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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the best advice I can give my daughter is don’t have any children?

362 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 11/08/2018 19:48

Because it is completely soul destroying and the negatives massively outweigh any positives?
I have a son too. I don’t think it’s so bad for men. I wouldn’t be so sad for him if he ended up having children. But I think for women it ruins your life and the happiest people I know - and I think some study confirmed this - are those that are child free by choice? Completely different if you want them and can’t have them I realise.

OP posts:
BackinTimeforTea · 11/08/2018 19:57

Tell us more about why you feel like this. I’ve felt like this at times, when I’ve been exhausted or felt trapped workwise but not long term. You sound like you need to build a better plan for your future.

Metoodear · 11/08/2018 19:57

I would say it’s all bout who you marry I had many years of arguments with dh to get to the point we’re he is fully helping me with the kids and the home

And last year he really ducked me over with a massive job opportunity by refusing to help with the school run we nearly divorced

Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 11/08/2018 19:57

No I mean I wouldn’t say to her that I deeply regretted having children.
I just feel like I need to make it clear what she might be giving up and that there are other choices in life.

OP posts:
ImSpeakingFigurativelyOfCourse · 11/08/2018 19:58

Please don’t. My MIL told my DH to put off having children as long as possible because he needs to have a life first, and hers was awful after having him. It’s stuck with him and hurts. He’s 28 now and we have two kids, and he is an absolutely brilliant dad.

My DGM also told my mum that she was a mistake and the only reason that she wasn’t aborted was because at the time, two doctors needed to agree to the abortion, but one of the doctors DGM saw was catholic, so refused. They really don’t have a good relationship.

It’s stupidly hard, but being a parent is so worth it

Lottapianos · 11/08/2018 19:58

My mother said a version of this to me several times OP and let's just say it didn't feel great. So definitely don't share it with her. I don't have children and knowing that my mother saw parenthood as a huge con and disappointment is a huge part of the reason for that.

It sounds like you're really struggling and thats tough. Do you have friends / other adults you can confide in?

oooompa · 11/08/2018 19:58

Having my children was the best thing that ever happened to me, so on that count I think you're wrong.

As others have said, please do not tell your daughter this. I've often felt my dad regretted having kids, he's not said it but has made comments that suggest he'd do things differently, and it stings a bit.

mindutopia · 11/08/2018 19:59

Don’t project your own issues on your children. My mum is like this. She was shocked and worried to find out I was pregnant with my 1st baby (at 32, very happily married, good professional career, happy and stable in every possible way). She also tried to dissuade me from having another child, kept telling me it was ‘too soon’, despite being 37 when I had my 2nd after a 5 year age gap, still happy marriage, very financially secure with both of us having good professional careers, etc.

But those were her issues. She’s the one who had a child with an abusive man (my dad) and got divorced and struggled as a parent. I’ve done just fine, thank you. I love my dc. Having them has been nothing but a strength for both of our careers and we’re very happy in our marriage.

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 19:59

It reads to me like you’re worried about you’re daughter being unhappy OP, because you’re unhappy.

Is there a way we can help you to feel better?

Redsharks · 11/08/2018 20:00

It's down to each individual in my experience. I have friends that chose not to marry but are long term, friends who are single, friends who are divorced and each of someone in those groups has children and does not. We all feel differently about parenthood- I have a friend who, like you, feels the negatives out-way the positives (but this is usually in comparison to career/ working full time guilt/ wanting to travel more)- but mostly friends like me, who would be nothing if not a parent. My girls make me and after one child with my exH, it was the divorce I found soul destroying, not the motherhood. If it wasn't for her, I'm not sure I'd have made it through our separation.

So maybe keep this one in your back pocket- see how she ends up. I think I'd have resented my mum if she hadn't been as wonderfully maternal as she was. But we're all different I suppose.

MynameisJune · 11/08/2018 20:00

You’re not BU to encourage her to experience life before she settles down. But you’d be unreasonable to even suggest she doesn’t have children. That will be purely her choice not yours.

BackinTimeforTea · 11/08/2018 20:00

I do agree with metoodear with a good enough DH and any family support (your dd will have you?) she can have a good life with children. Why do you feel your kids have held you back, and not perhaps your choice of partner?

Lottapianos · 11/08/2018 20:00

And for the record, I am ALL in favour of a childfree life being presented as an entirely normal and positive thing, and absolutely the right choice for some people. I just don't think it should come from your own parents

SerenDippitty · 11/08/2018 20:00

I don’t think there's anything wrong with the OP making sure her daughter’s choice as to whether to have children is a fully informed one. I read it on here all the time “ why didn’t anyone tell me how hard it would be?”

Alittleshaderequired · 11/08/2018 20:01

I wouldn’t say this to my daughter for fear of upsetting her but I agree with the sentiment. I’d be secretly pleased for my DD if she decided she never wanted children. For me it has been utterly relentless and soul destroying. I love them desperately but I wouldn’t want my daughter to feel the way I do.

Sevendown · 11/08/2018 20:02

It’s not so much ‘don’t have dcs’ just make sure your advice to her is to have dcs with a dp who treats her as an equal.

Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 11/08/2018 20:03

I think that’s it Seren
I want her to realise that all those people pedalling the ‘it’s all worth it’ stuff and the ‘feeling blessed / making memories’ stuff is all a bit embellished. Maybe social media will have died a death by the time she’s old enough to think about children but I want her to know there are lots of other options and that having children isn’t necessarily inevitable which is kind of how it felt to me once all my friends started having them.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 11/08/2018 20:03

Sorry seven

OP posts:
Vanillaradio · 11/08/2018 20:04

No, please don't tell her this. My dm told me this and it was massively unhelpful and made me feel like shit. It is not true for me, I am loads happier with ds despite loss of career opportunities, financial loss etc.
As others have said, your daughter is not you and her choices are her own. I think you need to think about why you feel this way and how you can try to get support with how unhappy you feel.

BackinTimeforTea · 11/08/2018 20:05

Yes I always tell the people who post because they’re on the fence to wait until they are sure - or is hard at times, there are costs and your heart has to be in it. You can chance it and make the best of it but it’s not ideal.

Alittleshaderequired · 11/08/2018 20:08

The people I know who seem to enjoy parenthood seem to be those with parents/PILs and maybe sibling so their kids have GPs and other family. To me it looks as though that sometimes makes a difference.

PurpleRobe · 11/08/2018 20:08

It's good that you would like encourage her to consider options outside of "the norm".

But be careful how you word it... don't want her to feel she was a burden to you!!!

MrsJayy · 11/08/2018 20:08

Soo DD don't have children it is a bit shit for mums is a terrible message to send her. There was a similar post a few weeks ago it is basically telling girls they have ruined their mothers life wtf is that about.

Bowlofbabelfish · 11/08/2018 20:08

Having children or not having children are both very valid choices. I’ve found mine the hardest thing I’ve ever done but also the most rewarding. I don’t subscribe to the #blessed crap - I’m aware of how hard parenting can be day to day but I get a lot of joy out of my kids.

Please don’t tell them in the way you are here though - they will hear it as you wish you’d never had them and that would be exceptionally cruel. To talk when they are older about working hard at school, getting good qualifications, travelling if that’s what they want and most importantly having children when/if you feel personally ready Is fine. Personally I’d say the most important things are to be picky who you have kids with and to have them when the time is right for you - and that varies, there’s no right age or life stage for everyone.

You sound very down. Want to talk about it?

ArcheryAnnie · 11/08/2018 20:10

My DS is the best thing that's ever happened to me - and I've been very lucky with a lot of the things I've got to do in my life.

However, I am not sure that I would recommend to any child now that they have kids when they are older. I am terrified of climate change, and I am genuinely not sure that I have done DS a favour by bringing him into the world. I think our kids are going to have a bloody awful time of it when they are our age, and that goes double for our grandchildren. It is a really disturbing feeling bringing children into the world that I firmly believe won't have the opportunity to live as long as we do.

And I do see the OP's point about the way that having kids is very different for women than it is for men.

Beaniebeemer · 11/08/2018 20:10

I totally agree with you although I would never tell my children how I feel. In my case there is a huge back story. Certain circumstances can make it so much harder for some people think depression, anxiety, illness, lack of money, work issues, housing situation. I was so much happier when I didn’t have children. It’s shit saying that but it’s the truth.