Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:
Peanutbuttercups21 · 09/08/2018 09:33

Your sil is unhinged

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:33

I have deleted the actual text because it made me so angry every time I looked at it. It was along the lines of: It was Ella's birthday on Saturday and no card from you. Ella is very disappointed can you send her a new one asap.

I replied saying I am so sorry but I sent it as usual and it must have been lost in the post, I hope she had a great birthday. Probably better not to resend another one given the last one was lost.

Her reply was something along the lines of Ella is very upset that she doesn't have a card or birthday money from us, she doesn't have many cousins and I can transfer the money instead

(she is 23 years old and has had a full time job since she was 18!!)

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 09/08/2018 09:34

This woman's got a degree in cheekyfuckery! Shock

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:35

No we never ever get a thank you, ever. We only hear from them if something doesn't turn up!

OP posts:
Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:35

She remembers my eldest dd but not my youngest.

OP posts:
Bezm · 09/08/2018 09:35

Haha! What a Cf!
I'd forward her text to her children, and tell her that from now on you will only be sending cards for birthday and Christmas. Put a lovely smiley face and kiss on the end of the message. Then forget about it.
I've not sent cards even to my nephews and nieces for years! Never mind gifts. I only buy them token gifts at Christmas if I know I'm going to see them. They are all over eighteen!

JustJoinedRightNow · 09/08/2018 09:37

Oh OP you need to just ignore her text. Her poor DD can suffer the misery of not fleecing her aunt. You can keep the money and stop being a pushover.
I am just astounded at this.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:37

My dh now wants to send more money, because he doesn't want a family falling out, but I don't think we should be held hostage.

I am sick of his family taking advantage of us.

OP posts:
TheLadyArmitage · 09/08/2018 09:37

She's missed your young child's birthday every year but is demanding money from you for her ADULT child? 😡

Stop at once! Do not send anything else ever again!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/08/2018 09:37

Is she always so rude and demanding? I can't quite get my head around her text. Very odd thing to say.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/08/2018 09:38

She is a CF. Now is the time to let both SIL know that you are stopping birthday gifts for adult children. Your youngest DD might miss out but you can use the money you are saving to buy her extra gifts on her birthday.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 09/08/2018 09:38

How much money are we talking about?

I can’t decide what would be worse, her quibbling over a fiver or demanding fifty quid.

That’s some brass neck, either way.

MumW · 09/08/2018 09:38

The reply to your SIL should be "I expect you to send me x birthday gifts for all of DC's birthdays that you missed"

Are you sending a large amount or just a token?

CrunchieFriday · 09/08/2018 09:38

Tell her you didn't realised replacing items lost in the post was a "thing" but you're glad she's brought it up.

Ask if she is going to send replacements for all of the presents your youngest didn't get?! Grin

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:38

We used to send 30pounds for each child minimum for xmas and birthdays, when my dh lost his job we reduced it to 20 pounds each.

OP posts:
beetrootbang · 09/08/2018 09:39

You shouldn't be sending birthday money to adults.

I'm 30 and my Nan and Grandad still send me and my cousins (aged 31, 29, 20 and 19) money and all of us feel they should save their money for themselves at this point, we all have our own money.

CrunchieFriday · 09/08/2018 09:39

cross post there Blush

chocatoo · 09/08/2018 09:39

I would simply stop. Just send a nice card. Don’t say anything, just don’t send and ignore texts.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/08/2018 09:39

What does your DH feel about them forgetting your youngest child's birthdays?

HolyMountain · 09/08/2018 09:40

Of course you shouldn't send the money, let's face it they aren't interested in a card, just the dosh!

I'd risk a family fall out but I'm like that.

MaryH90 · 09/08/2018 09:40

Is she possibly keeping this money for herself?

Timeisslippingaway · 09/08/2018 09:40

Stop sending money, phone her and demand she reimburses your youngest for all the missed birthdays. Insists that she sends both your children birthday money untill they are in their 20's. She is a cf who clearly needs taken down a peg or two.

Mammyloveswine · 09/08/2018 09:41

Wtf? I just sent BIL a card this year, he'll moan that we didn't give him.money but he's on twice our combined income, we have a toddler and a baby and I've only just gone back part time after maternity leave. He thinks because he buys for the kids we should buy for him still. He's 27. He can fuck off. Onlu recently stopped the charade of husband and twin brother exchanging 20 quid. Told sil we should just all go out for a meal once a year to cover Christmas n birthday presents for the adults. Obv buy for the kids.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 09/08/2018 09:41

Oh you absolutely have to tot up what your youngest is ‘owed’, deduct the missing twenty quid and invoice her.

Please please please.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:42

My SIL has form for being incredibly materialistic, I don't like her very much I am sorry to say and do everything I can to avoid them.

What should I do at xmas if we see them? Should I take a token gift for each child? It could be embarrassing if they ignore our request stop and make a big show of giving gifts to my children.

By the other way my other SIL agrees with her!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread