To refuse to sacrifice my holidays

[Jackfruitburger]

We are moving into a bigger house next week which will cost an extra £300 in mortgage payments monthly. We are obviously going to have to make some cut backs.
Here's what I think dp should stop;
Buying a bottle of wine 3 times a week
Buying lunch out every day
Here's what dp has suggested we stop;
Holidays (all, even in the UK, camping etc)

I think that what I'm asking is reasonable as it doesn't contribute to the overall happiness of the house. I've already said I'll buy all our clothes secondhand and switch to Aldi/Lidl and we're getting rid of Virgin. I spend 22p a day on my lunch and haven't had a professional hair cut in ten years. I don't want to give up the one bit of happiness I have left!

Agree you already sound frugal.

This is going to be tricky because he isn’t a saver and presumably isn’t fussed about holidays(?)
I think it’s an attitudinal thing.

We both still make packed lunch despite a quite high household income (not being goady). Either leftovers from dinner or things like chorizo roll.
I find it healthier/time saving and BF finds it time saving and like the extra cash.
This saves us about £800-1000 a year each

He was initially a bit resistant but I made really nice lunches and he is a saver at heart so after the first month was on board.
we’ve cashed in the lunches for 3 long weekend city breaks so far this year and still have some budget left (I like good bargains )
Maybe ask him to trial it for a month and the compromise is you make him a nice lunch. While it won’t be 22p it will likely be a saving of £3ish per day so £60 a month.
Let him keep the wine but agree to go for 2 bottles per week under a fiver each (Lidl and also do some decent ones)
Another option is to consider ways to bring in additional income (seasonal work, etc. If you are a teacher could you mark exam papers?)

I get that it’s important to save for the kids/pensions etc but no haircuts, lentil Dahl for tea ( again) and 22p ( oddly specific amount) lunches every day sounds absolutely joyless.
Also, 3 bottles of wine a week is a LOT to drink
Have you got plenty of emergency money - so if the new house needs a new boiler or similar?
Hopefully the extra £300 per month won’t be a problem but is there some way you can still save enough but live a bit too?

Lots of these comments are incredibly unhelpful.

OP I think you need to write a budget with only absolute essentials (food, bills, cheapest possible clothes etc). Out of whatever you have left decide how much you want to save and how much will be reserved for luxuries. I think you should then split the luxury money and each decide what happens with half of it.

It sounds a bit like you're already being very frugal (unless you have huge expenses you haven't told us about) and DH isn't so you're not starting from a fair stating point.

Ach I dunno...on the face of it yanbu but you do sound a tad miserly, dishing up the lentil dahl in order so that you can add to your savings. Sounds a bit puritanical tbh. Life is for the living and tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. And you have been sacrificing from the sounds of it (no hair cuts in 10 years! Secondhand clothes.) And offering to cut down the grocery bill, which will take effort and more time with multiple shopping stops.

His not eating out daily will be a good £100+ per month saved.
3 bottles of wine a week adds up quickly. Even a £5 bottle of wine, racks up to £60 a month, and I bet he spends more.

Those are 'extras' to cut. Your list of cuts is sensible, and his are screamingly obvious ...

I would also start putting money away in case you need it in the event of a split .. he sounds selfish and self-centred, and yes, he wants you to give up the only thing you have left, FAMILY holidays rather than give up drinking and expensive lunches.

From the sounds of it you've already made cut backs on your expenditure, so it does seem fair that he does the same with his.

If you are moving to a bigger house is the council tax more ? Will the heating be more ? Personally, If you can't do a week holiday, I would do some days out. Look on cereal packets they do offers for children go free. Look at www.moneysavingexpert.com for days out and other savings.

I think we need a shared budget and then to give each-other the same amount each month to spend on what we like.

But this still wouldn't really be fair - unless you go on holiday without DH

How much are you saving each month? I agree with PP that it appears you have cut back on everything for yourself and he hasn't. Have you made any attempt to ring fence the large deposit you have made to the house?

Personally I would not be saving if it meant I couldn't have at least one holiday a year, had to buy all my/DC clothes second hand, and was living on rice cakes and lentils

@BewareOfDragons - is dp really "selfish and self centred" or is op just being a controlling martye? perhaps she's driven the move and plunged the family into this situation.

We're in a similar position OP. Although we've just agreed to ban lunches in favour of more holidays. We both agree that holidays as far more important!

We've also got the nursery fees for our 18 month old which are more than our mortgage but like you, as it's only for a set amount of time it makes it bearable!

We've been more regimented and meal planned without cutting down the quality we've managed to drastically reduce our costs. I've saved £200 in one month alone.

We've also taken the decision to buy a tent for the next year or so, and holiday in France, which we love anyway until we no longer have nursery fee pain!

If you are on a temporary (2-3 year ish) strict budget then I would forget about saving for retirement as an immediate concern.

I think you need to work out how much 'spare' money you have after your immediate expenses excluding lunches. Split the rest 50:50. You can spend yours on cup a soup and save the rest (for yourself). He can budget his own spends to see how much wine and takeaway lunches he can get before he runs out. I wouldn't want to sacrifice my holidays so my DP can spend a couple of hundred ££ a month on himself but I wouldn't have cup a soup for a year to get 7 nights in the med with toddlers either.

I can't get over the lack of nutrition in your lunch OP. I think you need to give your frugal head a wobble. There's not much point saving for retirement if due to ill-health you won't be around to enjoy it. Where's the protein, vitamins, minerals and good fats in biscuits, cuppa soup and rice cakes??
It sounds like something a clueless teenager would eat, not an educated mother of two.
Get yourself to a hair salon and splash out £15 on a dry cut and start making nutritious packed lunches for yourself. I couldn't respect someone who didn't look after their own basic needs.

I think you need to work out a budget together so for example £10 a week for lunches might be £1 each per day or you both have your 22p lunch 4 days and splurge £4 on a meal deal on the fifth day. Have a weekly amount for food & wine so say that's £100 and you've got a weeks food for £80 then buy the wine, but if there's a week where the food is more because you've had to top up on store cupboard staples then maybe no wine (or just the one bottle from Aldi). I think you both need to find middle ground so that he's not the splurger and you're not the martyr otherwise that is going to fester and cause bigger problems long term
Second reholidays, you say where you live is beautiful and attracts tourists, could you look into house swaps. I haven't done this personally but it might be a cheaper way of you getting a change of scene & something to look forward to every year.

Why not just sacrifice the family holiday till you get free childcare and then save that for a holiday.

Just hold off on the holidays for a couple of years until children are in school when you will have more disposable income.
Your DH isn't going to change his ways for no one but that's a whole other problem!

I can't get over the lack of nutrition in your lunch OP. I think you need to give your frugal head a wobble. There's not much point saving for retirement if due to ill-health you won't be around to enjoy it. Where's the protein, vitamins, minerals and good fats in biscuits, cuppa soup and rice cakes??
It sounds like something a clueless teenager would eat, not an educated mother of two.
Get yourself to a hair salon and splash out £15 on a dry cut and start making nutritious packed lunches for yourself. I couldn't respect someone who didn't look after their own basic needs.

This. Sounds like OPs partner has got a handle on what's important in life.

Compromise.

One cheap in break away a year, one bottle of wine a week, no lunches out (buying lunch out every day is silly)

If I were coming home to lentil Dahl for dinner, I'd be buying sausage sandwiches for lunch as well!

If it's just a couple of years, I'd knock the savings on the head as a temporary measure tbh. And have the holidays and nice food instead.

YANBU - your different approaches to spending will eventually kill your relationship so it needs addressing now.

You are already frugal - make own lunches, frugal dinners, no haircuts, prepared to compromise on holidays which weren't exactly high spending already.

He's watching you do all of this but wants to still eat his lunches every day, have his clothes, 3 bottles of wine etc. You could save most of that £300 a month just on his lunches (at least £120 and wine -prob £60 as per PP).

It's not about the holidays. Overtime this will grate like fingers down a blackboard.

Needs sorting now.

What strikes me about the 'split the luxuries money and do what you want with it' thing is that the thing you enjoy is something for everyone, including him to enjoy. So why should you put all your 'luxury' savings into a pot for everyone, while he gets to fritter his budget away on stuff that only benefits him? He does sound selfish, to me. I would ring-fence a certain amount for a week's holiday and whatever you end up with you can see what you can get for that money (going abroad isn't necessarily more expensive than going somewhere in the UK btw).

You both need to sacrifice something, so cut down on holidays and he gets too choose between his lunch and a bottle of wine.

Heads up: He might need more wine having to live like this. You are over extended. I would be looking for another solution/move house/increase hours at work

If you cross the channel to have your holiday in northern france, its often cheaper than a UK break and he could bring back so many boxes of cheap wine

No wonder your husband spends money on lunch if there is only cuppa soup and rice cakes on offer.

Regarding OPs nutrition, her partner doesn't sound much better - chorizo sausage rolls and 3 bottles of wine a week don't exactly sound like a balanced diet

I think we need a shared budget and then to give each-other the same amount each month to spend on what we like. I can use it to save for holidays and he can use it at bloody Pret

Totally. This is a great way forward.

I might not be taking him on my holiday tho...