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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When a stranger asks to hold your baby...

232 replies

Katrina12 · 09/08/2018 03:23

Met a friend for coffee and cake this afternoon with my 8 month old... DS is very friendly and sociable and the lady serving our table took quite a shine to him. She kept 'popping back' to check we were ok and to smile and wave at DS. I am very sociable myself and as DS is such a smiler I often getting chatting to people out and about which I am more than happy to do... however, this lady wouldn't leave us alone and persisted to keep coming back for well over an hour. Not only was this annoying as I had not seen my friend in months (who had driven for over an hour to see us), but I was trying to feed DS and she kept distracted him which eventually led to a meltdown in the middle of the cafe. Finally as I was picking him up from his high chair to put him in his pram she came over and held her hands out and asked if she could hold him... I found this totally inappropriate. In my shock my mind went absolutely blank and I rather abruptly just blurted out 'no you cannot' - I am usually a very polite easy going person, but I was so shocked by her request and I guess instinct just kicked. AIBU to feel this was an inappropriate request of this woman? What would you have said/done?

OP posts:
Original poster
Katrina12 · 09/08/2018 12:35

Ahhhh, I read berts initial comment, but didn't recognise the name as PP by the time
I got to the second comment. Indeed that seems far less personal and creates an entirely different context... Standing corrected

OP posts:
Original poster
Katrina12 · 09/08/2018 12:43

MeAgain91 - I have suffered with anxiety in the past. I often find it difficult to know whether my reactions (usually internalised) are appropriate to a situation or whether they are due to my underlying issues with anxiety. I didn't mention this in my initial post as I was interested to hear people's opinions when this wasn't considered a factor.

I wish I had politely addressed the issue earlier with hindsight... as a PP said, perhaps saying something along the lines of well let you know if we need you

OP posts:
Pressuredrip · 09/08/2018 12:48

You were really rude. I've often asked steabgers to hold mine and oblige if people ask too, I think it's good for the children even if not always convenient. I wonder if it's a coincidence that none of my 4 children have been clingy and happy to go to anyone?

Original poster
Katrina12 · 09/08/2018 12:56

Hi PressureDrip. That's lovely your children aren't clingy... my DS is a v confident happy little boy too and not at all clingy/shy either. I personally don't think for us this incident will correlate to clingyness as I often (and happily may I add) chat to people we meet out and about, DS happily spends time with family members and always has cuddles with my friends

OP posts:
Original poster
Katrina12 · 09/08/2018 13:08

As a side point to your comment pressuredrip... while I am very happy that my DS is so confident and friendly when we go out and about, I personally wouldn't want him to ' go with anyone'. Close friends and family yes, strangers no. What if he got out of my sight as a toddler in a supermarket and went with the wrong person?

We all know that the vast majority of people are decent, but there are also one or two abhorrent people around...

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 09/08/2018 13:18

If someone grabbed your phone off the table, or your watch from your wrist you’d jump up and shout either to stop or for help. Neither of those things are a tenth as precious as my children so yes, if someone picked them up without my express permission I would absolutely go ballistic. The world is a nasty place and a stranger’s feelings are nowhere near as important as my child’s wellbeing or safety.

This

Original poster
Katrina12 · 09/08/2018 13:36

Thanks everyone for your comments. In conclusion... I think it was a bit rude of me and I could have handled the situation in a better way. I don't think I would ask to hold a strangers baby as wouldn't feel appropriate for me... but there's no universal consensus on this, so each to their own. I think I've picked up a few ideas of things say if needed in the future. Thanks to one and all, now I'm off out to enjoy the rest of my day with DS, peace xx

OP posts:
MeAgain91 · 09/08/2018 14:07

OP try not to dwell on it too much, I’m sure she didn’t take too much offense as most people understand the maternal instinct to protect your babies. I once asked a little girl of about 3 if she had lost her mum as she wasn’t in sight and then the Mum came and had a right go at me for talking to her. I understood completely! Although I wouldn’t personally have left her if course.

I had a woman touch my 2mo face in Asda just after rooting round her purse to pay. I saw her coming and stepped back (he was in the sling) and I said “no thank you!” She stepped forwards and did it anyway! She was old so I didn’t tell her off and just gave him a good wipe down and then bathed him at home. But I’m even more protective now.

Also my kids aren’t clingy, nor have they ever been taken by strangers.

TigerlilyMoon · 09/08/2018 14:53

"If someone grabbed your phone off the table, or your watch from your wrist you’d jump up and shout either to stop or for help. Neither of those things are a tenth as precious as my children so yes, if someone picked them up without my express permission I would absolutely go ballistic. The world is a nasty place and a stranger’s feelings are nowhere near as important as my child’s wellbeing or safety."

THIS. Always this. Carrying on with the phone theme it's like someone you don't know asking to borrow your phone (times a million of course!)... If I feel in any way uncomfortable with it then it's not gonna happen. They need to be prepared to be told no. I'd rather they think I was being a dick than put my whole life in the arms of someone I don't know.

BertrandRussell · 09/08/2018 15:05

You do know that phones are stolen all the time and babies aren’t don’t you? It’s a crap analogy!

BertrandRussell · 09/08/2018 15:06

“She was old so I didn’t tell her off and just gave him a good wipe down and then bathed him at home.”
An old person touched your baby so you bathed him? Ffs!

dottypotter · 09/08/2018 15:39

Honestly what is the matter she was being friendly its a compliment to your baby she wanted to hold him.

Go back and let her and say you were in a hurry the other day spread some happiness around anyone would think she wanted to hit him/her.

StylishMummy · 09/08/2018 15:48

@Mammyloveswine I dearly hope you never have a premature child who's so prone to being sick it could kill them.

Fuck off with your righteous indignation.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/08/2018 15:51

There's some "highly strung" posters on this thread that's for sure.

StylishMummy · 09/08/2018 15:51

@GreatDuckCookery highly strung or good parents protecting their children?

ParkheadParadise · 09/08/2018 15:55

When Dd2 was born. We took her to see my mum in the care home. Everyone had a cuddle and staff took her upstairs so the residents could see her.
It actually made their day to hold a baby.
I've never had a problem with strangers talking or touching my Dd's.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/08/2018 15:55

So if you're laid back you're not a good parent?

MeAgain91 · 09/08/2018 16:00

It’s a crap analogy that a stranger wants to take something important without consent? Also unfortunately yes children are stolen every day so I’m not sure of your point.

Babies have baths sometimes, crazy I know. A woman whom I didn’t know and smelled of cigarettes, touched money handled a thousand times by people she didn’t know and put it through a self service machine touched by a thousand people she didn’t know and then touched my tiny baby near his mouth so yes I’m gonna wash him? Or are you of the type who think letting babies get the cold sore virus is “building immunities”?

A few years ago a woman took her eyes off a shop near me and somebody leant into her pram, cut her baby’s face and disappeared. No reason. Never caught and permanently disfigured. Last year a man suddenly grabbed a Mum’s pram with her daughter in it and legged it out of the shop. Bystanders eventually caught him, the security wasn’t interested as it wasn’t the shop’s stock he’s taken and the police gave him a warning. Why, when these people are around, would I give the most precious part of me to a stranger?

MeAgain91 · 09/08/2018 16:01

Her eyes off her pram*

BertrandRussell · 09/08/2018 16:01

Obviously different rules apply to immune compromised babies.

BertrandRussell · 09/08/2018 16:02

“Also unfortunately yes children are stolen every day so I’m not sure of your point.”

Are they? Where?

MeAgain91 · 09/08/2018 16:05

I literally gave an example of it in my comment. I find it hard to believe that you’ve never heard of kidnapping which must be wonderful but it’s not realistic. It happens sometimes. No often no, but a risk I won’t take for the sake of telling a stranger they’re welcome to talk to my baby and he will happily smile and babble back but I wouldn’t be comfortable with them holding him. I’m his mum and that’s not unreasonable.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/08/2018 16:12

You're obviously extremely anxious MeAgain which must be very hard for you.
Do what you have to get through the day but you're incorrect in thinking that every person that takes an interest in your baby is a threat. The risk is minute.

How many babies in the last day have you heard of being snatched? Or the last week?
Even the last year? And then think about how many babies there are in the world.

Booboostwo · 09/08/2018 16:23

If someone was looking to kidnap a baby I don’t think they would balk at pulling him out of the parent’s arms and pushing the parent to the ground. I doubt kidnappers go round politely asking for a cuddle until someone indulges them so they can leg it with the baby.

BertrandRussell · 09/08/2018 16:30

So children are not stolen every day then?

Where did the horrible incident you mentioned happen? I’d like to look up the news reports.

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