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AIBU?

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Original poster

When a stranger asks to hold your baby...

232 replies

Katrina12 · 09/08/2018 03:23

Met a friend for coffee and cake this afternoon with my 8 month old... DS is very friendly and sociable and the lady serving our table took quite a shine to him. She kept 'popping back' to check we were ok and to smile and wave at DS. I am very sociable myself and as DS is such a smiler I often getting chatting to people out and about which I am more than happy to do... however, this lady wouldn't leave us alone and persisted to keep coming back for well over an hour. Not only was this annoying as I had not seen my friend in months (who had driven for over an hour to see us), but I was trying to feed DS and she kept distracted him which eventually led to a meltdown in the middle of the cafe. Finally as I was picking him up from his high chair to put him in his pram she came over and held her hands out and asked if she could hold him... I found this totally inappropriate. In my shock my mind went absolutely blank and I rather abruptly just blurted out 'no you cannot' - I am usually a very polite easy going person, but I was so shocked by her request and I guess instinct just kicked. AIBU to feel this was an inappropriate request of this woman? What would you have said/done?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 09/08/2018 17:59

“Yes I do because every single day in this shit world full of arseholes, a child is abducted or it’s attempted. I’m hurting nobody’s feelings by saying no.”

Do you mean worldwide?

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 18:02

Yes I do because every single day in this shit world full of arseholes, a child is abducted or it’s attempted. I’m hurting nobody’s feelings by saying no.

I know two kids who’s parents are like you.

They can’t do anything for themselves and still shit themselves when someone smiles at them and panics without their mother.

They’re 22 and 20.

MeAgain91 · 09/08/2018 18:06

Wow, so many qualified therapists here today! Thank you for worrying about me but I’m perfectly fine. I’m cautious of strangers who want to touch my baby and listed reasons why. I’m not scaremongering as these instances aren’t applicable to everyone - so that doesn’t actually work. As I had already explained it seems environmentally influenced. If it’s not happened near you or to you then you wouldn’t be cautious. It’s happened near me far too often so I am cautious. Make sense?

Senac32 · 09/08/2018 18:06

I haven't read the whole thread so don't know if this has been mentioned:
It wouldn't have worried me, but if the baby has been screaming for some time and won't be comforted, I would have been only too glad Smile.

MeAgain91 · 09/08/2018 18:09

“This world” is worldwide, yes.

How unfortunate for them. My kids are happy to smile and chat (the one who can speak) to friendly people who want to say hello. I’m always friendly and polite to non threatening strangers (a lot are genuinely threatening I live in an awful area, crime hotspot) and yet I was raised in the same way.

I think it’s important to know that you can socialise without touching.

MeAgain91 · 09/08/2018 18:10

I don’t tell my kids that people are going to abduct them ffs 😆 I’m just cautious of who touches them

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 18:10

a lot are genuinely threatening I live in an awful area, crime hotspot

I suppose that makes a difference. Where I live it’s mainly old people and other people with kids!

MeAgain91 · 09/08/2018 18:17

Absolutely I’ve said twice it’s environmentally influenced. I can imagine that being quite nice not having to worry! I never once said anyone else was wrong and I gave local examples of why I’m personally cautious and that’s reason enough to have my mental health questioned.

Mammyloveswine · 09/08/2018 18:19

Stylishmummy I missed the post saying the sign was for a premature or sick baby, which I did say was of course understandable!

I shouldn't have skim read, I admit that. I thought it was just a general "do not touch my baby sign". It was wrong of me to not read the previous post but i did say it was perfectly acceptable and understandable for prem/poorly babies? So no "rightious indignation" on my part.

I do think I would be a bit Hmm At a parent having one of these on a pram for a healthy baby though!

Like I ALREADY said I do think it's perfectly justified for a pram baby.

Maelstrop · 09/08/2018 18:32

Are some of you incapable of using google, ffs?

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-37504781

MeAgain91 · 09/08/2018 18:39

Maelstrop thank you I was just looking at that. It’s awful.

TeachesOfPeaches · 09/08/2018 18:42

I let strangers hold my baby, it was nice and I've held a stranger's baby on the train while a woman struggled off the train.

ParkheadParadise · 09/08/2018 18:48

It says in that link the average age of attempted abduction is 13Hmm.

ScattyCharly · 09/08/2018 18:56

A stranger continually re-interacting with you for over an hour when you are busy with your friend and your baby is inappropriate behaviour. This is why you were uncomfortable.

You were right not to hand over your baby, due to the fact that this person had behaved inappropriately for whatever reason.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/08/2018 19:00

Mr Lightman said: "There is a need to be vigilant - to be careful and educate your children of the dangers - but also the need to ensure that there's a balance.
"Remember that they [abductions] are very rare. You can closet children too much."

Also from that link.

MeAgain91 · 09/08/2018 19:06

Yep I read that too. But someone literally had their baby taken while she was paying for her shopping 10 minutes from me in a place I’m often in.

I behave the way I do because of the risk of threat in my situation.

Others behave the way they do because they do not perceive threat in their situation.

Both of these are fine, and as much as a good debate is healthy for the mind nobody is going to change their parenting style based on this thread because we’re all mums just doing our best. The only person at risk of being hurt is someone may get slightly offended at not holding your baby. And that’s fine too.

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 09/08/2018 21:28

It depends where we are and the impression I get of the person. A much older lady last week picked my 3 year old up and was fussing over the baby and older girls in my local fabric shop. Both my daughter and I were slightly shocked but it was evident that she meant no harm and was just happy being around the children. Same goes in our local play centre, if somebody (usually another mum or gran) is fussing over the baby and the baby doesn't mind their attention I don't mind. I am slightly OTT about hygiene though so if they seem scruffy (for want of a better word!Blush) or are obviously full of a cold or whatever I am quite comfortable saying no.

Booboostwo · 09/08/2018 22:21

Given the high risk of harm from high accidents, yes of course you should avoid the roads Meagain. You should live at the end of a bridle way in the middle of nowhere and homeschool so your DCs don’t come into contact with cars. Otherwise you take exaggerated measures to protect your DCs from a tiny risk but ignore a huge one.

Smallhorse · 09/08/2018 23:22

You’re not in Scotland I take it

Beautifulblue · 09/08/2018 23:43

I agree it does feel a bit awkward. We went on holiday to Cyprus & a guy working at the Taco Bell we were eating at asked if he could give our DD A KISS!!!!? Hmm wtf? No. Why would you wanna kiss a strangers baby? Another time a waited just picked her up as she was toddling passed him & just kissed her on the cheek - she looked so shocked & wary bless her. I just took her back & gave him an odd look. Wish I had the balls to say something. It's not about thinking everyone's a danger/pedo but if someone randomly kissed you on the cheek you'd be like oh fuck no... right!? Babies personal space should be respected to - especially by total strangers! Feel you OP.

Yogagirl123 · 10/08/2018 07:19

I absolutely love babies, but I wouldn’t dream of touching another mothers baby, without being asked.

My DS was always alarmed by unfamiliar faces and would scream if they didn’t get their face away from the pram!

YANBU OP, you just wanted lunch with your friend and baby, the attention you received was intrusive, however well meaning.

Timeisslippingaway · 10/08/2018 08:17

I knew 2 sister's when I was younger who had very very beautiful light bonde hair. They told me when they went to Spain (Well I think it was spain) on holiday, the locals all believed they were good luck and they would touch them a the time, just on the head but still!

Timeisslippingaway · 10/08/2018 08:39

MeAgain91

I was on a thread recently where people refused to believe that children were abducted more than once a decade. They also said kidnappers wouldn't be just snatching children, they would be very nice to them to gain their trust and persuade them to come with them. On hear they have said the opposite!.
They also refuse to believe that strangers wpuld assault or harm children in crowded places, look at Jimmy Savile, you think he's the only one of time disgusting kind?
I it completely ok for someone to refuse to hand over their child, it's their fucking child!
Whoever said OP should take her child back to the cafe and let the waitress have a hold and make up a story about why she said no, get a fucking grip!

Lethaldrizzle · 10/08/2018 08:42

Stealing a baby whilst you're standing there is a pretty rare occurrence. Certainly not a danger worth worrying about!

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2018 09:02

"MeAgain91

"I was on a thread recently where people refused to believe that children were abducted more than once a decade"
Well, the abduction of babies is even less frequent than that. The abduction of babies from a cafe by a stranger in broad daylight in the presence of a parent? I am prepared to go out on a limb and say that has never happened.

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