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Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
deepsea · 11/08/2018 07:41

For those asking why I send money, they live 150 miles away so we have always done this (the distance suits me fine most of the time) If we see them for xmas then we take gifts instead of money.

My dh is the youngest by 8 years and has been the easy going one staying out of family rows, being on good terms with everyone but this has cost him in the long run. The SILs now seem to be running the show and he is having some trouble standing up to them.

So I have done it instead.

All night I dreamt of sending her a text telling her just what I think of her, you should not be encouraging me people!!!!! Grin

It is CF central in my family trust me. The fur will fly!

OP posts:
HolyMountain · 11/08/2018 07:58

Let that fur fly, you will feel so much better for it Smile.

twiglet · 11/08/2018 08:00

My Aunty still sends me a cheque every birthday and Christmas I'm 32...... I haven't cashed any in years and said to her she doesn't need to but my mum does the same with my cousins.

Keep standing your ground! If you're 23 Yr old niece is upset about £20 then she needs to learn to be a adult!

Personally I wouldn't engage with her or reply at all it will serve 2 purposes 1. Doesn't give her ammunition 2. Often not replying annoys people more a message like that doesn't warrant your free text allowance!

ChasedByBees · 11/08/2018 08:02

I do think asking her why she’s sending demanding texts requesting money when she’s never sent anything for your youngest wouldn’t be unreasonable.

TeddybearBaby · 11/08/2018 08:18

I’m desperate to know if you’ve text her yet?!

Thatsnotmybookworm · 11/08/2018 08:35

Honestly OP; it sounds like the sisters decided years ago that their successful single brother wasn't going to have children and was going to be the proverbial goose with the golden egg for their children in perpetuity. Sounds like they are seriously pissed off that it hasn't worked out like that!
Well done you for finally standing up to it Smile

MITCHELL33 · 11/08/2018 08:48

I told brothers and sisters to stop giving mine gifts at 21 all happy with that.If you really feel the need to send money do it by cheque then when you have seen it cashed you could text [if you have not had a thanks} saying something like " see you got the birthday gift}.However I personally would not give them FOOK all as SIL is taking liberties plus " was the card lost or has she pocketed the money"?

zippey · 11/08/2018 08:55

As her children are now adults why don’t you miss out the middle man and speak/text the children themselves? Maybe they are more reasonable.

Underappreciatedtococreator · 11/08/2018 08:59

Bet she is pocketing the money.

Steveoflincoln · 11/08/2018 09:40

Presents/gifts or money are for children not adults.I stopped at 18 for family members , text only now or social media. As for my own they get a card and maybe a treat, lunch, dinner, drink etc. When you become a adult you get treated as such.

Gildedcage · 11/08/2018 09:52

Steve do you not buy gifts for your children? Purely out of curiosity.

Proseccoagain · 11/08/2018 09:59

The only ones I send to in my family are my niece's children because she always makes sure they send a thank-you. None of my other nieces, nephews ever did, so I stopped sending to them.

Snipples · 11/08/2018 10:01

I wouldn't send another card and I wouldn't continue to send money. She is a CF.

I think from the tone of her text that she doesn't believe that you sent it in the first place and perhaps thinks you were being passive aggressive by saying it got lost and is trying to call you out on it. Just how it reads to me.

Either way - same result, no money is coming.

botoxbeckons · 11/08/2018 10:19

I know from personal experience that when you're stuck in deeply entrenched patterns of behaviour within a family, the fear of a nuclear-grade fallout on the part of those 'in control' can be make it difficult to step back and see the situation as a rational adult.

The PP who defined family vs blood relation had it spot on - you need to get your DH to reframe his perspective on his sisters (both of them) in that context.

You, your husband and your poor kids gain NOTHING from your toxic interactions with these awful people. All they do is give you emotional turmoil and blatantly siphon your money. You wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else, so why put up with it because there are a few strands of DNA involved?!

Free yourselves and take away the burden on your girls of maintaining this pretence that relatives are people we need to associate with regardless of their behaviour.

Having done it myself, going NC with CF extended family is not something I'd advocate lightly, but in this case I just can't see anything whatsoever you'd stand to lose. Trust me, once you're over the initial shock and readjustment, you'll feel so much lighter and more at peace. And your DH will realise he's been dragging a concrete block behind him for years - it's only when you stop that you truly understand how heavy and difficult it was. Good luck!

FASH84 · 11/08/2018 10:24

My family stop with proper gifts at 21, we buy for the immediate family at Christmas but nothing too extravagant and DB and I mutually agreed not to bother with birthday gifts a few years ago (including each other's spouses) although we both exchange gifts with our parents, we buy for DN and they will buy for our baby. Sending cash gifts to adults in their late twenties and thirties is madness.

riceuten · 11/08/2018 11:59

I wonder if she's short and has been helping herself to the money?

gordan · 11/08/2018 12:49

I totally agree . Never send any money in the post.

Hadalifeonce · 11/08/2018 12:55

I stopped sending presents/money to my nieces and nephews after their 21st birthdays. I continue to send a card/facebook message.

We had several cards with money in go missing for my DCs (much younger) I wouldn't dream of demanding a replacement. (In fact complained to Royal mail one year as 3 cards disappeared, they found the thief! )So my vote is NO do not send replacement. By all means send a note saying you are disappointed that the card did not get there for the birthday.

BestZebbie · 11/08/2018 13:04

Bear in mind that you haven't heard from the adult child directly and they may also be embarrassed by their mother's behaviour (if they knew). They may not even be that bothered by not getting money any more if they are earning their own wages and it is a token amount.

shabbyshibby · 11/08/2018 14:11

I would tell her to get fucked

1forAll74 · 11/08/2018 14:14

Its just ridiculous ! stop sending the money from now on, if this kind of issue would cause a family rift, well what can you say, but odd ball people. You should not send money in the post really, unless its registered envelope stuff, and also the price of postage stamps is high now, all adding to the money situation.

Gemini69 · 11/08/2018 14:23

Did you sent the Text OP Grin

I'm rooting for you guys Flowers

hungrypanda2008 · 11/08/2018 14:36

I rarely send presents to any of my nieces or nephews and they range from 24 to 4. Nothing ever said. My siblings have probably bought more for mine. However, My Godmother sent me a Xmas and b/day pressie up until this year and I'm 46. Always felt I never gave anything in return and therefore her cards and presents really meant something but they were never expected. Her children are probably not expecting it. I would just ignore it and carry on as though nothing has happened. If she brings it up again in a phone call I'd brush it off with a laugh saying I'm sure at their age they don't want my money. But it depends on how much she's annoyed you over the years

Daisydrum · 11/08/2018 20:23

@deepsea I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this CF for many years. I understand why you sent the cards and money. The thing that hurts the most is your DD2 having missed out on 8 years! Yet your SIL has the nerve to request you send a replacement asap! She can jog on! We have a friend who has a family like this and we are now his family! The love is the same and there is actual support and appreciation.
The SIL excuses of that it’s a small family and so her grown up children don’t receive much is a joke! Her 23yr old has two grown up siblings who I would assume now but her a birthday present. And if she is in a relationship she would now get a present from them too as she is an adult. Also she would have adult friends who might but her a present. This is why aunties and uncles phase it out as the different phases in children’s lives.
I am glad you and DH have decided enough is enough! You are your own family now! Best wishes to you all and big hugs to your girls xx

Daisydrum · 11/08/2018 20:26

Oh OP I reckon your SIL convinced the “nice” SIL that it should keep going hence why she then sent the text saying “both” have decided.
Please send this to your SIL. And end each message with ‘Youre Welcome’

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