To think the best advice I can give my daughter is don’t have any children?

[WaitingForSunday17]

Because it is completely soul destroying and the negatives massively outweigh any positives?
I have a son too. I don’t think it’s so bad for men. I wouldn’t be so sad for him if he ended up having children. But I think for women it ruins your life and the happiest people I know - and I think some study confirmed this - are those that are child free by choice? Completely different if you want them and can’t have them I realise.

That’s as may be re equality but at least things are changing, things are better for us than my mum where if a man had a job and wasn’t pissed all the time he was a good man - plenty of men and women demanding more family friendly polices and getting them these days.

My kids will have me, I hope to be the granny mine never had. Photos and making memories stuff is all hyperbolic nonsense but at bedtimes when they hug you, that has got to be one of the best feelings in the world.

Yanbu. As a PP said you have unleashed the so-called taboo so there are some that would like to force it back into its blissful ignorance-box.

It's fucking tough as shit. If it goes wrong you can't exactly 'return unwanted items'.

There is more to life than a husband and 2.4 children. There are threads upon threads on here about women pondering their perilous state; a DH that doesn't contribute or actively participate in family life, money worries, prohibitive childcare costs. The sheer worry and anxiety it brings which incidentally doesn't really ever cease.

It's not a binary decision (i.e. have DC or enjoy life)
I have 3DC, a professional career and a very nice life which IMO is much more fun for having the 3DC in it.
Yes, I do more shopping, cleaning and laundry and have less disposable income that I otherwise might, but it's not the end of the world. I'm looking forward to DGC one day.

I sort of agree with you op. I love my dc infinitely...I'm pleased I had them but I think for the vast majority of women it confines you to a life of drudgery. I am never selfish, all day everyday is dedicated to making other people's lives better...I haven't had a day free from cooking, cleaning, washing etc in a decade. I have no career, hardly any social life and am wracked with guilt if I spend money on myself. I wouldn't tell my dd not to have dc, but I'd warn her to think carefully and tell her it's absolutely fine to be selfish and put your own needs and wants first and most of all enjoy life!

But you’ve broken a taboo so people are putting you back in your box by asking if you’re depressed

The only "taboo" is that you don't tell your children that they ruined your life and you wish they had not been born. It's not brave to break that one, its abusive.

Not so bad if yours son had them? What about the poor woman who mothered those kids?
Teach your DD she has options. Teach her to be self sufficient. Teach your son that kids are a joint responsibility.

Wow sorry OP that you feel parenting has “destroyed your soul” I haven’t had that experience and I am still very happily mothering three teens. My life has become much fuller and more interesting with my children and spouse in it. What is the back story here?

I would definitely not discourage my kids having children unless they were not in a happy relationship.

Personally I just cannot think of one situation improved by having children.
All that stuff you have to do with them that people hashtag as making memories is just fraught and dull as far as I can see.
They make everything harder. Everything is a little bit worse. I don’t see how that cannot be true to be honest.

All that stuff you have to do with them that people hashtag as making memories is just fraught and dull as far as I can see

Those hashtags are bollocks, those “perfect” fucking miserable trying to kid on they’re happy lives on social media are fake as fuck, stage managed for likes.

None of it is real.

Personally I just cannot think of one situation improved by having children.

Infertility?

I have friends who are currently ttc. They have fantastic lives...happy marriages, great careers, disposable income, holidays, clean homes, nights out.. I'd love to tell them I think they're mad!

Personally I just cannot think of one situation improved by having children

Christmas morning.

That's it.

Yes maybe Christmas...but even that is fraught and exhausting. Last year mine were up half the night and finally got out of bed at 4.45am so everyone was fed up and tired all day long. I didn’t greet mine with merry Christmas but oh for goodness sake go back to bed!

I genuinely, fervently hope that my daughters do have children and am a bit sad that neither of them seems especially interested. I was not prepared for the ferocity with which I love my children and I hope that one day they experience a love that is as all-consuming as this. (I adore my dh but the mama love has a force and intensity all of its own).

I was a sahm for 12 years though. I trashed a very good career. I was happy to be at home for much of that time but I do not think it was the right choice now and could not, in all conscience, advise my dds to do things in the way that I did.

My mum said this to me

Bloody hell OP please don’t tell your daughter this.
Having my son is the best thing I’ve ever done and has enriched my life hugely. I can’t see anything comparing to it!

What Vladmire and FormerBabe said. There are some wonderful things about motherhood but my God many women pay for it in blood, sweat and tears.

YANBU to think it OP

Hah my dds get so thoroughly over excited about Christmas that by Christmas morning the expectations can only ever go south!

For those of you who feel you lost career wise, are there no ways back? formerbabe and mabel? The labour market has never been tighter - maybe you won’t become Victoria Beckham but possible to have a good post dc career? Ageism isn’t so prevalent as it was.

I’m lucky I am just holding onto some semblance of mine although I need to improve my skills - but anyone in the same job for nn years faces that.

My life is not 'confined to drudgery' because of kids. I have a mixed and varied life that includes motherhood but is not everything. I love being a mum but i love lots of other stuff too. Its not some great 'taboo' that's being broken here, it's just not how all mums feel.

You do sound depressed and I don’t mean that as invalidating your point.

Do you get child free time?

Children can feel like chains if you never get a break.

Not all prisons have bars and that will have an impact on anyone’s mental health.

OP - I don’t want to sound patronising but do you think it may be worth taking advice from your GP- could you be depressed? Failing to find enjoyment in anything and being overly pessimistic could be features of you being low in mood. It isn’t normal not to enjoy anything about having kids or failing to enjoy doing any activities with them.
I have 3 small children and work part time with little family for support so I know how tiring and life changing they are, but your posts strike warning bells with me of a bigger picture and possible depression.

Cross post Seven

Why on earth did you have a second child?

No I never get a break and haven’t for nearly 3 years.