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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to sacrifice my holidays

320 replies

Jackfruitburger · 11/08/2018 08:47

We are moving into a bigger house next week which will cost an extra £300 in mortgage payments monthly. We are obviously going to have to make some cut backs.
Here's what I think dp should stop;
Buying a bottle of wine 3 times a week
Buying lunch out every day
Here's what dp has suggested we stop;
Holidays (all, even in the UK, camping etc)

I think that what I'm asking is reasonable as it doesn't contribute to the overall happiness of the house. I've already said I'll buy all our clothes secondhand and switch to Aldi/Lidl and we're getting rid of Virgin. I spend 22p a day on my lunch and haven't had a professional hair cut in ten years. I don't want to give up the one bit of happiness I have left!

OP posts:
FrayedHem · 11/08/2018 18:08

MuddlingThroughLife Flowers

Clionba · 11/08/2018 18:16

Muddling I'm sure that there were wonderful, happy times. Flowers

AndBabyMakes3 · 11/08/2018 18:44

@MuddlingThroughLife Flowers glad you have those memories.

Plumsofwrath · 11/08/2018 18:46

I don’t have the money because your dad liked a freshly made sandwich every day rather than a homemade one in a lunchbox

Who the hell thinks like this?!!! Calculate the difference in cost over 20 years between the two options. Add it up. Tops, 4 figures (if you’re really lavish). That wouldn’t even make a dent in any housing crisis, and if it did you’d seriously talk of your Dc’s father to them in these terms??! Wow. You must really think you’re amazing, and your DH not.

And do you really think your grandparents got rich because your grandad took a sandwich to work every day??

You are totally losing the wood for the trees. You’re so wrapped up in your parsimonious ways you’ve lost sight of what counts. YABTotallyU.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/08/2018 18:51

@jackfruitburger - I am sorry that I didn’t make it clear in my earlier post, but I DO think your dh is being unreasonable in his unwillingness to compromise.

For me, the best compromise would come from the two of you looking at the budget and, as I said earlier, setting aside the money for the essential bills, then setting a budget dividing up the rest between household food shop, individual allowances and family fun, and then see if you can adjust those a bit to set up a regular amount into savings - some of which could be your buffer if interest rates go up, and some of which could be towards a family holiday - that bit could come from the family fun budget.

But of course this will only work if both partners agree to it and are willing to stick to it, and it doesn’t sound as if your dh would.

Might it be worth suggesting a week’s trial of different packed lunch options for him - using wraps or crusty rolls rather than sliced bread, and some nice fillings that won’t make it soggy, to show him he can have nice lunches without breaking the bank. I might even be tempted to make chorizo sausage rolls for him - a whole ring of chorizo is £2, and if it was chopped up and mixed with ordinary sausage meat, and made into big sausage rolls with ready rolled pastry then baked and frozen, he could have his favourite lunch at a fraction of the cost of the bought ones.

Or maybe buy good sausage rolls from the supermarket - Tesco finest do a pack of 4 really delicious ones - either hog roast, or sausage and cheddar - at about half the price of the one he is buying.

Sorry if this is all stuff you have already thought of - and I do realise that most of what I suggested involves extra effort for you - but if you show him it is a) possible, b) still nice and c) easy, he would have no excuse not to take it over in the longer term.

BarbaraofSevillle · 11/08/2018 18:52

The OP hasn't said what her DP is spending. It could be a tenner a day, plenty of people spend this if they have a coffee or two and a nice sandwich, salad or sushi. Home made would cost about £2, tops

£8 difference x 5 x 50 weeks a year is 2 grand a year (enough for a holiday, to go back to the point of the OP) or FORTY THOUSAND POUNDS over 20 years. Hardly pocket change is it?

Housecoatdiva · 11/08/2018 18:53

Wow your DH isn't daft is he! You take your 2 kids under 3 away for a week and he stays at home enjoying the peace and quiet and actually has a holiday that costs him nothing. My husband is jealous! 😁

1tobleroneplease · 11/08/2018 19:09

This reply has been deleted

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Mummadeeze · 11/08/2018 19:10

Sorry, I am kind of on your partner’s side here. A holiday is one or two weeks a year whereas I get pleasure every single day from buying myself a nice hot lunch from local eateries near work. Looking forward to my nice, varied lunch (eg burrito, noodle stir fry, tagine etc) helps to get me through the morning at work. I would be completely miserable surviving on cuppa soup or on a home brought sandwich. If I had to give up shop bought lunch or holidays I would choose holidays even though I love going on holiday! Everyone is different so you need to see things from his perspective too. Re. the wine, I see it as empty calories and a waste of money but again, it could be a small pleasure that really helps him enjoy his daily life. I know it isn’t helpful but I wouldn’t have moved until one of us had had a pay increase and could absorb the extra cost without sacrificing life’s pleasures.

Tir3dandhungry10 · 11/08/2018 19:32

Before you moved I presume you had £300 a month spare, what happened to this money was it saved ? Saving rates are currently very low

Stirner · 11/08/2018 22:47

Ops done a flounce because not everyone thinks her partner should live on gruel to please her.

Pompom42 · 11/08/2018 22:51

I'm with you op. I think it's selfish to buy lunch out everyday when the whole household is struggling. When you watch those programmes about helping people to save money or afford holidays etc that is one thing they tell you to do, cut out unnecessary things. Just like when people buy themselves a Costa Coffee on way to work and they could save £800 per year or something

whocoulditbe · 12/08/2018 03:24

Buying lunch everyday can be a waste of money, but eating cup of soup and rice cakes is ridiculous. I'm embarrassed for you that you're the biscuit hog at your work.

There has to be some middle ground.

ThunderStruckMuck · 12/08/2018 04:20

I think I'd be a bit more worried about your DH. He is drinking a fair whack. He's either so tired or depressed he's falling asleep with it in his hand. He doesn't want to spend time with you on holiday. Given the choice he's opted to stay home....how's your marriage OP? If you divorce half of that deposit that was yours is going to be his...I'd be spending the money on marriage counselling.

rookiemere · 12/08/2018 08:31

To be fair to the DH he's hardly out buying luxury cars and wining and dining at the Ritz.

He just wants to get his lunch from Greggs ( fairly inexpensive compared to other lunch options) and drink some wine during the week perhaps a bit more than is healthy to drown out the taste of lentil mush for dinner. I tried to get DH to bring in pack linch for a while by making it, but invariably he'd forget to take it or eat it so I gave up. It hardly seems like a hill to die on.

It's really hard to know from the OP if they are genuinely short of funds or if she has an entrenched view of things. Also insisting on a European holiday eating out every night seems odd if you are genuinely so short of funds that you can't afford a decent pack lunch.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 08:35

I think it's selfish to buy lunch out everyday when the whole household is struggling

Struggling but going abroad on holiday?

bananasandwicheseveryday · 12/08/2018 08:57

Although I agree that the amount of wine seems excessive although, as I'm not a huge drinker, even one glass every day seems a lot to me, I am sort of with the Dh here. I have memories of a childhood and teenage years with a parent who cut out all everyday luxuries and cut down on some necessities, like you have with your own lunches, in order to find an annual holiday. At times it was grim - cheap penny-pinching meals, clothes and shoes from jumble sales, no occasional treats, the house being cold because the heating could only be on for a couple of hours a day and only having 1 tank of hot water a day, once it was gone it was gone. When I left home I vowed that I would never do that to myself, or any children I might have. And I have kept that vow. We have always aimed to live comfortably, not extravagantly, day to day and if the money has been available for a holiday, we had one, but often not. Like your Dh, I'm not bothered about holidays - too many memories of living a ridiculously frugal life for 50 weeks of the year in order to find 2 weeks of extravagance. Maybe your Dh feels similarly.

SD1978 · 12/08/2018 09:00

How much does his wine and lunch work out at? Will that alone cover the extra payments? And I'm sorry- but you're moving somewhere that costs and extra £300- and haven't already, preoffer, worked out where the mo way will need to come from, and only now thinking about it? Neither of you should have to give up everything- otherwise it's a daft move for a bigger house with no benefit. There needs to be a compromise made where you still get to enjoy life and not juts live it for a crippling mortgage.

whocoulditbe · 12/08/2018 13:01

@bananasandwicheseveryday I agree with banana. I don't see the joy in eating rice cakes and stealing biscuits just for a few weeks of holiday.

Hooli · 12/08/2018 13:44

You are both at opposite ends of a spending spectrum. He spends too much, you don't spend enough.

If my Mum presented me with a cheque for £20k on my 21st birthday but did that through eating nothing but cup a soups and rice cakes, I'd feel like the shittest child in the world. You can love your kids without sacrificing your health too.

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