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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 09:42

OP, why didn't you stop when they turned 18? Shock

Tell her:

'Given you have neglected to send a card and money for [youngest] since she was 1, please can you transfer 17 x £20 (£340) immediately. That should cover the last 17 years.'

bakingcupcakes · 09/08/2018 09:43

I'd be mortified to still be receiving money from my aunt as a working adult. Your SIL is being ridiculous. We stop at 18 in our family although money is sent as a one off for 21st birthdays aswell.

Paddley · 09/08/2018 09:43

No, no, no. We don't send cards or money to nieces and nephews once they're working. They never send us cards, so we wouldn't want them to feel bad. Wink

TheLadyArmitage · 09/08/2018 09:43

Hi SIL.

My ? year old DD1 has been quite disappointed for the last ? years that she hasn't had a card or gift from you.

Your 'children' are grown up now so we will be stopping sending money / gifts as we did for all of their childhood.

If they would like to visit their cousins then they are welcome to call or text to arrange a visit.

Regards.

(This remains fairly polite but also calls her out on every aspect of her CFery I think...)

SillyMoomin · 09/08/2018 09:43

simples.

Say that you will be more than happy to send Ella the money missing this years birthday- oh, but please can you also send the cards and missing presents for our youngest DC- X number of birthdays x £20 a pop.....

Zoflorabore · 09/08/2018 09:43

Tell her to fuck off. That should shut her up.

KC225 · 09/08/2018 09:44

Absolutely not. Stop at once.

She is so rude. It is not up to her to demand money for an adult. If she lives far away and she doesn't appear to care for you - it doesn't sound like a great loss.

Something along the lines of 'Having discussed your recent email/phone call, DH and I have made the decision to only send cards to our adult the nieces and nephews from now on. It is a shame the last card went missing but a grown woman of 28 will realise that things do happen. We hope she had a lovely birthday'

Weepingangels · 09/08/2018 09:44

I would say you are sorry to hear that. Your dc is equally sad to have never received a card or money. That you agree with money transfers and since x is the (sils) going rate, she can give that to her daughter and transfer your dds less that. So say £20 a go in your SILs opinion then 20×your dcs age minus her dds.

Watch her backtrack.

HolyMountain · 09/08/2018 09:44

They're adults, a token Christmas gift is enough.

Raffles1981 · 09/08/2018 09:44

Sounds like your sister takes the money for herself.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:45

Thank you for all your replies, I am so glad I posted this thread.

I will show the thread to my dh later, and this will give me/us the confidence to stop now. Thank you

OP posts:
CanineEnigma · 09/08/2018 09:46

"It is a shame that DN is upset, but the card we sent may yet still turn up. If it is that big an issue, I'll deduct the amount we sent from the amount youngest DD has missed out on from you over the years, which based on you giving eldest DD £x, works out at about £xy."

WoahBaby · 09/08/2018 09:46

Really? The (adult) kids still need pocket money for their birthday? Stop OP. You've been lovely to remember everyone for so long but it's time to stop. In our family it's once you get to 21,you move over to cards only from extended family.

Returnofthesmileybar · 09/08/2018 09:46

Fuck her and the horse she rode in on, stand up for yourself and your kids

"Hand on a second, I have sent your kids cards every year for almost 30 years and bar one you have missed all off and now one card went missing and you have the absolute nerve to text and demand another for your "upset" 23 year old?? You have some nerve lady, it's not happening, nor are any other future cards. You'd want to have a chat with yourself about your attitude"

You don't like her, she's hard work, she's rude, she treats your kids badly too, fuck her

Awrite · 09/08/2018 09:49

Well, more fool you if you capitulate. A unanimous 'don't send more money' from us should tell you something.

Also, do you see your youngest child as less important than your niece? No? Then why not stick up for her when your sil fails to send a present?

Grow a backbone.

Stalmida · 09/08/2018 09:49

Your SIL is being ridiculous and in no way should you still be giving your adult niece birthday money. It should have stopped years ago. A card is sufficient. She should still be buying for your kids if they're younger but I'm sure you're prepared for that not to happen given her attitude.

My aunts & uncles stopped when I was in my late teens and I thought that was fair.

LoveInTokyo · 09/08/2018 09:49

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

This is a good enough reason to stop.

How much money do you send them, out of interest? A distant relative sent me a cheque for £10 on my birthday religiously every year until they died. When I was 10 (or even 18) that was brilliant. Once I got into my 30s, the hassle of having to go to the bank and cash a cheque and then send a thank you card for £10 was a bit much. Obviously it was lovely that she was still thinking of me on my birthday, but I would have been more than happy with just a card.

Munchyseeds · 09/08/2018 09:49

SIL sounds uttlery mad and a CF....Her children are adults, money/gifts should have stopped years ago

Tinkobell · 09/08/2018 09:50

I'd reply. Dear SIL, I did send the money and frankly I'm dismayed at your undertone which implies that I may not have done so! Your DC's are adults now....I consider that I have a direct relationship with them now on adult to adult basis. We will gift them directly in the future as and when we see fit..,,depending on their needs and the occasion, thank you. Our DC is just x years old and I am by contrast very saddened that you have neglected to gift them at all since their first birthday. Perhaps memory and ageing gets thr better of all of us eventually?! !

OctaviaOctober · 09/08/2018 09:50

The next time one of your dd's birthdays passes without notice from her, I hope you pull her up on it!

And your other SIL probably only agreed to shut her up.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:51

To his credit my dh did try and stop a while back (3 years ago more or less) and spoke to both SIL individually, and they were having absolutely none of it.

They are the same age, and have dc of the same age live within 5 mins of each other, and see each other alot socially (we are never invited)
I get the impression they decided this together and just bulldozed him, he was caught off guard not expecting it to be an issue.

OP posts:
Figlessfig · 09/08/2018 09:51

I used to send birthday and Xmas cards with £100 to niece and nephews. For 21st birthdays I gave them £250, and just cards after that (except for one who was still a student at 21 - he got money until he graduated).

Can’t see why you would give money to a working adult (unless they were in financial difficulty and needed help).

notthisagain83 · 09/08/2018 09:51

"What should I do at xmas if we see them? Should I take a token gift for each child?"

They are NOT children they are grown adults... I would send her a message to say you wish her a happy birthday and that should be enough. Your SIL is CF.

HolyMountain · 09/08/2018 09:52

Cheeky Fuckers only get away with things like this because others let them.

Don't be afraid of a family fall out, embrace it.

PitchBlackNight · 09/08/2018 09:52

Your sil is unhinged

I dunno if she is that daft. 🤔