Mummy has a beard on her willy

[Ahostofgoldendaffodils]

I thought I’d combine two of Mumsnet’s favourites: kids saying inappropriate things and lady garden grooming. I’ll start: my two year old DD watched me shower one day and was quite taken with my somewhat blooming bush. Later that day she announced to my DH and MIL that ‘mummy has a beard on her willy’. Admittedly, I do have quite a ‘beard’ down there, but I don’t have a willy. AIBU that kids often come out with some of the most hilarious yet inappropriate things? What’s yours?

DS1 when he was about 6...

DS1: Mum, is sick a swear word?
Me: No, Son?
DS1: Hmm. What about F**ker?

Well that escalated quickly!

When I was 3 my little sister was Christened. After the service my parents were thanking the vicar when I decided to show him my new ring that I was wearing for the occasion.

To be fair I’m sure I didn’t realise sticking my middle finger up whilst asking “do you like my new ring” was such a bad thing!

I was such a cute innocent little blonde thing too!

I’ve had such a laugh reading all of this. Just glad me DC aren’t the only ones

I seemed to have form for embarrassing my rather conservative nana when I was tiny.

Was in a beach restaurant owned by family friends and was with my whole family when i was around 3-4, must have had a conversation with my parents about privates some point earlier in the day, saw a man in Speedos and yelled 'DADDY! THAT MAN IS A PENIS LIKE YOU!!!' Must have meant to say has a penis... I hope anyway!

My 2nd birthday was a week before my sister was born so i literally had just turned 2, and this occurred when nana took me to meet my sister in hospital. Mum was on the maternity ward next to a black lady and apparently I insisted that I wanted the black baby as my sister as mum already had 'a pink one' meaning myself.

Also said very loudly in a shopping centre that the lady infront of us was very fat.

Remembered another.

DS used to have trouble saying 'chocolate'. When we used to go through the tills at shops with sweets on display he used to start yelling and pointing:

"MUMMY, LOOK! COCKSLUT! I NEED COCKSLUT! PLEASE COCKSLUT?"

If he got some it was "Oh wow! I gots COCKSLUT! COCKSLUUUT... YEEEAH!"

He's 11 now. Yesterday I called a white van man who cut us up a wanker. He exclaimed "Mum! That is so inappropriate!" and creased up laughing at me for being "un-mumlike". I was not expecting that reaction. Must watch myself!

3 year old playing with her dolly whilst the health visitor was visiting newborn 'now then Susan if you don't behave Mummy will have to shut you in the cupboard again'. I swear I never did that!

Marking place and still working my way through, but

"Is the queen full of poo?"

The most embarrassing thing my oldest did...he was about 3 years old. I was at the till packing my shopping, my son was standing with his hand down the front of his trousers, obviously having a good “feel” I pulled his wrist to get his hand out, carried on packing, he did it again so I pulled it out. Hand went back in, I could see the lady at the till trying not to snigger and a few passers by looked at him. So I said “please don’t do that, it’s not nice” so he piped up “but it is nice mummy” 😊
I didn’t know what to say.
He’s 17 now and hates me telling that story.
My second son once asked in a supermarket why the lady beside us was so fat. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t reply. So he asked again.
Same son also saw a delivery driver with very dark skin, he’d just knocked with a parcel, we don’t have a lot of darker skin people where we live, so he asked “mummy, why is that man so burnt...he’s really burnt” I just apologised, but thankfully the man thought it was funny.

I took my DS out with two of his friends last weekend for a good few hours.

Sitting in McDonalds with the three of them, they decide to give each other nicknames. Ds says well you're Ninja to friend a, and I'm spud and you're erm, well erm…… ? For his friend B to suddenly pipe up 'I think you're trying to say Dickhead'

My DH was collecting the food and I've never wanted the ground to swallow me up so much in a packed mcdonalds. I replied 'It better not be...… 'no, mum, no it's not'.....

Absolutely mortified, clearly he's heard it in his own household or somewhere to just come out with that as a nickname for someone, let alone yourself....

My younger sister saw me getting out of the bath while I was in my early teens and "developing".

"D"Sis was have been 7 years old. She ran to our Mum, declaring in the most horrified hushed tones imaginable

"Mum. She has HAIR THERE. Should we call the ambulance? ".

My DD commented on how lovely my highlights were yesterday. They’re not highlights, they’re my grey hairs! 😩

Just found this thread. Thank you so much for the tears of laughter! Not exactly on thread but gender discussion at earsplitting volume on a very quiet bus:

DD1 aged 3-4: Mummy, why has that man got an earring?
Me: I don't know. Maybe he likes it.
DD1: Only ladies have earrings don't they Mummy? Men don't have earrings, do they Mummy?

Well, it's nice to be the Oracle sometimes but not when the 20ish year old sitting on the seat directly OPPOSITE you is looking distinctly annoyed and passengers are turning round to look.

DD1: That's just silly, isn't it Mummy? A man having an earring? Earrings are pretty. They're just for girls, aren't they Mummy?

Me: He can have an earring if he wants one. Ssh now.
DD1: But I'm right aren't I Mummy? Earrings are just for ladies. Men with earrings look silly don't they? Mummy? Mummy! MUMMY!
Me (only reply possible): Yes, you are right. Shut up.

DD1 looks at stupid man with earring and smiles smugly.

OMG, we're going to the terminus. I hope he gets off soon.

Years ago I got a really crap hair cut and highlights (cheap!), my lovely dd being polite and sweet as usual said, Mummy. I love your new hair and and I really like the black line they’ve drawn down the middle

@rainbowlou