To think the best advice I can give my daughter is don’t have any children?

[WaitingForSunday17]

Because it is completely soul destroying and the negatives massively outweigh any positives?
I have a son too. I don’t think it’s so bad for men. I wouldn’t be so sad for him if he ended up having children. But I think for women it ruins your life and the happiest people I know - and I think some study confirmed this - are those that are child free by choice? Completely different if you want them and can’t have them I realise.

I think maybe a better message would be: If you want kids, have them in a planned fashion, when you are financially stable, have had some experience and fun so you don’t feel like you missed out on your youth, and most of all don’t have them with some deadbeat loser who will do fuck all to help.

I didn’t feel like I had a choice about having kids. DH wanted a child and it was non negotiable - choosing not to have one was basically also choosing to be 40, divorced and alone. My parents were desperate for a grandchild and I felt like I couldn’t deprive them of that completely. I could have had a child 15 years ago and they’re always saying how sad they are that they probably won’t live to see my DC grow up now because I waited too long.

But now I’ve had DC it’s all on my shoulders to be the primary carer and give up my dreams and ambitions. I rarely get a break. I’m on duty every night and every weekday, and most of the weekend too. I can’t even read a book or watch tv, never mind get a job. I’m constantly sleep deprived and feel like a zombie.

I love my DC but unless you’ve got the money for childcare (or family to babysit) then you basically can’t have anything else in your life except DC. You have to give up everything else you’ve ever cared about. I wouldn’t swap my DC but if I’d known beforehand how relentless it was then I’d never have become a mum.

I don’t have children. Never wanted them. Have a fab job. Have a lifestyle I love. Have travelled the world.

But.... you shouldn’t tell your daughter not to have children. That’s her choice.

If you phrased it as “you ruined my life so don’t ever have children” then yes you would BU and hurtful. However, I don’t think saying you found parenthood very hard and wouldn’t recommend it, is bad at all.

My mum said similar to me when I told her how vehemently I didn’t want kids - she completely agreed and told me that knowing me, she thought it would genuinely ruin my life (I think it would too, hence not wanting them). Not once did she insinuate I’d ruined hers, but honestly, if she thinks she might not have had me if she had her time again? That’s completely fine! She’s a person before a mother, I wouldn’t expect to be her ‘greatest accomplishment’ in life, she had a life before I existed. I’m incredibly close to my mum, we speak every day and I can tell her anything and I never felt anything other than love from her but that doesn’t mean she can’t be honest about the tribulations of parenthood or the fact that having a child brought negatives as well as positives. I don’t take that personally

I love my DC but unless you’ve got the money for childcare (or family to babysit) then you basically can’t have anything else in your life except DC

This is very true.

Parenting is bloody hard work, i struggle loads. Are you struggling OP? Do you have any help at all? Apologies if you’ve already answered that, I haven’t been able to read through the whole thread (kids playing up tonight) . I love my kids and would die for them but I sometimes ache for freedom, to pursue life and live it. To go to the places I never got to visit, take up the activities I wanted, etc.
However post natal depression is clouding everything for me and has done for years. It has ruined my outlook on life. I would never tell my kids not to have children as that is a choice one must make for themselves. I would hope I could support them whichever choice they make.

Your post struck a chord. I never wanted children, ever, I am admittedly not remotely maternal. Everybody in my life knows this. However, I had DD after a contraception failure which I responsibly dealt with via the morning after pill. She didn't budge. So she was meant to be and what a force she is...at 20 years old and about to leave for a prestigious uni place. I will NEVER regret her, she has been a joy (mostly). I got married to my ex-h when she was nearly 3. I told him I didn't want any more children. Suddenly, out of the blue, after 10 years of marriage, he decided that he wanted to be a father. We fought over this issue. I was adamant. So he fucked about with my contraceptives and indeed deployed the old "you were asleep so thought you wouldn't mind" pattern of rape. At 42, I found myself pregnant, booked termination. "D"H pulled all manner of emotional blackmail and threatened to leave. I stayed pregnant. We had our gorgeous DS. Unfortunately he was diagnosed as autistic after a nightmare 3 years. "D"H decided this wasn't what he wanted after all, had an affair and fucked off, leaving me at middle age, with an autistic child, forced to give up career and life actually and single parent on my own as he checked out entirely. I ADORE my little boy, he has taught me things I never would have experienced had I not had him. However, out of this scenario, my eldest has decided she will never be a parent, I know that my life is over in terms of career, freedom. I am nearly 50, DS is 7. Would I reverse and not do any of it? Hell yes! I love my kids, they are the best things ever, they have changed me as a person...but would I have chosen this position? Or parenthood? Knowing what I do now, absolutely not. I think it's perfectly OK to say that, although I would never ever say it them!

Goodness that sounds sad!

I’ve had a discussion with my 15 year old daughter about the possibility of her having a child with Autism, as her older brother has Autism with severe learning difficulties and is non verbal along with the fact that 10 male members on my side have Autism and 1 recently diagnosed female who was born extremely early also diagnosed with Autism (Asperger)

My daughter knows that should she have a child she is of high risk of having a child also with Autism, she knows the hard work that this entails, but also the fact that she has also first hand experience of this it probably wouldn’t phase her, she so good with her brother and is understanding of his meltdowns.

Would I wish her what I’ve gone through ?

Most definitely not!!!

Yes I know she could handle a child with Autism, but could her partner?

We’re lucky to be able to have frank discussions about everything, and I’ve been honest with her about the possibility of her having a child with Autism, and if she then still decides to have a child, then at least I’ve been honest about the possible outcome.

I’d like to add My husband and myself love our son dearly as does his sister.

Having children ruins MOST women's careers. And makes them dependent on men.

I agree with the OP. I think it's ironic that the people in life that I most want to tell not to have children - because I love them and want them to have a great life - are the people who will be most hurt by it. I.e. My
Children.

OP, I really recommend getting divorced with a decent contact schedule.... the days without children (and with sleep) saved my sanity.

And after that post, my DS has got out of bed to show me how his penis looks like a helicopter if he wiggles his hips. So, no, I would never have experienced that...and I am grateful that I do. The little shit

llamapyjamas why did you settle for being held over a barrel to have dc and getting nothing in the way of help from either DH or the ‘desperate’ gp? They must all be pushy and selfish. If your DH isn’t prepared to help, why can’t you pay for childcare for a break?

Your story absolutely sounds like you’ve got seriously pushy unkind people in your life and you should demand more from them.

I agree with you Sunday17 but for different reasons.

I think this world is rapidly being destroyed by the greed of a comparatively few people, and the profligate use of resources by almost all of us in developed countries (I include myself in that number - you can't touch pitch and not be defiled).

Unless we very quickly change our habits - particularly as regards fossil fuel use, plastics, and eating meat (a pound of beef is HUGELY costly in world terms) then we will very soon reach the tipping point for global warming, where no matter what we do it will do no good - it's like pushing a ball up a hill and over the top - once it is on the way down the other side it is unstoppable and moves increasingly quickly.

I would hate to bring a child into this.

Well this is an interesting variation on the common 'AIBU to think life without children is so much better' threads. YABU, let your children live their lives and make their own choices.

So he fucked about with my contraceptives and indeed deployed the old "you were asleep so thought you wouldn't mind" pattern of rape. At 42, I found myself pregnant, booked termination. "D"H pulled all manner of emotional blackmail and threatened to leave. I stayed pregnant. We had our gorgeous DS. Unfortunately he was diagnosed as autistic after a nightmare 3 years. "D"H decided this wasn't what he wanted after all, had an affair and fucked off, leaving me at middle age, with an autistic child, forced to give up career and life actually and single parent on my own as he checked out entirely

I'm speechless at this.

formerbabe Don't be. This is not at all uncommon as I have since found out. Actually, it's par for the course with selfish narcs. Unfortunately, I married one.

Having my children was the best thing that ever happened to me, so on that count I think you're wrong

Me too and that's despite us not having family babysitter or breaks and we had some really tough years with external things moves house jobs go wrong as well and money worries.

But I have a decent DH, children have no SN and they generally get on.

I know MIL didn't enjoy most of motherhood she's been vocal on the subject - got better for her as DH got older -that's despite having many babysitter and a very good social life and career. She was shocked we had them and how many we had. My own family are surpised, and sometime I think disppointed, I had children and that I have enjoy motherhood it's not what they expected for me.

There have been downsides to my career we have less money, time but overall it's still a massive postive.

I think instead focus on teaching her how to pick a good partner and what she should / shouldn’t tolerate in relationships. For most fathers their lives may not change as much, but there are fathers out there who are literally 50/50 (or more), or who give up work to stay home, etc etc. Having children as a woman doesn’t have to mean sacrificing yourself while your partner gets on with life as usual.

I wouldn't say anything to your DD. Its an individual decision and one that she has to make for herself. Having children made my life wonderful and it may be the same for her, my children are in their twentys now and I wouldn't be without them. Its to rigid to say it would ruin her life, she isn't you OP, I am thinking you are in a bad place but please think about how she will view you telling her that having children ruined your life.

The only sensible thing to tell your children is "You are not me. Even if you do exactly the same things, it will not be my life, it will be yours. You will have to plan your life according to what you think is the best solution for you, not according to what has worked or hasn't worked for me."

For me, having children was absolutely the right thing. It suited my personality, I felt I took to it easily, and that I had a lot of useful experience.

My adult daughter has made it very clear that she does not intend to have children and that she doesn't think it would be the right thing for her. She may well be right. She is very good with small children but does not feel her health is strong enough and very much wants to focus on her career.

It would be totally irresponsible to try to persuade her to do what I did just because it worked for me. She is not me. It is not my job to decide what is best for her.

TheformidablemrsC,

Your story has left me speechless! You are a brave, strong woman to go through what you have.

Mine are now adults and they most certainly have not ruined my life.

OP I think you have to bear in mind that most parents DO feel happy that they had kids. I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but remember that you're in the minority. So if your daughter (or son) one day has children, the overwhelming likelihood is that she will be happy about it. The chances of her feeling the same way about motherhood as you do are slim, based purely on probability.

mrsC

My 4 kids are my pride, my joy, my contentment and I couldn't imagine anything worse than a childless life. The few I know who are childless by choice are money obsessed and spend their lives going on holiday and buying things. Today I watched my daughter pedal along on her bike calling out "I'm doing it!!! I'm actually doing it! I'm so proud of myself"
How can sitting on a beach compare with that?

I’m childless, not by choice, but until I read this I still thought I had a pretty good life - fantastic DH, job I enjoy, etc. Now aI know my life is absolute shit. Thank you for enlightening me.

I think it would be a real shame to tell your dd this. Everyone is different - as this thread shows - and something that has caused you unhappiness may be a source of great joy
To her in the future. More immediately, you
Will also make her feel spectacularly shit about herself, however you phrase it.

I'm sorry that you are struggling and I agree you sound like you May be depressed. I find having children incredible- there are many hard bits but for me they make me feel content in a way I couldn't imagine. With some careful balancing between me and DH I also have a successful career and even a few friends.