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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 09/08/2018 09:53

If your dh does insist (and he would be a pathetic fool to do so, just since you are showing him this), then you need to at least text back

"Talk to dh when you are asking for money in future, I am not tolerating this rudeness towards me or younger dd, I will be sending no more cards"

chatwoo · 09/08/2018 09:53

If I were "Ella" I would be horrified that my mother way saying these things to you - assuming that "Ella" didn't actually ask her mother to have a go at you on her behalf...

Keep sending cards, no more cash. It's not for SILs to decide what you give to their over-18 year old children.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:54

Quite frankly I couldn't care less about a family falling out, but they are the only family my dh has left. Parents died some time ago.

OP posts:
LoveInTokyo · 09/08/2018 09:54

To his credit my dh did try and stop a while back (3 years ago more or less) and spoke to both SIL individually, and they were having absolutely none of it.

Shock

It is for the giver to decide whether to give a present or not, not the recipient.

What should I do at xmas if we see them? Should I take a token gift for each child?

I haven't had birthday or Christmas presents from my aunts or uncles since I turned 18. (Or maybe 21? I can't remember.) I still see them at Christmas and they still send me birthday cards (which is lovely) and it is a complete non-issue.

I suspect your SIL is far more worked up about this than any of her adult children are.

Tinkobell · 09/08/2018 09:55

We do not give cash gifts to our grown up nephews now. But we do give wine and chocs at Christmas. It's more grown up and appropriate.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:56

Ella is very much her mother's daughter

They went on a family holiday to the Seychelles twice (big birthday apparently) and then asked her to lend them thousands of pounds for their new business. I am really sick of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:57

Us - not her

OP posts:
Funnyface1 · 09/08/2018 09:57

Why would you even consider sending money to them if they ignore your dc's birthday?

Why would you not point that out to sil in a big way?

I can't understand that.

Floralnomad · 09/08/2018 09:57

I’ve not read the whole thread but my take on giving money / presents to adult nieces / nephews is I would still do so if they reciprocate with a gift on my birthday/ Christmas . I have adult children and they buy for both of their aunties and have down since they were 16+ . Also do not send money through the post .

SimplyPut · 09/08/2018 09:57

I assume my siblings and inlaws will stop DS's birthday presents at either 18 or 21. I have the eldest of the nieces /nephews. It seems ludicrous to send a grown up monetary gifts.

387I2 · 09/08/2018 09:57

If they go twice on a holiday to the Seychelles, they can't be short of money.

ourkidmolly · 09/08/2018 09:57

Are you totally conditioned into this level of stupidity. I know that's rude but seriously? You're sending birthday cash to adults whilst they don't reciprocate to children?!

387I2 · 09/08/2018 09:57

Added: it's a matter of priority... how to prioritise.

OliviaBenson · 09/08/2018 09:58

They see you and your DH as some kind of cash point don't they?

Time to stop being walked all over.

PasstheStarmix · 09/08/2018 09:58

This is the perfect time to tell your SIL you have been meaning to stop with the money with the kids being adults now and will just start it from now so won’t send anymore but will send a replacement birthday card.

FilthyforFirth · 09/08/2018 09:58

Why an earth are you not askong why she doesnt send a present for your DD? I'm not sure I believe this thread...

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:58

I didn't tell my SIL she repeatedly misses my child's birthday because we both found it embarrassing, we would just buy my little one a gift and say it was from uncle and auntie so so.

I am just not especially good at these things if I am honest.

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 09/08/2018 09:59

Ah if they are the only family your dh has maybe he feels some loyalty to cling on. Maybe as the ‘man of the family’ (don’t shoot me just saying how people feel!) he feels an obligation to keep the family together.

But they are cheeky fucks. Show your family disrespect by not even acknowledging your youngest. And expect their adults. Grown adults. Old enough to have their own children. To be subsidised by you. EVEN when your dh lost his job?!

Some family aren’t worth having. Sometimes I think a fallout is a good thing. I hope you can disengage with this bunch

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:00

They are very tricky people, and they have caused so many family arguments we didn't want yet more bad feeling.

OP posts:
ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 09/08/2018 10:01

WTAF? Your DH is being massively unreasonable to even consider this nonsense of a second. Why does he want a family that's effectively pay-per-view? He has his own family (i.e. wife and kids) now.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 09/08/2018 10:03

I'm 43 and I still get money from my Uncle for Christmas and birthday, I didn't realise it was such an awful thing! I wouldn't dream of saying anything if I didn't get anything though, and we always give him and his partner presents.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 10:03

My dh has consistently avoided a family fall out, because he has watched for years if not decades of said SIL falling out with his parents. The last thing he wants is more rows.

So we do it to keep the peace, or we have done rather.

OP posts:
Hillarious · 09/08/2018 10:05

It's great to give gifts to people when they're appreciated (and it's nice to be thanked), but when the gifts are expected, that's quite different (especially when you're not thanked).

My uncle gave me and my DH gifts until we had children, and now the three DC get gifts from him. My mum says she always tells him he doesn't need to, but he says he wants to. I make sure that he's thanked and I also buy him a present at Christmas (even if it's just socks or a bottle of rum), he gets birthday and Christmas cards from us and a visit when we're in his home town. He'd still get the cards and the visits even if the DCs' gifts stopped.

MissusGeneHunt · 09/08/2018 10:05

'They are very tricky people, and they have caused so many family arguments we didn't want yet more bad feeling'.

If they've caused that much hurt, NC. Fuckwittery of the cheekiest sort.

Bad luck OP, being in the middle of it all is awful, but you're well out of it if you just avoid the bloody lot of them.

I hate this kind of shit, pure bad manners and entitlement.

sacredgeometry · 09/08/2018 10:07

Tell her to wise up ! Grown adults dont need to be sending money AT ALL. My grandparents still send me £100 on Birthdays and Christmas and have for the last 20 years - it drives me potty. I have WAY more income than them too.

I buy gifts but never send cash and certainly not to cousins. My siblings have all agreed cards suffice - i do without cards to be honest they are so wasteful - a phonecall is nicer.