/2018 22:51

WOW. YABVVVVVVVU!

Your poor kids. Sad

DieAntword · 13/08/2018 22:53

I’m going to tell my kids with birth rates so low in the Western world by far the biggest influence they could have over the future is to have more kids than average and thus disproportionately be responsible for the makeup of the future population.

But they can do with that information whatever they wish. Personally I’m enjoying having kids. It’s the most motivating thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m such a flighty person generally and it’s really helpful to have that grounding focus - even the responsibility side is great because I can feel that it’s good for me. I like me the mum a lot better than me the feckless loser who can’t stick at anything long enough to make it worthwhile :p

What I’m trying to say is, it’s not normal (which isn’t to say not acceptable!!) to hate having kids. I mean enjoying having children is kind of important, if we didn’t we’d just expose the blighters (before inconvenient laws got in the way anyhow) and get on with our lives and the human race would die out. It’s very possible you can find a way out of your pain even though you can’t really get out of being a mother.

RedHelenB · 13/08/2018 22:56

When dd1 was born I remember thinking I will never be completely unhappy again so yabu!

Summersup · 13/08/2018 23:04

My mum thoroughly enjoyed having us, and her mum loved having her and her brothers. I think this kind of set up the idea for me that being around children is an enjoyable experience! Plus they offered actual support, so childcare (not f/t), taking the children on holidays, buying school uniform. Having an involved grandparent has made a huge difference in terms of stress, ability to work and so on.

I, in my turn, enjoy my children. Someone said what are the rewarding moments? I have at least a few every day, we laugh a lot at things, like snuggling up on the sofa and watching something together, talking about their lives, the world, seeing how they are growing up now they are teens. It's all interesting to me.

I won't say it's always easy, but it is rewarding to me at least. I do think I've been lucky though in the amount of support I've had and this has enabled me to work and have a more rounded life than otherwise would have been the case.

SleightOfMind · 13/08/2018 23:32

Choli etc, absolutely fine to feel that way.
Cruel to tell your children how much you regret having them.

mydogisthebest · 14/08/2018 10:34

DieAntWorld, to have a large family in an already overpopulated world!! Wow how selfish.

One of the reasons DH and I decided not to have any was overpopulation. The planet will not be able to cope with the amount of people and future generations will suffer horribly because of that.

The population needs to decline not increase.

SerenDippitty · 14/08/2018 10:58

My mother never actually said I shouldn’t have kids though I do think that she would have chosen not to had the choice been there and considered valid in the early 60s. As it turned out I could not have children and she did try to point out that I could still have a good life. She told me “in my day we envied people who didn’t have children”. I did not take that personally. She did her best bringing us up.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 14/08/2018 11:05

Meh. Lots of women manage to have rich exciting lives with children. Possibly easier to do in the developed world .I'll give you that.
As with a lot of things...its not the children that are the problem, it's the parents.

formerbabe · 14/08/2018 11:12

Meh. Lots of women manage to have rich exciting lives with children

Do they?! I suppose wealthy women do or those with lots of free on tap childcare. I don't think most mothers have very exciting lives.

Confusedbeetle · 14/08/2018 11:26

Whatever you feel please dont break your childs heart by suggesting you wish you hadnt had her

Allthewaves · 14/08/2018 11:27

God you sound like my mil

Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 14/08/2018 11:56

Most women I know who are mothers have to compromise at their own expense pretty much all the time.
The men not so much.
I think generally it is a lie that you can have it all. Maybe if you have loads of cash and a brilliant support network but otherwise no. That is the lie we’ve been sold I think.
My friends who work and have kids still do the bulk of worrying over the children even if they work as many hours as their husbands.

OP posts:
NameChanger22 · 14/08/2018 11:59

I told my daughter today how much I'd spent on childcare in the last ten years. Her response was "I'm never having kids". I'll keep reminding her how expensive childcare is until she's 30.

Momo27 · 14/08/2018 12:19

I agree OP that’s it’s a lie that you can have it all. If you went into parenthood believing that, you stand to be disappointed.

What I do believe is that to a large extent it’s within our control to create the kind of life we want. If being sole carer and always having to be the one to compromise outside interests and career would drive you potty, pick a partner who values your career and interests, and who is prepared to do hands on parenting and make compromises. Have these discussions before having kids.

If you dream of traveling, do it when you’re younger, don’t rush into having kids and then blame them for the restrictions they place on your lifestyle

And before anyone jumps on me, yes I know the unexpected can happen. I wouldn’t have chosen to have a child with quite serious medical issues- but we did, so as a parent you deal with it. There are no guarantees. We have friends who are both extremely career minded, they planned to just have one child (they were in their 40s) and then had twins! Now for some that would be a blessing, but I know they were genuinely quite upset and anxious; they really hadn’t banked on having double the childcare cost, plus all the extra work involved with twins. It meant they had to scale back on some of the plans they had but it didn’t mean they abandoned any idea of happiness.

Parenting is really tough- I get that - specially without any family support. But ultimately it’s the mum and Dad who choose to have children, and you go into always knowing there’s a risk of multiple birth, or sadly, a child being born with medical problems or disabilities. There are no guarantees. But children don’t ask to be brought into the world- they have no say in the matter so once they’re here, it’s our responsibility as parents to raise them
As best we can.

DieAntword · 14/08/2018 13:01

@mydogisthebest
What I do has no bearing on the broad demographic trends. Population minus immigrants in the developed world is already declining and this decline will only accelerate. That’s the point. If everyone else is not quite replacing themselves and my descendants replaced themselves plus 1 say then over several generations the proportion of society that was our descendants would grow exponentially. Of course in the end that’s up to them as much as me and they might prefer to do something else. I just find it an amusing idea. It could hardly effect overall population trends which are driven by socio-economic forces not the individual decisions of me and my family alone.

mydogisthebest · 14/08/2018 16:07

We need the population to decline. It's all very well saying that your family, as just one family, have no bearing on over population but the fact is that everyone who brings a child into the world does have a bearing on it.

Over population is a big problem for the planet. Everyone needs to realise that. I see more and more couples/women having 3, 4 or more children.

I could say why should I bother recycling anything as just my one household isn't going to make a difference plus when the planet is swamped by plastic and all the wildlife/fish are dead because of plastic I won't be around and haven't brought any children into the world to be affected