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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:26

And yes I am definitely using the suggestions for the next text too.
Good point to text her before the birthdays so when the card arrives minus the money for the next one they won't be surprised and I won't get another horrible message from her.

SIL is very entitled and greedy in every area of her life, so this was always going to come to a head at some point.

OP posts:
ChocolateWombat · 09/08/2018 10:32

And I agree that you should communicate with the kids who are adults.

Perhaps you could send another card (no cash) to the child whose card went missing (send it direct) and wish them happy birthday and add a note at the bottom to say

'Now you guys have all been adults for a good while, we have decided the time is right to stop sending birthday and Christmas money - hope you understand and look forward to seeing you soon'

Only selfish crazy people would think this was unreasonable - be they the SiL or the children.....and if SIL makes a fuss, you really mustn't indulge her.

Absolutely don't apologise and do t get into discussion.

And if you see them at Christmas, you can just wish them a happy Christmas. If the deal is that they give you gifts and everyone gives to everyone, then fine to join in, but if it's just the 'adults' giving then you really don't need to or feel awkward.

jamdonut · 09/08/2018 10:34

God , no, stop now!
Especially as they don't send your kids cards or anything! (I hope you pointed that out!).
21st birthday seems to be the cut off point in our family!
Its up to adult kids to send their own cards!

897654321abcvrufhfgg · 09/08/2018 10:35

My aunts stopped sending birthday money when I turned 18

Loopylou6 · 09/08/2018 10:36

Seriously? I am aghast that you haven't pulled her up on ignoring your children's birthdays etc

Itsnotabingthingisit · 09/08/2018 10:36

I think the SIL's are pocketing the money. Seriously. Now they can see that coming to end.

No adult expects money as a present like this unless it's from their parents. I have a random friend of my mothers who still send me a £10 boots gift card every birthday and Christmas. I'm 48. It's a bit embarrassing but would seem ungrateful if I asked them to stop. I haven't seen this person for about 5 years as well!.

Please do not send another penny, and insist that your DH grows a backbone and stands up to them. If it causes a scene, then it's a scene that needs to be had because they are massively taking advantage.

As I say, I suspect they are keeping the money themselves and that is what is driving this exchange.

ChocolateWombat · 09/08/2018 10:37

I would probably text all of the children directly so they know what you've decided. If there are no more birthdays before Christmas, you could just include a message in a card sent before Christmas.

A good text for all of them might be;

'Hi, hope everything is going well with you. Just so you know, we've decided now is the time to stop sending money/gifts to all of you grown up nieces/nephews who have been adults for a long time now. Hope you understand and know you will always be very special to us. Look forward to seeing you at....'

I would expect sensible adults to reply to this saying they quite understand nd thank you for all the gifts over the years and look forward to seeing you too.

Def good to let them all know individually before the next birthdays.

PorkFlute · 09/08/2018 10:38

Up to you if you still want to send your nieces/nephews money or buy them a gift for their birthdays. I would transfer if you’re doing money though.
Do you usually get SIL a present as I’d definitely be putting a stop to that!

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:40

When she didn't send anything for my youngest one we were in the middle of losing one of the parents, it didn't seem right to make any fuss.
The following year we were dealing with a house move and other stresses so let it go. After that it became too awkward to mention, as she had missed a few years by then. I wanted so much to ask her if she even realised we did in fact have a second child!!!!

OP posts:
BobblyBits · 09/08/2018 10:42

I think this is cultural? As your husband is the brother? I know from a lot of my Asian friends they have major entitled SIL problems!

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:42

In the meantime we get sent family pictures of them in glamorous locations holding cocktails. It is a touch galling.

OP posts:
violets17 · 09/08/2018 10:44

I wouldn't send a replacement card either. Just text with "gosh, that's a shame. I will complain at the post office and text you a copy of the complaint. It should turn up sooner or later."

And then let the dust settle and wait for her to miss your DC's birthday again and say - "great idea SIL; we should all follow your lead. All the birthdays are too much for us too".

CiderwithBuda · 09/08/2018 10:44

Sorry but are you sending actual cash through the post? If so I’m amazed this is the first time it’s gone missing. I didn’t think anyone still did this except my MIL. I have had to tell her many times not to when she has suggested it for DS. She did put a £5 note in a card a year or so ago and he got it but I was amazed.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:45

No we are not asian or doing this for cultural reasons (which would be entirely different) No, there is not a single reason beyond good old money grabbing I think.

Their reasons for carrying on? We don't have a huge family and the nieces etc don't get very much.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 09/08/2018 10:45

'We have decided about what we are going to do. All of our nieces and nephews have had gifts from us every year, which we very happy to give and they have been adults for a long time now, so have decided to stop and just send cards. Feel free to make your own choices, but we have decided'

Exactly this. I’m forever amazed at the twatty nature of some relations on here! Traditionally, you stop sending money once the children hit 18, as I did with my lot, earlier with one set as I never even got a text/message saying it had arrived (abroad) but when checked, it had.

Given she’s forgotten your dc’s birthday entirely, she can shove it. It is ridiculous to still be sending money. When will you stop? When they get married? Never?! Your sil is a very cf demanding a replacement. Are you supposed to double up every time? i think she’s pulling a fast one, tbh.

Leesa65 · 09/08/2018 10:45

You sound kind OP BUT , they are adults, its time to stop money in the card .
Keep your money for yourself or your own DCs .

TheMythOfFingerprints · 09/08/2018 10:45

I just want to remind you that it only becomes a row if you engage in a row.
They can rant and rave, it doesn't require a defensive response Smile

twoshedsjackson · 09/08/2018 10:47

My late uncle/godfather, to the end of his life, dutifully sent me a cheque on my birthday, and it became embarrassing when I was "all grown up" and earning a professional salary. Although he was comfortably off, I really wanted to tell him to treat himself to something nice, but didn't want him to feel I was brushing him off. But I did feel daft sending the thankyou letter telling him what I'd used the money for, and what I did for my birthday.....
So when I started acquiring godchildren I announced at the onset that they would be signed off at 21. (I know 18 is the age when you become an adult, but late teens can be hard-up student stage, or just started earning, so I stick to the old-fashioned age of majority)
So we all knew where we were, and of course I'll do gifts for special occasions like graduation or weddings.
I agree with other posters that a calm statement that we are all moving on to a new stage is appropriate, especially since you suspect they're chancing their arm and hoping for a repeat of the missing Christmas money. I appreciate that it will be uncomfortable (I suspect that what they're counting on......) to stand your ground.
If DH objects, leave him to deal with it. As I've said on another post, too many families still see the social calendar as "women's work", and I wonder if he'll deal with the mental load?

woodhill · 09/08/2018 10:48

Yanbu - definitely should have stopped at 18 unless it is their 21st birthday.

Very cheeky of her

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:48

TheMythOfFingerprints, very true, I will remember that the next time she erupts! Smile

OP posts:
HelpmeobiMN · 09/08/2018 10:48

God, don’t carry on. Sending a card is more than enough at those ages! I wouldn’t remotely expect my aunts and uncles to recognise my birthday in that way.

NewDad2018 · 09/08/2018 10:48

Agreed... drop her like a bad habbit.

PorkFlute · 09/08/2018 10:49

I think now would be a good time to raise your child being forgotten actually. I’d text back and say that their message was really rude especially since you never send anything for X!

Karmaisabish · 09/08/2018 10:50

We stop money in cards at 18. Unless milestone birthday.

KC225 · 09/08/2018 10:51

I am glad you are going to stop. If your SIL is prepared to fall out with her only brother over birthday/Christmas money for adults when you have provided all these years, then is it really a great loss? At least you will know what they think of you 'cash laden envelopes'

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