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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mummy has a beard on her willy

314 replies

Ahostofgoldendaffodils · 06/08/2018 18:01

I thought I’d combine two of Mumsnet’s favourites: kids saying inappropriate things and lady garden grooming. I’ll start: my two year old DD watched me shower one day and was quite taken with my somewhat blooming bush. Later that day she announced to my DH and MIL that ‘mummy has a beard on her willy’. Admittedly, I do have quite a ‘beard’ down there, but I don’t have a willy. AIBU that kids often come out with some of the most hilarious yet inappropriate things? What’s yours?

OP posts:
aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 07/08/2018 21:08

When DS was about 5, he was in the back of my dads car going out with my parents. A bloke pulled out on my dad without indicating, to which DS shouts 'Does your car not have indicators? Tosssssssserrrrrrrr'

Cue a very furious DM ringing me and giving me a lecture on my language and behaviour whilst driving Blush Blush

KathrynOfArrogance · 07/08/2018 21:24

These have made my day Grin

tillytoodles1 · 07/08/2018 21:30

My friend's daughter kept wriggling in her high chair during a meal out. Eventually she got her foot on the tray and her mum said sternly, in a loud voice "XXX, foot off".

AndBabyMakes3 · 07/08/2018 21:34

These are hilarious; I have it all to come yet! Shock Grin

Leo90 · 07/08/2018 21:50

My dsis one year on holiday came across a woman topless sunbathing and at the top of her voice shouted look that ladies not got no top on everyone can see her floppy ears all whilst pointing at the poor woman.

TrainRager · 07/08/2018 21:50

@AmazingGrace16
A friend's DS about aged 2 was over to play. It was near Halloween and the children were dressing up and playing Halloween themed role play. Her DS pipes up that he wants to "ride that dick like a bitch"...she swiftly translated that he wanted to ride the stick like a witch. I was creased up!

My DS said something similar at the school gates when he proudly announced "look mummy I blow dicks" (meaning 'throw sticks').

My DD had been left in front of the TV for a few minutes and I came in and asked what she had been doing. "watching porn" she replied. I gasped out loud until I noticed the tv show was featuring the reproductive process of frogs. "Look, Mummy, Frog Porn" (spawn).

My most favourite was, however, when DH came home to find DD in floods of tears. I had recently hosted an Anne Summers party and the box of customer orders was by the front door. Thinking her Christmases had cone early, DD had broken into the box and found some unusual toys. Of course I hurriedly removed them from her, much to her disdain, just as DH arrived. He swept her up to console her and, in between theatrical sobs, bemoaned "Mummy.. wont'...let... me.. play... with ... the.. purple.. rocket"....

RhiandJoe · 07/08/2018 21:55

My 4year old goddaughter asked me in the Asda toilet why I had a furry front bum on a busy Saturday afternoon. The queue of waiting ladies all had a singer when we came out.
My goddaughter is now 16 and I'm planning my revenge carefully Wink

Twinbhoys · 07/08/2018 22:02

In the toilet in asda and ds2 says "mummy why are my eyeballs are stuck to my willie"

Mixedupmumma83 · 07/08/2018 22:05

Not a toddler saying but my nan has her opticians appt and was getting bifocal glasses.... however she declared she was getting bisexual glasses!!

I laughed so hard.

simiisme · 07/08/2018 22:16

My son, aged about 3, said loudly in the Debenhams loos, 'Good boy, Mummy; that was a lovely poo!'
I was a bit red in the face when I walked out of the cubicle to a queue full of grinning women :D
ReverseGiraffe Bajonga is my new favourite word!

ScarlettDarling · 07/08/2018 22:28

Another Grandma one... my poor old grandma was going in for a knee replacement operation. She had early stage dementia and had no filter at all. When she met the surgeon before going down for the op he asked did she have any questions. She replied "Only one. You will remember to wash your hands before you operate won't you? Only I know what you men are like for having your hands down your pants and fiddling with your bits all the time." My aunt was with her at the time and said the surgeon was lovely with her and reassured her that his hands would be very thoroughly washed! My poor grandma died years ago now but this story still makes us giggle.

Scientistic · 07/08/2018 22:31

One of mine once shouted 'look at those slags' across an Asda car park. It was world cup season and lots of cars had England flags on.

PastaSauceHoarder · 07/08/2018 22:50

These stories are amazing, definitely preparing me for when my 14 month old is a bit bigger. 😂

Wetwashing00 · 07/08/2018 23:11

So.many.stories.... hers mine.

At the local Shop my DD saw a
Small person.... ‘look mum, where’s the rest?’
I asked her what she meant, she said
‘Only 1 dwarf? But there’s seven! Where’s the rest?’
I had to calmly explain to her that dwarfs don’t roam in packs of 7.

A man on the bus had a very obvious large mole on his face, DD says to him... ‘excuse me, but you got a boogie, right there!’

Back in the day when kids were too small to leave outside the cubicle, I had to bring my DD with me. And of course I was on my period, I kept her chatting and was being very discreet. She hadn’t asked me about it, thank god. I stupidly thought I was safe until.. she shouted across a busy restaurant to my mum
‘Mummy just put a stick in her Minnie!’

Everyone just looked at me... I died

Fartootiredtobeawake · 07/08/2018 23:15

When my nephew was younger maybe 4 or 5, he is 20 now. He was staying with us for a short break. He had watched Pirates of the Caribbean with his parents and loved it, there was a character in it who had octopus tentacles on his face. We were walking and my nephew his hand below his chin wriggling then and said ‘look Aunty, I have testicles on my face’.
I was howling with laughing, clearly I like to remind him of this often!

My daughter is another one who likes to say ‘daddy’ to random men. We live with daddy!

Cotswoldmama · 07/08/2018 23:16

My sons haven’t really said anything funny but my younger sisters have.
I was looking after one when we both went to the public toilets she was on the cubicle next to me and announced very loudly ‘ there’s no loo roll in here I’m just going to have to shake!’
My other sister had been snooping around in our foreign exchange students bedroom and came downstairs with big plasters )aka sanitary towels) on her knees! My mum thought it was so funny she walked her down the road to show her friend!
Ooo another funny thing my cousin said! He was in the car with my aunt and someone over took in a sports car, she shouted wanker at him and he turned to her and said when I grow up I want to be a wanker!

Sasstal67 · 07/08/2018 23:35

When DS2 was little, he referred to lady's bits as pinnys, our other children called them minis but DS2 got mixed up somewhere down the line.

I'd taken him to the local drop in a&e for something so minor I cant recall, and the nurse was chatting away to him to distract him from his whatever part of him she was dressing.

She had a very bright apron with Technicolor teddies all over it, which he was staring at. The look on his face and the gasp of horror when she said "Ooh do you like my pinny? All the little boys like looking at it." I left that hospital almost needing stitches in my lip I'd bitten it so hard! He's 24 now and we still occasionally rib him about it.

differentkindofpenguin · 07/08/2018 23:41

My son was about 6 when he had to start wearing his glasses, and kept forgetting to put them on.
My husband reminded him once, saying " don't forget your spectacles"
Son, looking panicked " are they the things by my willy?'

The other one is my daughter, who is 5, and a lover of all things disgusting. She once narrated a particularly tricky poo in Asda toilets, to the delight of an older lady washing her hands.

Powerless · 07/08/2018 23:47

@WhatWouldCoachBombayDo 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Neem · 07/08/2018 23:53

Cockporn and the dead mouse had me howling tonight! Thanks Mumsnet for a wicked laugh

Bekstar · 07/08/2018 23:54

I once had to explain to my son what a ganglion was after he felt one on his dads arm. Roll on about a week later and I find him sitting on his bed playing with his bits and looking confused. So I asks what he is up to and he says "Just wondering if I have two gangloins down there under my tail"

The other one was him telling his Granny, that ladies have holes and men have tails because men make so much mess so need a tail to point their wee at the toilet.

Tavimama · 07/08/2018 23:59

I have fond memories of my mother flying up the garden when the Vicar called, to dismantle the ‘camp’ my little brother had set up for his action men and Evil Knievel dolls - all of whom had individual hammocks - these being the days when sanitary towels came with loops and a belt. Each little camper had his own bed strung up in the shrubs.

MazDazzle · 08/08/2018 00:08

Took my very chatty niece to the toilet with me when we went to the cinema.

‘You have a hairy bum, but it’s not as hairy as my mum’s!’

Followed by, ‘Why are you telling me to shush, everyone knows grown up ladies have hairy bums!’.

MazDazzle · 08/08/2018 00:09

Same niece announced to her grandparents ‘My daddy has a VERY long tail!’

And because no one acknowledged her comment, she kept repeating it!

MazDazzle · 08/08/2018 00:12

And how could I forget the time my DD came running into the kitchen and in front of my other two DC, DM and DSF asked ‘What are THESE for?’ Her arms laden with sex toys.

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