Mummy has a beard on her willy

[Ahostofgoldendaffodils]

I thought I’d combine two of Mumsnet’s favourites: kids saying inappropriate things and lady garden grooming. I’ll start: my two year old DD watched me shower one day and was quite taken with my somewhat blooming bush. Later that day she announced to my DH and MIL that ‘mummy has a beard on her willy’. Admittedly, I do have quite a ‘beard’ down there, but I don’t have a willy. AIBU that kids often come out with some of the most hilarious yet inappropriate things? What’s yours?

DS1 once assured me that 'the winky man was coming in his winky van to give all the ladies winkies'

I'm still waiting

Tell the winky man I’m happy with what I’ve got thanks

My nephew was potty training and my sister was trying to get him to sit on the toilet for wees.

“Sit down please”
“No mummy!”
“Yep, on the toilet!”
“No mummy!”
“Come on.”
(With exasperated contempt) “Mummy! I not want to wee sitting down like a vegetarian!!”

In his defence, I don’t think he was actually using vegetarian as a crippling insult - my sister (who wees sitting down) is veggie and her husband (who stands up) isn’t. Still makes us all laugh years on though.

My three year old ds kept referring to my willy I said to him ladies don’t have a willy and they have two bottoms . He announced “two bottoms how exciting !” And proceeded to tell everyone he met for the next week that his mummy hAd two bottoms

Read the whole thread in one sitting.. Absolutely crying with laughter.
I think we should have a mumsnet vote for our favourite.. Mine is @rumblemumble
And her dc's comment her Bush wash 'such a mess'

and her mum said sternly, in a loud voice "XXX, foot off"

When I worked in a school there was a very wriggly little boy called Jack. I soon discovered that it was not a good idea to say "Jack, off!" when he climbed on the table - the kids didn't notice anything, but the other adults got the uncontrollable giggles.

This has made me chuckle soooo much. PMSL @ Winky Man!

DS2 (6) is the source of much amusement in our house. A couple I can think of off the top of my head...

Fairly recently he was snuggling up to me and was stroking my leg..
DS2: "Mum, your legs are prickling me."
Me: *mental note to shave
Same situation a few days later...
DS2: "Your legs aren't spiky any more"
Me: "No, I shaved them"
DS2: "Why?"
Me: "It's just what ladies do, like Dad shaves his face"
DS2: "Ohhhhhhh I thought it was an illness"

Another one from when he was about 2 or 3, doing the usual kid mischief...
Me: "Son, please don't put toys down the back of the radiator..."
DS2: "Don't talk to me, I have an important face."

@kittenface.. OMG 'don't talk to me I have an important face'
That is my new favourite phrase.. Just used it on my teens...

@theredjellybean it certainly put me in my place at the time!

Oh god, where to start. Most recent ones are actually with my 10 year old daughter.

DD - conversation about sex, prompted by the infernal book "what's happening to me".

• mummy, boys bleed too don't they?
• no darling, what gave you that idea?
• well it says in my book that the blood rushes to the penis and then it comes out...

Yes, best to be explicitly clear when explaining ejaculations Usborne...

And the other one, which I tell not knowing whether to laugh or cry, talking about the actual deed itself.

Me - it's not just done to have babies, when you're old enough, a grown up and you're with someone you love and trust it is something really lovely to do.

DD -urrgh, I'm not sure I'll enjoy that. Can I try it out with Daddy to see if I like it?

Me - no, it's not something you do with daddy, or your brother

DD - well I love daddy, and you said it needed to be with someone I loved and trusted...

Mental note that she's clearly not quite ready for conversations going into that much detail. DH was mortified.

Oh pheasantplucker.. That's actually rather sweet... As clearly daddy is the man she loves and trust the most... As it should be!
But yes awkward to explain incest to a 10yr old.

My dd when she was about 4 walked in when dexh was weeing. After studying him carefully she said 'that looks quite heavy daddy would you like me to hold it for you'

jellybean I shouldn’t have read that near a napping baby, my ribs hurt! Love love love this thread.

“Auntie DryHeave... you have FAT BOOBIES”

“Auntie DryHeave... you have FAT BOOBIES”

Better than my niece looking up my top and asking 'why don't you have any boobies, you're a lady??'

My 7 year old cousin once said to me, "why have you got red dots all over your face?" And ran to the other side of the room.

"It's spots, you sometimes get them when you're a grown up because of your body changing" I said.

"Oh, I thought it might have been the plague and I didn't want to catch that. I'll come and sit back down!"

Thankfully not mine....DS and classmate, around 7 yrs old, came trotting out to the waiting parents. His friend's mum was nearby by chatting to fellow 'posh' mum so the little friend walks up and announced to me, proud as punch "Our dog is a "bastard". "Ummm oh ummm okay ummm" while I glance with a 'some help here please' look at the mother. She just turned beetroot red and pretended it wasn't happening. He repeated it and awaited my response. "Oh umm perhaps we shouldn't use that word (insert name here)?" "But she is, she's a BASTARD!" he announced even louder and with utter commitment. Ding, on goes the lightbulb "Ah, do you mean she's a bitch?" Cue a 7 yr old having a moment of clarity, going even redder than his mum, who he couldn't even look at and proceeding to sweat like he was mid menopause.

My ds 6 told his stepf after we were married he was a bit cross as he wanted to marry me himself!!

“I love rimming! Rimming, rimming, rimming, it’s the only thing for me!”

^

On floor

Freud might have a word or two to say about that one Aprilshowers

www.dailystar.co.uk/real-life/722002/mumsnet-aibu-parenting-fail-kids-vagina-comment-am-i-being-unreasonable

Made it into the star 😂😂😂

In the throes of toilet training my 2.5 yr old DD (who is now 6). When she had done a wee, we would congratulate her and say something like “well done on doing a big wee!”

Anyway, out one day shopping with her and we went to a loo in M&S (or somewhere) and I was on the loo and DD was in the cubicle with me. She announced extremely loudly “well done mummy that was a massive wee - you’re such a good girl!”

Cue sniggers from the many in the queue outside

At about 2 my daughter wondered unexpectedly into thr bathroom as my husband was in the bath

She then shouts loudly

"Oh look at that it's like a little finger"

Needless to say I found that much funnier than my husband did. 🤣🤣🤣

OMG! We’re famous (for all the wrong reasons)

Bluntness100 , that did make me lol.

My son is convinced women's bits are called a penis and is quite fascinated with mine at the moment. Once in the bath he had a look and said 'Yuk, your penis is all squashed, it's like a chicken'. He also asked me when I was on the toilet 'Mummy, are you sad that your penis is mushy?'. I've told him many times that it is a vagina but for some reason he occasionally calls it a 'diary'.

Kid came out of school one day and it was the day of sex education she was in p5 or something and announced at the top of her lungs in the playground, mum I was a spurm