When a stranger asks to hold your baby...

[Katrina12]

Met a friend for coffee and cake this afternoon with my 8 month old... DS is very friendly and sociable and the lady serving our table took quite a shine to him. She kept 'popping back' to check we were ok and to smile and wave at DS. I am very sociable myself and as DS is such a smiler I often getting chatting to people out and about which I am more than happy to do... however, this lady wouldn't leave us alone and persisted to keep coming back for well over an hour. Not only was this annoying as I had not seen my friend in months (who had driven for over an hour to see us), but I was trying to feed DS and she kept distracted him which eventually led to a meltdown in the middle of the cafe. Finally as I was picking him up from his high chair to put him in his pram she came over and held her hands out and asked if she could hold him... I found this totally inappropriate. In my shock my mind went absolutely blank and I rather abruptly just blurted out 'no you cannot' - I am usually a very polite easy going person, but I was so shocked by her request and I guess instinct just kicked. AIBU to feel this was an inappropriate request of this woman? What would you have said/done?

[Katrina12]

GreatDuckCookery - yes possibly overreacted, I suppose that's the reason for my post to unpick and understand the situation as it's left me feeling uncomfortable on one had and guilty on the other. She was definitely irritating me, although i don't think my reaction was out of frustration; I momentarily felt a pang of nervousness in the pit of my stomach before I responded. She obviously couldn't read (or ignored) the social cues, and I am just as bad responding so bluntly...

[MrSpock]

this situation felt a little different. I absolutely chat to the locals around my home town and particularly the elderly who seem to enjoy saying hello to him and I quite enjoy speaking to them myself. This is the first time I've felt quite so uncomfortable... but then again a strangers never asked to hold him before

I remember when he was first born, I used to lock the pram every time I stopped because I thought someone would “steal” him because he’s so gorgeous lol! So I understand why it might seem alarming, for me that wore off quite quickly but it’s dofferent for everyone. I don’t think any harm was meant, at least I’d hope not.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Don't beat yourself up OP. The lady sounds like she doesn't read situations very well but that could be for many reasons I guess.

No harm was done. I don't think she had any sinister reasons for wanting a quick cuddle with your baby though but at the end of the day he's your baby and you get to say who holds him and who doesn't.

[SpectacularAardvark]

Well done for having the balls to say No, OP. I used to hate this and felt thoroughly uncomfortable with it, I wish I'd stuck up for myself more when my DC was little.

[NationalShiteDay]

I've had similar and struggled with knowing what was best. For me it was the other mums outside DDs swimming class. It was clearly a massive PITA to juggle a newborn whilst trying to change and shower DD after her class. The mums waiting for the next class offered to hold and coo over the baby.

I genuinely needed the help and accepted it, but it felt a bit wrong.

Since the first time though they've done it every week for me and I've grown to greatly appreciate their help. Takes a village etc.

Bit different to random strangers in a cafe though. I've happily held him for older ladies to stroke, as they've asked and looked thrilled.

[LizzieSiddal]

I think your case is slightly different as the lady had previously annoyed you by coming over constantly while you were trying to chat with your friend. That would have annoyed me too. (Dh once came home from a two week work trip and we decided to go for lunch in a pub, the barmaid decided to come and sit with us while we ate!)).

So I can understand why you said no. On the whole if you don’t want someone to hold your baby that’s fine, and you have every right to say no, sometimes it is helpful though!

[strawberrry]

I remember once walking my newborn out in his pram, he was 2 months premature but only 4 weeks by this point. Born at 4lb but 5.5lb by the time this happened.

A dog walker shouted something incomprehensible to me, as I stopped confused, she ran over and thrust her hands (dog poo bag inc) into the pram all over my tiny little preemie, squeezing his cheeks etc. I was absolutely gobsmacked and burst into tears as she ran off! Probably hormones mixed with shock! The whole thing lasted about 10 seconds but I've never forgot it! Utter nutter. Thought she was running over to tell me I'd dropped something.

[Excited0803]

My baby wasn't premature and I still don't want random people's grubby mitts on his face and particularly his hands (that will be in his mouth every few seconds). Actually, sometimes I don't mind, particularly old ladies who I'll let coo over him and touch him; if asked I can think of some I would have let hold him except he's a bit heavy now. The main difference is probably as simple as people asking me first. It's always shocking when someone dives into him without asking, honestly my instinct is to physically attack them (I haven't of course... yet).

I told the story on a similar thread recently about the woman who dived in and touched my baby's face right after he had norovirus. It was true at the time, but I think is useful for making strangers recoil: "please don't touch him, he's had norovirus and is still infectious.".

[ethelfleda]

It's an odd one. I think it was fine to react as you did as it is your baby.

I thought I would be like this when I was pregnant. But then DS came along as he has had people stroke his cheek and once a waitress in a cafe asked if she could hold him. I let her as it actually didn't bother me And it made her day. Same with people wanting to say hello to him - I usually stop and let them as I think it is good for DS as well to interact with people. He wasn't premature though so I totally get that...

[StylishMummy]

@GreatDuckCookery yes LIVID.

With a baby that may need to be readmitted to PICU for the slightest infection- I don't tolerate strangers pawing at my baby.

Children aren't public property, smiling and cooing at a baby is one thing but why the need to touch? Bodily autonomy is taught to children so why the hell does this not apply to vulnerable babies.

[MrSpock]

How was anyone supposed to know your baby was prem?

My son was in NICU and nearly died. I don’t expect everyone to know that by looking at him!

[MrSpock]

That’s for StylishMummy

[BertrandRussell]

Yes of course there are children who shouldn't be touched because they have health issues. But for babies in good health, I think bringing them up thinking that other people are dirty and dangerous and shouldn't be engaged with is a bad thing.

[Tulipsinbloom]

Ugh she sounds annoying, i'd be very annoyed that she kept interrupting while you were trying to feed him. My son is the same age and once he is distracted from his food, he's a nightmare. I'm trying to imagine this happening to me, I think I'd just say 'aw no, he's grand where he is'

[Timeisslippingaway]

I get annoyed when people do this for 5 mins so I don't know how you managed to put up with it for an hour!. I don't think you did over react to be perfectly honest, you should have told her to f off about 45 mins before that happened.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

And how on earth was this woman expected to know your baby was premature Stylishmummy?

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

And stroking her cheek is NOT pawing her.

[DarklyDreamingDexter]

When I went on holiday to Hong Kong and Thailand when my daughter was 11 months old, this happened a lot. People in shops, restaurants, hotels and all sorts asked to hold her. She was a gorgeous baby - always smiling, with golden blonde curls - we were treated like superstars wherever we went! I felt a bit awkward about it at first, but people were just being friendly. One waitress actually ran off with her to show the kitchen staff!! I was a bit about that, but she did come back! I don't blame you for your reaction though, I guess it was just a gut instinct.

[sirmione16]

I work in a restaurant and am the most child friendly member of staff, however I'm conscious not to be over powering - as that lady who served you should've been. It's inappropriate to basically harass a customer.

On a lighter note, I've got a few families that I've built strong connections with as regulars through the children, one I even now babysit on a ad hoc basis and have done for nearly 2 years, plus I've built rapport enough with one couple who's baby was restless and they just wanted to eat their desserts, and I said "would you like me to hold him and keep him amused whilst you finish puds?" But I'd NEVER take a child off his parents or just whip them out their high chair

[Booboostwo]

DD was a terribly needy baby so for everybody’s sake I never gave her to anyone. She would howl and cry even if held by people she knew so god knows what she would have done with a stranger.

DS was the most laid back baby ever. He would go to anyone, smile and charm them. Countless waitresses have held him and enjoyed him.

With both children I went with what the baby’s personality dictated. I never worried that anyone was about to abduct them or harm them in some way.

[cloudyweewee]

Her constantly coming over and interrupting would have also annoyed me. I seem to have the opposite problem with babies, though. I don;t have any DC but like most people, will have a coo at a cute baby. Howeverm on several occasions lately I have eneded up with a baby in my arms and not quite known what to do. I'm always scared they'll start to sense my inexperience and start to howl!

[Petalflowers]

I think that’s a little weird as well, especially as it was obvious you were getting ready to leave.

I’ll only offer to hold a baby if it’s someone I know, or if the mum was struggling for any reason. I wouldn’t just ask a random stranger because the baby was cute.

[Timeisslippingaway]

It's not always about being worried that someone is a child abductor or a dangerous psychopath. Like someone else said, babies are not public property and they are not there to be used for other people's amusement. Would you let a stranger pick your 3 year old up? Why is it different for babies?

[StylishMummy]

@MrSpock & @GreatDuckCookery did you both choose to ignore my original post where I said we have a red sign hanging on her pram saying 'please don't touch me in premature'

It's bright red with a huge hand with a line through it, it's not difficult to understand. Stroking her cheek could land her back in hospital so I don't care if I sound rude, STOP TOUCHING OTHER PEOPLES BABIES WITHOUT FUCKING ASKING.