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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have kicked them out?

261 replies

upsideup · 07/08/2018 16:24

Friend has gone on holiday for the first time without her 14 and 16 year old dd's, they didn't want to be left home alone overnight so we agreed they could stay here. We were told that they would be no bother, would be out with friends or in their own house all day and we didn't need to provide meals as they had money to get their own (though we said we didn't mind giving them food), basically we were just giving them a bed in our house to sleep in.

They got here Saturday evening and are sharing dd2's room who was away but back tonight and was planning on sharing with DD1 for the rest of the week. They had trashed her room within an few hours of getting here, gone through all of her stuff, chucked her clothes onto the floor and just made a mess. We had to take out all of dd's private/precious stuff out of the room so they couldn't go through it or destroy it anymore. DD has an en suite, I told them to keep and use their makeup in there as the bedroom has white walls and a white carpet. I looked last night and both their makeup bags were on the white carpet surrounded by loads of makeup stains and there's also what I hope is makeup smeared down the wall. The bathroom and bedroom are just an absolute mess.

They didn't got out at all Sunday or Monday day and just stayed in dds room watching TV, they've helped themselves to food and refused any of the meals I've offered to cook them and have just ordered themselves takeaways to eat in dd's bedroom even though I asked them to eat it downstairs. Whenever I have tried to talk to them they've been blunt and rude, when my kids have tried to speak to them they have been rude to them, they swore at my 4 year old because he was annoying them. When physically fighting with each other in front of 3 year they accidentally pushed her over onto the bench and cut her lip.

They went out last night and came back at 11pm with alcohol and several friends , who we didn't let. It would take to long to list all the things they've done wrong but they've just been a nightmare. So when they got up today at half two I told them to go home, they started to apologise but quickly started getting really angry and stormed out without most of their stuff. I'm not planning on letting them back in here but friend has said to please let them back, that I can't take back my offer and leave them home alone.

I'm not being unreasonable to have kicked them out, am I?
They're not small kids and will hopefully fine, although they probably will trash friends house which I do feel bad about.

OP posts:
LotsToThinkOf · 07/08/2018 21:25

At least they are no longer your problem, and friend has shown her true colours even more now she's managed to palm them off on their auntie. Presumably she'll resume her holiday and not return early to deal with her horrible children.

Wash your hands now, completely. Whatever friend has to say means nothing after the way she's treated you. She knew their auntie had a key yet still tried to guilt your into allowing them back by saying they couldn't get in the house - after everything they did in your house she still wasn't prepared to let them into her house in case they trashed it.

She needs a piece of your mind when she gets back, I bet she doesn't show her face for a while.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 07/08/2018 21:51

Really well done OP

Shame you've lost a friend, but considering her behaviour maybe that's not such a bad thing.

SimonBridges · 07/08/2018 21:57

Glad they are safe and not under your roof anymore.

hiddeneverything · 07/08/2018 22:03

Oh dear. YANBU

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 07/08/2018 23:33

Glad they're safe and not in your house. I'd start totting up the damage now....

trojanpony · 08/08/2018 00:19

Fucking hell at least they are gone for definite.
Def make the mum pay for cleaning the friendship is totally screwed now anyway so you ha e nothing to lose.

justilou1 · 08/08/2018 00:58

Time to make sure that everyone in your combined friendship group knows exactly what has happened before cf friend comes back and goes into damage control....

springydaff · 08/08/2018 00:59

I did some awful things actually, worse when I was their age. I cringe now when I think of it - I was an intelligent kid, what was I thinking??

I've hosted international students of that age for years and years - there is no way in a trillion years I would put them in a room with a white carpet. See, our lovely reasonable kids [can] change when they get to teendom - suddenly they [can] become thugs, oblivious to almost everything except themselves. Very sensitive thugs, mind.

Maybe the mum, lone parent?, saw this as an opportunity to go on a holiday (her daughters refused to go? Kids that age can be absolute terrorists against their lone parent) and thought it could work. But it hasn't. It sounds like she may not have good family support, either. ime of lone parenting (if she is, indeed, a lone parent) I had to 'steal' stuff sometimes - holidays, time - or I'd never get them. Perhaps she had a go and it plain hasn't worked.

The absolutely crucial thing is they've said they're sorry. That, my dear, is gold dust. The way those girls behaved is not unusual for people that age who are not on familiar territory and therefore way out of their comfort zone - eg they holed up eating pizzas, unable to negotiate the social nuances of living in a stranger's home. They probably didn't realise they weren't supposed to go through all the drawers - until too late. They had each other, so individual personal responsibility would have been low.

Anyway, none of this is your responsibility and YANBU to be mightily pissed off and to chuck them out. Thankfully there is someone on hand to take over.

But don't be too hard on everybody eh. I'm not saying you are - you're clearly a giving sort - but some lives aren't easy and people can behave pretty atrociously sometimes for various reasons.

annastasiabeaverhausen · 08/08/2018 01:17

Fuck that. Your 'friend' set you up. She'd rather your house got trashed then hers. I'd never speak to her again.

annastasiabeaverhausen · 08/08/2018 01:22

@springydaff what if all op's rooms have white carpet?! Where was she supposed to put them?
And who cares if they've said sorry, they're not her kids and the damage is done.

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/08/2018 04:05

"They probably didn't realise they weren't supposed to go through all the drawers - until too late."

This is utter bollocks. They may not care so much about the fact they aren't supposed to do it, but pretty much all of them know it.

I appreciate there's room to attempt to calm roiled waters here, but you aren't going to do that by using reasoning that is suited to the behaviour of a 5 year old, that's just going to make it seem like you are as irresponsible as the mother of these girls. Saying maybe she "thought it could work. But it hasn't." doesn't really hold if when she told the OP they would spend the day time in their own house but then she withheld access to them because she was concerned they would trash the place. She clearly didn't think it could work out, she was already trying to minimise the impact on her life. It might be reasonable to deduce that maybe she thought she could get away with it, but that's a whole different thing from thinking it could work out.

Hopeandeggs · 08/08/2018 05:23

Spring

'They probably didn't realise they weren't supposed to go through all the drawers - until too late.'

Oh come on! I'm a single Mum to teenagers, one of whom has anxiety and additional needs and no way would they just go in drawers emptying everything out and damaging stuff. Neither would they swear at a small child and hurt them. They can be an absolute nightmare at home at times but wouldn't dream of behaving like that!

SimonBridges · 08/08/2018 07:27

The absolutely crucial thing is they've said they're sorry

Oh well that’s ok then. So someone can behave that way in someone’s house and so long as they sorry afterwards it’s all ok.
What about the op’s DD whose room they trashed? Will she get a sorry too which will magically mend everything?

diddl · 08/08/2018 07:59

"they both said they were sorry."

Not an apology I'd be bothering to accept!

"Shame you've lost a friend, but considering her behaviour maybe that's not such a bad thing."

Yup-doesn't even sound like a friend, let alone worth keeping.

KERALA1 · 08/08/2018 08:38

Springy I've hosted girls this age for years and with the odd exception they are fine the behaviour the op describes is unusual imo and unacceptable. That said I am quick to ask students to leave but only done so 3 times in 7 years. You sound a lot nicer than me though! I am a strict host and wouldn't see an apology as "gold dust" talk is cheap. The students I asked to leave couldn't apologise enough didn't mean I wanted them to remain in my house after their insubordination.

emmyrose2000 · 08/08/2018 08:57

The "mother" is an absolute disgrace as a person and a complete failure as a parent. She should be completely ashamed of the brats she's raised.

She knowingly took advantage of you, knowing full well how disgusting her childrens' behaviour is. She doesn't want them trashing her own home, but is/was quite happy for them to do it yours/someone else's?? That takes some breathtaking CF right there.

I'd have reamed them out as soon as they destroyed my DC's room/things, made them fix it and then kicked them out.

Send the "mother" a bill for a professional clean of any ruined areas/rooms and broken items, and then take her to small claims court when she inevitably refuses to pay.

springydaff · 08/08/2018 09:38

"They probably didn't realise they weren't supposed to go through all the drawers - until too late."
This is utter bollocks

I have to agree. Over zealous late night posting.

I stand by the rest though.

Honestly you lot. "an absolute disgrace as a person and a complete failure as a parent"? Get over yourself.

KERALA1 · 08/08/2018 09:50

Kind of a hospital pass by the mother though. Op utterly entitled to be pissed off only a saint wouldn't be

RoseWhiteTips · 08/08/2018 09:53

The mother is beyond contempt.

Screaminginsidemeagain · 08/08/2018 10:02

The mother is a CF and the girls behaviour was appalling but you allowed it to go too far.
Your house your rules.
As soon as the went through your daughter stuff and made a mess you should have put your foot down and made them tidy up.

Eating in the room when you’ve told them not to- absolutely not!

You could have been tougher from the get go.

Hushnownobodycares · 08/08/2018 10:42

We've recently stopped hosting international students after over twenty years. There have been groups we've regretted not asking to leave but we've only actually done it once and that was for being appallingly cheeky about the accommodation not wrecking it.

While holing up in the room and egging each other on in over the top silliness isn't unusual for the age group the wanton destruction absolutely is.

Sadly, OP I think there's a good chance you'll be left to foot the bill for the clear up too. Your CF friend has no incentive to keep you onside now she knows she can't exploit your good nature in the future.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 08/08/2018 13:57

No U at all.

Make sure you ask form money the damage to carpets/DD1s stuff.

Obviously friend was worried that they would wreck her house so decided to let them do it to yours instead.

Your friend should be ashamed of herself.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 08/08/2018 14:48

Do keep us posted on what the CF neighbour/friend says when she returns from her holiday, won't you? I can't wait to hear how she will try and explain away the injury to your child, the eating in the room when explicitly told not to, the makeup on the carpet when told not to, the rummaging through the drawers when it doesn't contain their belongings so is private and out of bounds etc. etc. etc.

springydaff · 08/08/2018 16:56

The mother is beyond contempt.

Hahahahahaha! Just listen to yourself Grin

What is this - we castigate this woman as a scum of the earth mother to, what - feel better about ourselves, our patenting, our children?

Well all the best with that.

Goth237 · 08/08/2018 19:08

They sound like horrific little monsters and that's me holding my tongue. I would be absolutely livid. However, they also sound way too irresponsible to be left alone in their own house. Especially if they're consuming alcohol and bringing home friends. I would contact the police to check on them or SS. Tell their parents that they are no longer welcome in your house and you want some kind of compensation.