To refuse to sacrifice my holidays

[Jackfruitburger]

We are moving into a bigger house next week which will cost an extra £300 in mortgage payments monthly. We are obviously going to have to make some cut backs.
Here's what I think dp should stop;
Buying a bottle of wine 3 times a week
Buying lunch out every day
Here's what dp has suggested we stop;
Holidays (all, even in the UK, camping etc)

I think that what I'm asking is reasonable as it doesn't contribute to the overall happiness of the house. I've already said I'll buy all our clothes secondhand and switch to Aldi/Lidl and we're getting rid of Virgin. I spend 22p a day on my lunch and haven't had a professional hair cut in ten years. I don't want to give up the one bit of happiness I have left!

Finances aside, I wouldn’t put up with my partner drinking three bottles of wine a week. It’s unhealthy, and also just gross to me.

He's completely not bothered by holidays. I'm leaving him at home whilst me and the kids go to Majorca in October (all paid for before we knew we were moving.) It's just a bit sad he isn't going to see them get on a plane for the first time, or speak Spanish (hopefully.)
Re: my nutrition, I know it's not great. I work in healthcare so I have to eat my shit lunch whilst an actual doctor watches me. I am trying to improve, sometimes I have an avocado too (if they're reduced )

Give yourselves a budget each week. So each person has x to spend. They can spend it on lunch etc. Makes less about who's buying what

Your lunch thing makes no sense. I would expect someone doing this to be extremely, extremely poor, but you can’t be if you have the ability to add £300 to your monthly outgoings.

It occurs to me that you may have an eating disorder which you may not be fully aware of. I’ve been there, and the need to follow the exact same (extremely unnourishing) routine every day is a big part of it. If this lunch routine is something you struggle to change, I would seriously consider thinking about whether there’s something more going on here than budgeting.

I think your mistake is you've proposed a solution that puts all the pain on him, and he's hitting out the only way he can think of.

It's ridiculous because you're already making 90% of the cuts week in, week out, but I think that's what's happening.

He sounds utterly maddening.

I think you need to put retirement saving on hold for a couple of years. You sound a bit tight which I would find difficult.

I just don't know how he can eat a bloody £4.00 chorizo sausage roll when he knows we're eating lentil dhal again for tea.

To be honest, I'd do that too - this sounds miserable. Where is the enjoyment?

Your plan basically sounds like you'll get a week or so on holiday each year to enjoy yourselves and then you'll be against the wall trying not to run out of money. That's no way to live.

Are you generally miles apart on how you want to live?

@icecreamface had sensible advice.

You bith have different priorities. He likes to have a bit of luxury every day and you don't mind missing out on that if if means you have the delayed gratification of a lovely holiday.

A sensible budget needs to be worked out and you need to do this together. Compromise....he gets three lunches out a week, or a shop lunch on a Friday, one or two bottles a wine a week. You get to plan a holiday for the whole family.

I agree with others that you need more for lunch than rice cakes and cup of soup. Incredibly unhealthy. Also if I was serving up lentil dhal to my DH he would be getting a pasty or sausage roll for lunch too. Have you done a monthly budget? Certainly 3 bottles of wine a week is too much. Do you drink it too?

Personally I would say your kids are too young for foreign holidays anyway. Nightmare watching 2 under 3s round a pool or on the beach in your own. Maybe do a foreign holiday every other year and a cottage holiday in Uk or staycation in the next year. It does not have to be all or nothing. No haircuts is also a step too far for me.

Where are people getting that op is refusing to give up her luxuries?

A family holiday isn’t ‘her’ luxury

And also, she has said that they can afford the extra mortgage but she is trying to be cautious.

We are not great savers, OP but we do each have packed lunches which either consist of homemade soup (tomato and lentil is cheap as chips, filling and lovely), leftovers or a cheap sarnie and fruit.

We love wine and buy far more but would he compromise to one good bottle? Or a cheap box?

In your shoes as well I would maybe skip a holiday for a year or two (like you say - same crap, different place) and just do trips out and the like.

This is a personal thing but I think you should do stuff like get your hair done if that bothers you. I know that wasn’t what you asked though.

If it was me the two things that would matter most on the list would be keeping some holidays, with the first on the list to give up being wine.

You don't want to give up the one bit of happiness you have left; he doesn't want to give up the little bit of daily happiness he has.

I think separate fun budgets are the way forward.

Also, you are in the most expensive time of your life with two kids in childcare - sadly, doing childcare, a more expensive new house AND retirement planning/saving could tip you over the edge of 'being careful with money' into 'being completely joyless and frugal'. Ease off on the retirement saving for now. Once the kids are out of childcare or one of you gets a promotion, you can pick it back up again.

I'm not a martyr but everything I do is for my family.

You do get what you said here?

How can you only just know what he is like?

I also can't believe this wasn't planned, before you even took the mortgage.

You both need to compromise.

And also, she has said that they can afford the extra mortgage but she is trying to be cautious

If she’s not had a haircut in 10 years, eats the lunch she does, and is limited in what to feed her family for dinner they can’t afford it!

None of this makes any sense.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a serious chat about how you are going to afford this new house and still achieve a standard of living that is acceptable to you both.
And...DO A BUDGET!! Put it on a spread sheet.
I think your expenditure needs re-balancing. You maybe actually need to spend more in some areas. Second hand clothes, lentil dahl and no haircuts really has the whiff of burning martyr about it. If that was all you could afford in the past, you can't afford the new house.
Also whilst yes, cutting back on wine and needlessly expensive lunches is sensible I have some sympathy for your DH's view. It takes a lot of bottles of wine to save the same amount of money as missing even one holiday would save.
As others have sad, it's about discussion leading to compromise otherwise you'll both end up feeling hard done by.

I love my holidays but I wouldn't prioritise them over my lunch and dinner every day. If you had a better diet and a decent tea to look forward to you wouldn't be so desperate to get away/eat out.

YANBU - holidays benefit the whole family!

He’d rather drink several bottles of wine a week and spend £4 on lunch than go on holiday with his wife and children. I find that odd.

It sounds as if both of you are expecting the other to cut back but without wanting to cut back themselves. Right now your children are quite little and a trip abroad is a luxury as they won’t get a great deal out of it. They will as they get older.

If I can sum it up. You eat to live. He lives to eat. Several people have explained to you why he’s eating an expensive chorizo roll. Your cutting back on food has put him off so he needs to learn to make himself a mean salad or sandwich with some chorizo in it and choose some cheaper ingredients as well. And he needs to help you with getting to grips of eating tasty food on a budget. As a result your family supermarket food bill will go up a little but overall maybe the cost of food will go down.

Personally I would also be tackling why he doesn’t want to go on holiday.

I forgot to say about the wine. Yes, he’s drinking far too much.

I don’t think it’s useful for posters to project their “I live for today” lifestyle onto the OP.

I also note that this move has been made possible by OP’s parents contributing a large sum to the house deposit. What would happen if you split up?

He seems like a man who values quality of life over "things" and holidays. Hand on heart op, was the move his choice?

You have very different attitudes to money - you need to come to some sort of compromise. I can't work out if you're really tight or you're strapped for cash.

Could there be some truth in pp's suggestion he splashes out on his lunches in reaction to the budget meals at home? You need to both make actually nice packed lunches, if you want it to work at all.

*Today 10:48 category12

You have very different attitudes to money - you need to come to some sort of compromise. I can't work out if you're really tight or you're strapped for cash.*

I honestly think op enjoys being a maytr and is pissed off that husband won't join in.

yetalk I agree that it’s not a way I would live my life but I suppose that’s personal preference.

What comes over though is that OP and her DH are not on the same page regarding finance and this is a critical issue. This house purchase is only possible because of a large cash injection from parents and living extremely frugally. It is entirely possible that the DH is refusing to give up sausage rolls and wine (which are small luxuries lets face it) because actually he doesn’t care that much.

We could have had a larger house as well but the things we enjoy would be outside our reach so it would seem pointless.

You both have to go without so you can carry on saving for the future? What is the point of that when you know you'll be a lot better off in a couple of years and can save plenty then?

It sounds like you can afford the mortgage and holidays and wine and a decent haircut and decent food just not if you want to save loads as well. So save less. I think I'm pretty frugal but to be honest you sound tight