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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:07

Now his parents aren't here, and we just have 2 x SIL left they have kind of 'taken charge' if you know what I mean by that.

One SIL is nice and one (this one) is not so lovely. Between them they are running the family show now, and they seem to be making all the decisions.

I have said to dh we need to make our own decisions, it is our choice and I am not being ordered to send money like this.

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 09/08/2018 10:08

If the nephews/nieces are all adults, why can’t you bypass their mother altogether? Why should she know what you’ve sent them? Text them all, let them know you’re moving to e-cards now that everyone’s grown up. And a little something extra added for Big birthdays. Perhaps top-up gift cards for devices, or a cinema ticket.

Cut the CF out of the loop. If she asks her kids about what you’ve sent in the future, and complains to you, just respond ‘oh Doris, I’m sure they’d tell me if there was a problem, we’re all grownups now. I text back n forth with Ella quite frequently so I’m sure it’s all fine’.

Hillarious · 09/08/2018 10:08

With the further information you've given, you must be able to see that you're being taken for absolutely mugs here. Time to stop.

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 10:09

They went on a family holiday to the Seychelles twice (big birthday apparently) and then asked her to lend them thousands of pounds for their new business. I am really sick of it.

Did you lend them money? Shock

Holidays to the Seychelles cost thousands per person, almost as expensive as the Maldives.

PasstheStarmix · 09/08/2018 10:09

Op if they fall out with you over you telling them you’re continuing with cards only as it’s getting too much now that they’re adults than that’s on them not you. Sounds like there’s no pleasing these people anyway so you may as well drop your SIL a text like be following:

Hi X,
Hope you’re well. Sorry about X’s birthday card getting lost in the post, bloody Royal Mail. I will send a replacement card out ASAP. I won’t include any money this time though as have been meaning to stop now that the kids are adults so will just stop from this year. Hope X has a lovely birthday xx

NewPapaGuinea · 09/08/2018 10:09

Wow, you should have a cap that once they reach a certain age (18) they stop receiving money. That way your younger children don't miss out in the way you describe. Sounds barmy that SIL is demanding grown adults receive a mandatory gift.

PasstheStarmix · 09/08/2018 10:09

like this the*

Jaxhog · 09/08/2018 10:09

Stop sending money and put it toward your own children to make up for what they missed from SIL
Unbelievable behaviour by your SiL!

SavannahSky · 09/08/2018 10:10

I find this so odd!

Op, is it cultural?

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:12

All of nieces etc live at home, so I send it to family address.

No, it is not cultural at all, we are bog standard mugs it appears!

OP posts:
Doyenne · 09/08/2018 10:13

I think it's worth you reporting the missing card & money to the post office (as sender you have to, the recipient can't) they won't compensate you obviously but it lets them investigate if they have a problem with someone in the post service opening mail looking for money.

Definitely no more cards with money to adults. I'd be inclined to ignore SIL text if you don't want to create a family argument, if she persists maybe say you've raised a complaint with the post office and leave it at that.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:15

I was thinking I might report it to the post office, as I drew out the money with the post office clerk and then sent it. I have used the PO for years, so I would be very surprised and disappointed if it was them.

OP posts:
MagicFajita · 09/08/2018 10:15

I'd bet that she did receive the money and is trying her luck for more.

Thingsthatgo · 09/08/2018 10:16

I would stop. Do the adult nieces and nephews send you birthday money?! Maybe communicate with them directly rather than go through the SIL.

WowLookAtYou · 09/08/2018 10:17

Gosh, this is ringing some bells for me at the moment. All I can say is, stop it all now. We've had 34 years of it now, and the CF gets worse if you don't challenge it, not better.
We're on the verge of going NC.

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2018 10:18

What should I do at xmas if we see them? Should I take a token gift for each child?

THEYRE NOT CHILDREN!!

Just sayin...

PaulRuddislush · 09/08/2018 10:18

Sorry op but you're giving me the rage, I just want to slap some sense into you.
What does it matter if it causes "a row"? You're being made a fool of.

SequinsOnEverything · 09/08/2018 10:18

Send her a bill for £30 pound for each birthday she's missed for your youngest? Do her children buy them presents? As soon as I was an adult I started buying for my much younger cousins. I asked my aunt and uncle to stop buying for me and they just buy for my children now.

I can't believe how cheeky they are!

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:19

Magic, I thought the same.

My very first thought was that she had got the card and they were trying their luck. You are spot on. I don't know why I just didn't believe her at the time. The last time this happened a few years back at xmas we did send them all replacements.

OP posts:
ChocolateWombat · 09/08/2018 10:20

Time to be a bit more assertive and stop being pushed around.

'Really sorry the card and cash have gone missing. We have decided that with the kids having been adults for many years now, we are going to stop sending gifts and just do cards, as we do for other adult family members.'

It will be up to her what she does and she can do same as you or different.

Do t enter into discussion or apologise for your decision. Just state it. If she argues, reply with;

'We have decided about what we are going to do. All of our nieces and nephews have had gifts from us every year, which we very happy to give and they have been adults for a long time now, so have decided to stop and just send cards. Feel free to make your own choices, but we have decided'

eddielizzard · 09/08/2018 10:20

Awful behaviour. You don't want to cause bad feeling, but just look at the bad feeling she causes! And apparently enjoys since she does it so often.

I'd text back one of the excellent replies on here.

FromNowOn · 09/08/2018 10:21

You do realise that they know you will pay again, and they know all they have to do is kick off about it for you to back down every time.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:21

No adult nieces etc do not send as much as christmas card they leave it their mothers to do that (or not as the case may be) Even though they are more than old enough to do this themselves if they want to. We don't really expect them to, but a thank you card would be nice sometimes.

I appreciate I need to be more assertive, and not just with this.

OP posts:
AntipodeanOpalEye · 09/08/2018 10:22

Sometime keeping the peace is just a code word for enabling bad behaviour. The only power they have is what you choose to give them, and don't think that your younger DC won't realise at some point that the "presents" aren't from her Aunty & Uncle.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:23

You are all absolutely right, we will not be sending another penny.

OP posts: