Mummy has a beard on her willy

[Ahostofgoldendaffodils]

I thought I’d combine two of Mumsnet’s favourites: kids saying inappropriate things and lady garden grooming. I’ll start: my two year old DD watched me shower one day and was quite taken with my somewhat blooming bush. Later that day she announced to my DH and MIL that ‘mummy has a beard on her willy’. Admittedly, I do have quite a ‘beard’ down there, but I don’t have a willy. AIBU that kids often come out with some of the most hilarious yet inappropriate things? What’s yours?

My nephew and son had been playing upstairs and I was having a cuppa with my mum. Down they come with a rampant rabbit they’d switched on asking if it would sting them! I’d have beaten usain bolt off the line that day!

I used to look after a little boy (4) who was playing with buzz and woody dolls from toy story. Whilst playing he looks up and me and says this ‘my mummy has buzz and woody toys too, but not like these ones for children. She has different ones for grown ups only’

Honestly couldn’t breathe from laughing for about 20 minutes. And then when the mother collected him it was very hard to keep a straight face...

My little sister was about 2, sat in the pushchair in John Lewis and obviously bored. She kept asking if we were going and our Mum kept saying "just a sec". Cue my angelic looking sister yelling at the top of her voice "Secs, secs, secs. I'm sick of secs!"
It worked as Mum decided it was time to go!

On a family holiday with my very straitlaced in law's. The dishwasher broke and the rental management company sent out an engineer. "What wrong?" He asked.
"The dishwashers bu**ered" replied my 3 year old.
Sue a week of stoney silence and disapproval.

Out of the mouths of babes..........

While my DD is small we refer to her vagina as her mini. She knows it’s a vagina too though. Queuing in the charity shop recently clutching a toy she held it up to me as we went to pay saying can “I have Mini Mouse mummy?” Big pause and glint in her eye ... “or is it Vangina Mouse?!!!” Hurriedly paid, scuttled out red faced !

This thread has cheered me right up, thank you everyone for sharing 😂

@CaptainCallisto You reminded me of one:

Leaving a local zoo which until recently had a Thomas the Tank Engine ride and would occasionally have visits from The Fat Controller himself.

A little boy (c. 3yo) being dragged out by his father:

'NO NO NO we cannot go yet... I haven't seen the Fat Cunt Roller... I want to see the Fat Cunt Roller'

Today DD saw a photo of me heavily pregnant with her. She asked to then see a picture of herself newborn so I happily obliged, enjoying this lovely moment with my daughter. Then she said "I didn't like it when I was in your tummy mummy." Why? I asked. "Because you are full of blood, and I forgot to close my mouth!" Hence a discussion about womb's, foetal sacks and umbilical cords began!

Ds (4.5) also told someone a few weeks ago - "Mama has been shouting at Daddy because her pyramid came out of her bum"

He meant period. And obviously not bum. And I was actually shouting at Daddy because he's an annoying twat not because I had my period.

These are sooo brilliant!!! I think I got off quite lightly - although I do remember being round at an old ex-BF's parent's house (DH wasn't with us) and ex-BF walked across the drive in a woolly hat and DD (aged about 4) shouted 'Daddy, Daddy!!' Cue much hilarity from all.

“Mummy, Daddy has a winkie. And I have a winkie. But you don’t have a winkie, mummy. You have spikes.”

Looking at mini beast pictures with 4 year old
"I don't like clock munchers do you?"
COCKROACHES , you don't like cockroaches!!!!

Cock munchers - see even auto correct doesn't want to say it!

When my eldest was about 3 I was on the toilet, I have told him never to answer the front door on his own.
The door went and yep he answered it, I could hear him tell the person at the door that mummy is having a great big poo.
But nope not just that, when I got to the door he had taken all my kickers and bras of the radiator and had hung them all around his neck!

Knickers* bloody autocorrect

These are so funny!!

A little boy I know came up to me the other day with a toy gun and said very loudly ‘bang!’ I pretended to cry and said I didn’t like guns because they hurt me. He looked very sorry and gave me a huge hug while saying ‘I’m sorry!!! I’ll go bang someone else’

Still makes me laugh now 😂

When I was getting undressed once my ds said "mummy, where's your winky" so I had to explain that I don't have one, he said "poor mummy" to that.

My 2 kids were in a gymnastics lesson together. The 3 year old told the teacher “I have to pee, and [big brother] had to pee”...sure enough, big brother had wet pants. She managed to see the funny side.

Read all the thread before sleeping last night and laughed so loud woke husband and kid up.

Mummy, are your udders the same as a cows udders?

When DS was 2 I was fed up telling him to stop fiddling with his willy. Got no idea why the obvious hadn’t dawned on him, but he was in the room when both OH and I were getting ready. He looked at me in shock and said ‘ Mummy!! Where is your willy??’ Quick as a flash (and with a poker face) I said ‘ I kept fiddling with it and it fell off’ problem solved

DS2 just walked in on me on the toilet "mummy, why are you wearing a nappy? Aren't you a big girl?"

That my son is a panty liner because your mummy didn't do enough pelvic floor exercises....

And my dad refused to take my little brother to the toilet after my brother excitedly shouted out "daddy, when will mine get as big as yours?". He was mortified. 20 years later it still makes us laugh.

My youngest son (when he was 2) asked “mummy do you have a baby in your bottom too” 😂😂

My DDs when they were toddlers used to love shouting out about my 'boobies' and hairy bottom when we were in the leisure center changing room.
Put me off swimming for a while...