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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the best advice I can give my daughter is don’t have any children?

362 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 11/08/2018 19:48

Because it is completely soul destroying and the negatives massively outweigh any positives?
I have a son too. I don’t think it’s so bad for men. I wouldn’t be so sad for him if he ended up having children. But I think for women it ruins your life and the happiest people I know - and I think some study confirmed this - are those that are child free by choice? Completely different if you want them and can’t have them I realise.

OP posts:
Phuquocdreams · 11/08/2018 20:10

I certainly wasn’t sure about having kids but it’s all worked out. I agree that you would be better advising her that if she wants to have kids to make sure she has an equal partner.

BackforGood · 11/08/2018 20:11

As everyone else has indicated, of course you would be vvvvvvv unreasonable to say that to her.
However, for you to even be considering this, we have to presume there are big issues in your life which have made you feel this way, as it isn't a 'normal' way to feel at all.

bobstersmum · 11/08/2018 20:11

I do think that having children is not easy, it's draining, it's a long hard slog of putting someone else before your wants and needs, but despite all of this I still consider my children as my biggest achievement. I struggle with anxiety (massively atm) but my children are the one thing that keep me going. I don't understand how anyone would regret their children so much that they'd tell them not to have any of their own. That's very sad op I hope you are ok.

ReginaBlitzkreig · 11/08/2018 20:12

I can understand the OP.

No one should feel pressured into having them or not having them.

I will tell my DD how important it is to have children with the right person, if you are going to have them, and with a firm commitment from partner about career expectations, who does what etc.

katseyes7 · 11/08/2018 20:13

My mother said similar to me when l was 15. "They're nothing but bother." l was an only child.
And fed me horror stories about childbirth and afterwards. Then when l told her l was splitting up with my husband, said "is this because you don't want a family?"

HollyGibney · 11/08/2018 20:14

Don't do that. My Mum used to say it all the time. Her resentment just beamed out and it definitely weakened our bond. I never felt like she really wanted us, just that we were a burden she was stuck with.

GreenTulips · 11/08/2018 20:15

Like a few PP have said having children is hard work and very thankless task.

I see no issue giving your DD options and giving her the choice to be child free or otherwise.

I certainly want my kids to be free from responsibility for as long as possible and enjoy the opportunities that come their way.

I see so many young teens thinking that having children is the way forward, without the realization that it's hard emotionally financially and physically.

dementedma · 11/08/2018 20:16

I kind of agree with the OP I'm afraid.
Dd2 gets married soon and I'm already getting stupid comments about being a granny. Why would I want to be? If/when I am one then fair enough, but it isn't something I'm in any rush to embrace

MrsJayy · 11/08/2018 20:17

I can't say it has been a bed of roses for me and thank gawd when mine were growing up there was no making memories bollocks, but you can't discourage girls /daughters from having babies because we had difficult tmes. I don't think telling girls you can do it all is a great honest message either but it shouldn't be eitther or...

Alittleshaderequired · 11/08/2018 20:18

I’m surprised at everyone saying something must be wrong with the OP. I totally agree with her and I don’t feel anything is wrong with me nor has anything major happened.

For me it’s the total utter isolation. Yes I went to baby groups and I very often tried to talk to people but for some reason lots already knew each other and I couldn’t break in. So for me it was being isolated and on my own every day until 7.30/8pm and often for 2 or 3 days at a time with no other adult to talk to. It’s been hideous. I love them very much but it really is soul destroying.

chockaholic72 · 11/08/2018 20:18

My mum said this to me, and it hasn't ruined my life. I always knew I was very much wanted, and very loved, but she always made it very clear that there were many paths to take in life and that children and a husband weren't at the end of all of them. She loved children, and was an amazing mum, but made it very clear that she would never ever put pressure on me to "make her a grandma". Whatever way my life worked out, she stressed that she would always support me in whatever I chose to do.

She died when I was 23 and I miss her every day. I ended up not having children, but that was another story and nothing to do with her advice. As a result, although I would have liked children, I had enough knowledge from her to know that having children is not the be all and end all of things, and I am pretty happy with my life as it is. She made sure that I would be prepared if my life didn't turn out the way most women's do, and for that I will always be massively grateful.

BillStickersIsInnocent · 11/08/2018 20:19

My mum has always been honest with us about the impact having children has had on her career - but I’ve never taken this as she regrets having us, just more an observation of the realities of motherhood.
I am incredibly grateful for this honesty as it has helped me to make good decisions about having children and parenting them.

Being a parent can be exhausting and expensive and thankless, but the prevailing narrative is that it’s all sweetness and light. (Apart from on MN - here’s pretty honest). My mum taught me that too.
For the record we have a great, close relationship.

SaltyMyDear · 11/08/2018 20:22

I agree with you. But you’ve broken a taboo so people are putting you back in your box by asking if you’re depressed.

Being a Mum has significant disadvantages but we’re not allowed to talk about them.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 11/08/2018 20:23

Hold on. Don't jump on the OP.

I'm sorry but very many of us on here are carrying a heavy burden as mothers. There is thread upon thread here from women who can't go to work because childcare costs are prohibitive. Plenty of women here who do all the 'wife work' and don't have supportive partners. Parenting is fucking hard work, and especially if you do it right. Being a parent is a selfless act.

I will be picking my words carefully but I'll certainly be urging my daughter to think about when and if she wants to be a parent. And what being a parent means - it's the rest of your life! I'll also be trying to raise her to make good choices in education and who she picks as a partner. I don't think that's a bad thing to do.

Xenia · 11/08/2018 20:23

I took 2 - 3 weeks of fto have babies and have had a lovely flife, lots of money, high paid career which continues to give me huge satisfaction and a lovely family. Isn't your post really about don't be so silly as to stop full time work when babies come and don't make low paid bad work choices rather than don't have children?

GreenMeerkat · 11/08/2018 20:23

Obviously being a parent isn't all smiles and sunshine and rainbows all the time. Far bloody from it. It's stupidly hard, lonely, exhausting and expensive.

But if you feel like that all the time, so much so that you want to tell your own daughter that it's so bad, she shouldn't have children of her own then I think you need to seek some help and support as these are not normal feelings OP (not to feel them all the time) and sounds like you are quite depressed.

Hope you get some help Thanks

Naughty1205 · 11/08/2018 20:24

Are you depressed op?

WhyDoesItAlways · 11/08/2018 20:25

I think it's ok to be honest about the reality of having children as long as it's balanced with the positives and negatives. There were no other children/babies in my family when I was growing up so I had no idea of the reality of having children and it was a massive shock and I would have really appreciated a bit more of a heads up. Maybe that's just be though.

I definitely wouldn't tell her not to have children though. That's for her to decide.

BackinTimeforTea · 11/08/2018 20:27

So agree mrsjayy I don’t think you can have it all either and that kind of fairytale was what hit me hardest. I thought you had kids, carried on working full time and steaming ahead and hey would be just fine. So naive.

So much better to tell your kids that at least one parent has to have a good deal of work flexibility and priorities the children and the other still needs to help.

Also agree that helpful friends and extended family would improve the experience of having children!

Missillusioned · 11/08/2018 20:30

My nan said this to my mum. She obviously didn't listen!

I think it's quite a common sentiment from women who have had a hard time with child rearing. They understandingly want their daughters to have an easier life, it doesn't mean they necessarily wish they hadn't had them

In my nan's case, she had 7 children and was very hard up financially. This was in the days before reliable contraception and when things like automatic washing machines weren't available. She had a very hard life, which she wanted her daughter to avoid.

I have expressed similar sentiments for different reasons. I am a single parent. When I had my children I was married and had them thinking we would bring them up together as a couple. It didn't happen like that and I am now very aware of how easy it is for a man to walk away and if he pays maintenance and does eow that's his full contribution and the mother gets to do the lion's share of everything. It is really hard work.

I don't want my daughter to end up in this position. I have warned her never to have more children than she thinks she could eadily bring up single handedly I'd necessary. Even if that means not having any.

woodywoo2 · 11/08/2018 20:35

My MIL told me never to have kids because it would ruin my life.

Having my DC was the best thing I have EVER done.

MIL was talking a load of shit and I resent her for not wanting her GC before they were even conceived.

Sistersofmercy101 · 11/08/2018 20:37

Well from a sociological point of views of today's western world - the OPs summation of motherhood being detrimentally hard for women is correct. There's the treatment of pregnancy and childbirth and the (non) treatment of birth injuries, the utterly nasty judgement of whatever a mother does - bf vs formula, Sahp vs wp and then there's the fact that a child's welfare, health, achievements and behaviour are still laid at the mothers door - predominantly mothers are still considered the default parent.
But my children are without a doubt my personal mount Everest - incredibly tough but worth everything. I'd make my dd aware of the challenges and pitfalls at the right time but stress that they personally were absolutely worth it?

Apileofballyhoo · 11/08/2018 20:37

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you want the best thing for your DD and the best thing might be to not have children.

I love my DS more than anything in the world and I experience real sadness that I only have one DC from time to time. The horror of never having known DS is too much to contemplate, and I've loved being his mother. But if I had a daughter I'd definitely tell her to be very, very careful in her choices. We have in no way reached any kind of equality in society.

ItLooksABitOff · 11/08/2018 20:40

YANBU.

I definitely plan to tell DD to think very carefully about it when the time comes.

Crunchymum · 11/08/2018 20:40

I too read it as the OP being in a bad place.

What is going on OP? Feel free to rant!!