Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

[deepsea]

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

This is all so very very odd, that we surely must be missing some of the story?
(I haven't rft but lots and all of ops posts).

Why are they so insistent yo give them money? In an ordinary family situation, this makes no sense whatsoever.

Did something happen like your dh got left all the money in their parents will or something?

(Sorry if I missed it, but if there's nothing, then everyone knows this isn't how people behave).

Money in our house is only given on special occasions, weddings, birthday milestones etc. Just say 'Sorry about the lost card, but I am sure it will turn up at some point, however, if it doesn't, say within 3 months or so, let me know and I will make sure that the money is spent on my youngest. You know the one you have deliberately missed out since her first birthday. Have a nice day, see yah'. The end.

Firstly the post office state you should not send money ( cash) through the mail even if it is recorded delivery signed for. If you are going to send anything send a cheque which can be stopped if not received. Secondly - I would stop sending anything to anyone I did once young relative reached 21 especially if I did not get a thank you it happened sooner. They now all get a card for christmas and birthday. I did give them money when they got married / brought their first house but that was the only exception.

Deepsea, I really hope you and your husband have now decided to put a stop to it all, and just get on "stress-free" and enjoy your own lovely family. Please come back and tell us how you finally dealt with it?
Good luck with it all. xx

What did you say when she said she expects this to continue-by bank transfer? Did you mention the fact that she doesn’t even remember your youngest child’s birthday?

Goodness. Sounds like your SIL needs some real problems in her life to moan about. Until then, she'll be making a fuss about trivialities like this I'm afraid.

I get a text from SIL saying she has spoken to nice SIL about the birthday money and they BOTH feel we should continue.

Its not up to them to decide how you spend your own money. Im glad you are feeling stronger, this isnt how family should treat each other. They wont change.

Just go NC! We have a problem with SIL, I told DH I would only meet on neutral territory, IF we really had to see her. Unfortunately, his wonderful parents love seeing the whole family together, so this would upset them. I have agreed I will continue LC with SIL until his parents either cannot join in with family gatherings, or have died.
I would not tolerate her behaviour from friends, why on earth should I feel obliged to because they are family?

Glad you're standing up to them and not taking their crap anymore.

Its awful that they haven't shown any concern for you with your health problems. Hope you heal up well from the surgery and things will be looking up for you physically and mentally.

I was when I read that aren't even as bad as some of the people in your family.

It's probably not the money that's the real issue here. It's the sense that the SIL wants to be able to control other family members.....so, when I click my fingers, you jump. Do tell her very nicely to fuck off. If you can't do that, suggest a backpayment for your youngest of £20 per annum for all the years missed....or maybe you just both agree to Square it off and forget the matter. Don't back down as Tom Petty said!

In our tribe kids get money until they're 18, then it's just cards.

Saves any aggro - can't imagine a 23 year old desperately waiting to shake her cards out....

It seems a shame for the kids to miss out because of their mum. You obviously love them.

Chrys71, they're adults. Don't you think they've probably reached a point where they won't be heartbroken if their aunt doesn't cough up?

Just send a replacement card, no money and leave it at that. Cf demanding money! Stop sending any money.

It seems a shame for the kids to miss out because of their mum

They are nearly 30

They are not children

So many people are wondering why you have allowed yourselves to be held to ransom. Do you feel that you shoukd give them money? Were they left out of the parents' will in favour of a son?
This is not normal, though my 53 yo husband still gets a fiver for Christmas from Auntie Sue!
Only ever see nice SIL. No more Christmas dinners or presents for any of them. Be very wary of when their fully grown up kids start having babies!