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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mummy has a beard on her willy

314 replies

Ahostofgoldendaffodils · 06/08/2018 18:01

I thought I’d combine two of Mumsnet’s favourites: kids saying inappropriate things and lady garden grooming. I’ll start: my two year old DD watched me shower one day and was quite taken with my somewhat blooming bush. Later that day she announced to my DH and MIL that ‘mummy has a beard on her willy’. Admittedly, I do have quite a ‘beard’ down there, but I don’t have a willy. AIBU that kids often come out with some of the most hilarious yet inappropriate things? What’s yours?

OP posts:
JerryGiraffe · 08/08/2018 00:13

Out for Sunday lunch after a big night out, I had a very windy tummy and passing wind quietly and unnoticed throughout lunch. Queuing to pay and chatting to a large family table of about 30, all out celebrating the birth of a baby, I have awful wind again and quietly passed wind. Unfortunately ds who was 3, arse-height and standing behind me bellows 'eeeeew mammy, you just farted!!'. The whole restaurant heard!!

Xxalisoncxx · 08/08/2018 00:16

Boy at my daughters old school declared very loudly-'alison you hsve a very large fat bottom' cue me loosing 2 stone!

Itsjeremycorbynsfault · 08/08/2018 00:21

My DD (3) asked me why I have elbows on my chest Grin

Also asked me really loudly in a public toilet 'mummy are you doing a really big poo?'. I wasn't! But it gave a few laughs to others Grin

rainbowlou · 08/08/2018 00:25

My daughter uttered the vomit inducing, sweat producing words ‘guess what mummy and daddy were doing’ at Sunday lunch at my parents house...then proceeded to tell the family we were wresting in the bed with no clothes on...Blush
I also babysat for 2 girls and I was to read them a bedtime story in their Mum and Dad’s bed.
The 4 year old asked if I wanted to see something funny and proceeded to pull out the most enormous dildo I’ve ever seen wrapped in a silk scarf!
I had to try and roll it all back up and put it back but couldn’t look them in the eye when they got home.
My son decided that as I have ‘no balls’ this is where the word invisible has come from, he has balls, I have invisiballs, this little lightbulb moment came into his head in a Tesco toilet queue 🙈

rainbowlou · 08/08/2018 00:26

Wrestling obviously

LlamaPyjamas · 08/08/2018 00:36

My nephew once pointed at a lady with facial disfigurement and said very loudly “Aunty Llama that lady looks like a monster!” I apologised profusely and the lady was fine about it. She said “He’s just a child - I’ve been called much worse by grown adults”. That made me sad Sad

ellastellabella · 08/08/2018 00:45

I was once in John Lewis with my parents, aged three, and screamed "THAT MAN IS HAVING A BABY!!!" at an obese man in the queue. He did NOT see the funny side.

PeachesPlumsPears · 08/08/2018 02:37

OP - thank you for starting this thread. I can't stop laughing at some of the posts. Grin

Just got an email to say that MN is putting this to the Classics Nominations Committee for their consideration.

40isnew50 · 08/08/2018 03:55

When our DD was small she used to go really hyper when she drank fizzy juice so she wasn't allowed it. My DH and I had her at the cinema and we got some sweets and drinks - but we had taken fruit juice for her. We were waiting for the screen to open and were standing in the queue when DD kept asking me for a drink of my Fanta. I said no repeatedly at which point she turned round to DH and said really loudly "mummy is being mean again but you always make me feel good. So please can I have a suck of your coke. Please Daddy?" 😱😱😱

hungryhippo90 · 08/08/2018 04:05

The nursery DD went to, had a few children who were African, I remember picking her up one day, and her saying her friend was going to visit her dad in Africa, when will we visit family there? I explained that we don't actually have family in Africa, and she just started wailing that I was so horrible.

DD told her nursery that I was having a baby .no idea where that came from

One day she was taking an ungodly amount of time in the toilet, it eventually transpired she was racing mice in the bathroom.. numerous tampons floating in the bath.

She broke into my bedside tables one day, found a strawberry lube and it felt like forever if she saw the similar packaging (in Asda,Tesco it's down with the first aid sort of stuff! don't take her shopping in dodgy places) I always felt quite mortified, it was like because she had seen it she felt she owned it.

hungryhippo90 · 08/08/2018 04:08

Oh and the time she ran up to DH, squished his chest and said, I like your boobies. He threw his top away as he obviously looked like he had huge tits. I felt sorry for him, but now we look back and laugh.

Stilllivinginazoo · 08/08/2018 04:34

Ex brings DD home early,quite flustered.didnt tell me properly what happened til 3days later..
He desperately needed a wee and took her to bus station toilets which had no door at entrance.he park buggy(was 2 at time) facing away from urinals so she was looking out of the entrance.she started screaming "cock,cock" at top voice .he nearly died not realising huge clock on wall in her line of vision!!

CosyLulu · 08/08/2018 04:50

In Reception, kids were asked to draw a picture of their mummy to go on the wall for parents to see. Noticing dd didn’t have a picture up, I asked the teacher why not. She looked a bit shifty but then showed me ... dd had drawn me totally naked wuth what can only be described as a grotesque smile with an enormous red mouth and the most gigantic bush of intricately coloured pubic hair. My nipples were a bit menacing too, roughly the same size as my head.

Dd’s 16 now and we really laugh about it still. As well as when the kids had work up about poetry and rhyming and dd’s proudly stated: “I love rimming! Rimming, rimming, rimming, it’s the only thing for me!” I mean it doesn’t even rim ... I mean rhyme.

Bekstar · 08/08/2018 05:06

Cracking up reading some of these. Another one I remember rmy son saying when he was 4. The doorbell rang and as I'd been prepping fish in the kitchen and hubby was having a nap and could see through the window that it was our local community policeman I asked him to open it.
When asked if mummy or daddy where there he replied "Daddy's dead in bed and mummy's in the kitchen cutting heads off with a sharp knife".

Just slightly relived said officer didn't have a tazer and had a slight inkling that he may not mean it literally. Had to mentally remind myself for some time not to refer to my hubby as "Dead to the world" when sleeping, in front of DS, expecially if I'm topping and tailing trout with a sharp knife and there's a policeman at the door.

Our current issue is the fact that at school lunch he has a habit of saying what sounds like "Can I have a fucking knife" when what he means is "Can I have a fork and knife". His teacher tried to coax him into saying it another way one day and instead he got frustrated and said "Fine I won't have a fork n knife, just give me a fork n spoon instead".

Kids just crack you up.

MerryMarigold · 08/08/2018 05:20

I was chatting to 8yo dd in the bath and the topic of the different holes came up so was explaining how they all work and what they are called. She was very taken with the word vagina and kept saying it, 'nectar it sounds so nice'. She then announced they were writing stories in school the next day and she was going to call her dragon 'vagina'. I said her young (male) teacher may find it a bit embarrassing, so best not.

MerryMarigold · 08/08/2018 05:21

Nectar= because

Underappreciatedtococreator · 08/08/2018 05:54

Ds about 3 at the time had a huge tantrum in the public loo because I wouldn’t let him have a period. Also after dd1 was born he complained to his key work that I won’t have sex with him so he can have his own baby. Dd2 aged 2 is extended breastfeeding and down to 3 feeds a day. Sat on the bus yesterday signing “ I need boobs” a large man sits next to me and she keeps asking him for boob and trying to launch at his moobs. I got off the bus early.

Tisahardlife · 08/08/2018 07:20

Some of these are hilarious Grin

I was once stood in a food and drink queue at the local car boot sale with then 3 year old DD when she said "look mummy, that man has stripes on his head" I made all the right noises that suggested I'd looked but was concentrating on my place in the queue and getting closer to the front. She repeated the phrase 2 more times, getting louder and complete with sleeve pulling that so eventually looked expecting to see a man in a stripey hat some distance away. To my absolute mortification what I did see was a very pissed off looking man stood behind us in the queue with a (very stripey) comb over Shock and a number of people behind him looking over at me with amused expressions on their faces.

I ushered daughter in front of me and became animated in talking through with her how the bacon was being cooked to distract Blush

zowuhuc · 08/08/2018 07:43

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CosyLulu · 08/08/2018 07:45

Dd once said to a schoolfriend if hers who had short v abundant hair, “nice hat!” To which the friend replied, “I’m not wearing a hat.” That scene has tickled me for years.

Original poster
Ahostofgoldendaffodils · 08/08/2018 07:48

These are all hilarious - I’m in fits at the dragon called Vagina and the bisexual glasses GrinGrin
PeachesPlumsPears, great news about the classics nomination!

OP posts:
81Byerley · 08/08/2018 08:18

My aunt and her neighbour used to get together for coffee every morning, taking it in turns to host. One morning, in my aunts house, my four year old cousin was being a bit of a pest, so they were trying to persuade her to go next door to the neighbour's husband.
Mum-"Why don't you go next door and play with Uncle Pete?"
"I don't want to!"
"Go on, go and play with Uncle Pete"
"No, I don't want to!"
Neighbour- "Go on, you like Uncle Pete"
"No I don't - he picks his nose and eats it"
Bork....

conwaysavage1 · 08/08/2018 08:27

Where to start?

As he made his first playdate at home welcome, we heard him say: "I have to get changed now, would you like to see me naked".

Arriving at high speed in the lounge, he announced "washing machines live longer with Calgon".

Or how about the deeply philosophical: "Mummy, is today tomorrow".

MUjunkie · 08/08/2018 08:42

CosyLulu I almost checked on my tea when I read that! I have no idea why the teacher wouldn't put a lovely piece of art like that on the wall! 😂😂😂

MUjunkie · 08/08/2018 08:43

choked not checked 😁

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