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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to sacrifice my holidays

320 replies

Jackfruitburger · 11/08/2018 08:47

We are moving into a bigger house next week which will cost an extra £300 in mortgage payments monthly. We are obviously going to have to make some cut backs.
Here's what I think dp should stop;
Buying a bottle of wine 3 times a week
Buying lunch out every day
Here's what dp has suggested we stop;
Holidays (all, even in the UK, camping etc)

I think that what I'm asking is reasonable as it doesn't contribute to the overall happiness of the house. I've already said I'll buy all our clothes secondhand and switch to Aldi/Lidl and we're getting rid of Virgin. I spend 22p a day on my lunch and haven't had a professional hair cut in ten years. I don't want to give up the one bit of happiness I have left!

OP posts:

Poloshot · 11/08/2018 17:07

So essentially you can't afford your mortgage before it starts. What happens when the interest rate increases?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/08/2018 17:08

I can see a bit of myself in the OP and I can see how it is possible to get to where she has. I found myself getting very focussed on future security to the expense of enjoying life now. I kept telling myself that I would take the pressure off when the goals were met. At some point I realised it was unsustainable. I scaled back my goals, extended my timescales and made myself put money aside for fun stuff, haircuts etc.
Perhaps the OP needs to give herself a bit more breathing space and live a bit more for now and her DH needs to live a bit more for tomorrow.

Stirner · 11/08/2018 17:08

@slowrun - possibly, but It won't be.

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 17:11

@slowrun He’s not going on the holiday! So basically OP wants him to give up all luxuries for her holiday!

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 17:11

Perhaps the OP needs to give herself a bit more breathing space and live a bit more for now and her DH needs to live a bit more for tomorrow

Absolutely.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/08/2018 17:14

YeTalk
That’s not correct as the current holiday is covered. It is future holidays that are the issue. So he is expecting her to give up her luxury so he can keep his. They are both being unreasonable.
I also don’t think opting out of family holidays is OK.

auditqueen · 11/08/2018 17:16

he can't justify his spending, apart from 'I don't like soggy sandwiches.' If he could justify his choices I'd listen

Why does he need to. You don't justify yours. Maybe he feels that all the penny pinching and planning for the distant future is soul destroying and he wants little treats in his life as something to look,forward to.

You, and a number of other people on this thread and MN in general, seem to believe that your way - being mean (yes, it's meanness and tightness) is the only way to live. Others of us choose to have different priorities. It doesn't make you or him wrong, just different.

Why is your miserable life more important than his?

I've lived with someone like you, OP. He was mean, penny pinching and financially abusive (I'm not saying you are btw). There was no fun in his life, no joy and crap food that neither of us really enjoyed. No nights out, no cinema trips and no alcohol.

I left him.

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 17:17

They are both being unreasonable

I agree.

I also don’t think opting out of family holidays is OK

I think it depends, if he’s not going to have a choice or be told what to do all the time I can see his point.

Original poster

Jackfruitburger · 11/08/2018 17:22

I'm off, thanks for your opinions. Strangely, I feel that the reaction to my post would have been different had I been a SAHM. 'Help, my dp is spending all our money on booze' is viewed very differently if the other person is completely reliant on their income. I'm baffled that no one can see his lack of compromise as unfair. I am compromising (switching to camping rather than holidays abroad and yes I'll go on my own with the kids if he doesn't want to.) He isn't budging on anything.

OP posts:

runningkeenster · 11/08/2018 17:23

Cut down on wine.

Get him to make sandwiches for lunch.

And if you usually have a 2 week holiday have a 1 week holiday and if you usually have a 1 week holiday go say Mon to Fri and only have 4 nights away.

He isn't budging on anything Isn't he. In that case I think you have a bigger problem than finance. He feels his needs are more important than yours?

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 17:25

'Help, my dp is spending all our money on booze' is viewed very differently if the other person is completely reliant on their income

But he’s not. And you’re being financially controlling for no other reason than you’ve decided to.

So a totally different situation.

All of it sounds miserable.

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 17:26

He isn't budging on anything

I wouldn’t either.

Bluelady · 11/08/2018 17:30

He's not spending all your money on booze, you'ew insisting on saving money when you don't have it to save. Enjoy being a single parent because that's where this is heading.

Calidream · 11/08/2018 17:31

YANBU It's the twilight zone on this thread. So OP puts ALL of the deposit in for the house, earns more than her DH and has doubled her commute and he can't be arsed making a sandwich to take to work or even contemplating reducing his wine intake to save money. It's hardly teamwork

auditqueen · 11/08/2018 17:32

OP If a woman posted on here that her husband was trying to stop her spending money that she has earned as well as him, then she'd be told that he is financially abusing her and to leave him.

I personally get the feeling that your husband has probably had enough of hearing how wonderful your parents and grandparents are, quite possibly being reminded that you/your parents paid the deposit on the house and he's thoroughly sick of it. All you do is order him to compromise. In his shoes I wouldn't either. In fact, in his shoes I would be doing that MN favourite of getting my ducks in a row and fucking off and leaving you.

Starlight345 · 11/08/2018 17:33

I see a real inbalance here .

I am divided between whether you are a mytr or lack the ability to reward yourself . Why haven’t you had a haircut in 10 years. I watch money and so only have my hair cut every 6 months.

Second hand clothes aren’t always cheaper than a trip to primary.

But you go without feeding yourself properly, taking care of yourself you move that you pay for to cut his commute , you are going on holiday with 2 under 3’s.

If he is tired and falling asleep in his wine something really seems to be not happy.

I think this is about far more than a sausage roll

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/08/2018 17:34

Have you asked him what he wants? Do you know what his financial priorities are?

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 17:39

Neither is bashing the other over the head with “I paid more so you’ll do as I tell you”

I own our house outright, literally not once has it ever occurred to me to throw this at DP if he’s annoying me. Because that would be a really shit thing to do.

Equally he doesn’t chuck at me that he is the breadwinner. Because that would be a shit thing to do.

OP is not on the breadline, all of this is to afford a fancier house and holidays.

Yet because he’s male he shouldn’t have any luxuries at all. Rightio then.

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 17:40

auditqueen absolutely.

rookiemere · 11/08/2018 17:41

Sorry OP but you appear to have a disordered view of eating. Generally most people have lunch ( and I don't mean a 50 calorie nutrition free soup and rice cakes) and then also have room for dinner particularly if it's lentil curry for dinner

I buy my lunches most days as I used to make them,but then realised if I got subway salad of the day or used a voucher I could get a great mixed salad for less than £3 and it feels like a daily treat.

We used to do house-swaps through NCT when DS was younger and we had less disposable income. Great way to have a cheap holiday.

I live for my holidays but I have to say that if it was a choice between going away but then having to steal biscuits to meet my calorie needs and drink no wine for the rest of the year, then I'd likely skip them

MuddlingThroughLife · 11/08/2018 17:44

I don't think there is any right or wrong here but I do feel you have different priorities and ideas about life.

Yes, you're right about him wasting money by buying lunch every day and drinking three bottles of wine per week.

But on the other hand he doesn't want to live a life of penny pinching and only buying second hand clothing.

I think it's odd he doesn't want to join his wife and kids on holiday, he's missing out on so much which one day he may regret.

I think you both need to seriously sit down and discuss priorities and where you see life taking you in the future. You may say that you love each other but such different ways of living and priorities could eventually drive a huge wedge between you.

In my experience life is for living in the here and now. I've always wanted to move to a nicer area and have a 4 bed house but I live with dh in a small 3 bed terrace not in the greatest of areas with three children up until January when my beautiful 10 year old son grew his angel wings. Now I'm so glad we were able to afford camping/caravan holidays annually, day trips out, meals out, take aways and make wonderful memories as a family of five. Bigger house, bigger mortgage, we couldn't have done that.

Life is too short. Live it while you can.

SisterNotCisTerf · 11/08/2018 17:51

Who the hell buys a house without finding out where the money will come from beforehand!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 11/08/2018 17:52

Why is he not going on holiday with the rest of the family? Does he opt out regularly?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/08/2018 18:02

Muddling

I hope your memories are a comfort

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 18:04

MuddlingThroughLife

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