Mummy has a beard on her willy

[Ahostofgoldendaffodils]

I thought I’d combine two of Mumsnet’s favourites: kids saying inappropriate things and lady garden grooming. I’ll start: my two year old DD watched me shower one day and was quite taken with my somewhat blooming bush. Later that day she announced to my DH and MIL that ‘mummy has a beard on her willy’. Admittedly, I do have quite a ‘beard’ down there, but I don’t have a willy. AIBU that kids often come out with some of the most hilarious yet inappropriate things? What’s yours?

When we were changing after swimming the other week my dd5 piped up... mummy you have huge boobies, I want big ones like you and nanny but I don’t want brown ones like you..... she was talking about my nipples....que a 5 minutes explaining she too will have big brown nipples when she’s older 🙈🤣

Any army wives on here can relate. Walking through the NAAFI with my kids in a trolley calling every guy in uniform 'Daddy, daddy!!!'

My ds called it a spiderweb in the shower! [Blush]

A friend's son told a shopkeeper his mum had a beard in her pants. We howled.

A label 😂😂😂

I dunno how any of these kids are still alive lol, you would get off a prison sentence if you told the judge what they said, wee feckers lmfao

My ds (3 years at the time) saw me shaving my bikini line in the shower and then spent the following few days telling anyone who’d listen... ‘mummy shaves her bottom’. The way he said it made it sound like I had proper hairy bum cheeks!

After learning about skin in science class: "and that's how you have semen on your face"

..meaning, sebum

embarrassingly, this was me to my DM.

Just remembered another one.
DD (then 3.5) was walking in front of me in a beer garden. She suddenly shouts
"WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?"
I say quietly that since I am her mummy I am, in fact, allowed to follow her.
She shouts again
"I DON'T KNOW YOU! YOU'RE NOT IN MY LIFE!"

Kid -7- surpriced us. Later complained how embarrising we were. Apparantly everybody knows that man is on top, and typically her parents didnt Know how to do 🤣

I think one of my favourites was an article I read once in a mag. The article was called "The Mommy Zone" (North American, for spelling explanation). The woman who wrote it has a young son. She said they were in public and her son had to go to the bathroom - "But not the Girr-uls, because I'm a boy". So she let him go in the men's by himself. Then he started screaming that he needed help to wipe. She said she finally went in there and ducked past the men until she reached the stall where her son was hopping up and down as if he were some crazed Hare Krishna devotee (her words) screaming, "Wipe me now!" She got him done and his clothes back on and then was trying to sneak out of the toilets as inconspicuously as possible when he started saying he needed to wash his hands. She said "Later" and then he yelled, "I have POOP on my THUMB!" She said the men started laughing and then she realized she'd just entered the Mommy (sic) Zone.

That's bizarre ReverseGiraffe

Looking at sanitary products in supermarket my tiny son said, loudly, "Mummy has those when her bum's bleeding".

@InsomniacAnonymous
Not that bizarre, she had had a lesson on stranger danger at preschool not long before.

My 3 year old son was watching me get dressed, looking at my (brown) pubic hair.

"Mummy, you done a poo" he helpfully informed me.

I once had a friend who was absolutely lovely, but her house was disgusting, so I'd never go round to hers. Once, she invited me and my then 3yr old son around for dinner, who piped up and replied 'my mommy won't come as she told my Gran that your house is a SHITHOLE'.
I was completely mortified.

When I nannied in the States in a predominantly White area, little boy I nannied for was about 3. Every time we saw someone African American he would run up to them and loudly yell “It’s so nice to meet you Mr Obama!”

Also about age two, carrying a Hotwheels car in his hand at the park, this little old lady said to him “And now what do you have there?” And he loudly proclaimed “I have a penis! It’s bigger than XYZ (DB’s name) but much smaller than daddy’s”. Little old lady didn’t quite know how to respond to that.

In a packed public toilets. Lock door, 3 year old does a poo, I have a quick wee immediately after and he puts his hands on his knees and looks in the bowl and shouts,

“ MUMMY WHY IS THERE SWEETCORN IN YOUR POO.. THERES LOTS OF SWEETCORN IN THERE..”
I told him it was in fact HIS poop, and flushed. Heard giggles by the sinks and thought, fuck I’m going to stay in here til it’s quiet. That was, until he looked back in the bowl after flush and his floater was still hanging around and he went at it again , “WOAH YOUR SWEETCORN POO DIDNT FLUSH”

Could. Have. Died.

On my DD's 2nd Birthday we took her to an activity thing at Toys R Us and decided that for a treat we would go to McDonald's, we were sat literally in the middle of the place and she asked my mum what her drink was, my mum responded saying it is coffee, cue my DD shouting "I want Cockey!" At the top of her voice, the more me and my mum laughed the louder she got.

My pregnant friend was visiting, when she left DD asked where the baby was as she couldn’t see it. I explained it was in her tummy. Next time friend was visiting I told my DD friend was on the way. DD then said no she mustn’t come I don’t like her, I asked why? DD said because she eats babies!

Ok this isn’t really what one of my kids said but my dd who was about 7 at the time went upstairs to get changed into something she could wear on the trampoline... I’m sitting with my mil & dp... anyway in comes dd with my crotchless, lacy body suit from Ann summers on!!

Sorry, but that did make me chortle.

I was born in the mid sixties. We lived in Brighton. My dad (who had been a Mod and always favoured a sharp suit style of dress) disliked the hippie look and there were a lot of hippies in Brighton in the late sixties/early seventies. One day, mum and dad took 6 year old me on the bus into town and I yelled out and pointed as some hippies got on 'look Daddy, there are some of those long haired smelly buggers you're always talking about'!

I took a friend's DS (7) to a small cafe and he went off to the toilet.
He came back, sat down and announced in a loud voice -

'There was no paper in there and now my bum is all slippery'

Eurgh

I am howling at this thread 😂😂😂

I don't have kids but my little brother (who is 11 now) came out with some right corkers.

"Grandad, when I'm older will my willy and bits nearly fall down like yours? Do you have to tie them up with a lastic band?" - said age 4 or 5 when he burst in on my Grandad in the shower.

"I looooove green piss! You always have some but not me" - age 3 in a very "naice" restaurant, angry that my dinner included peas and his didn't

'Mummy! You have fur like a cat there!' pointing at my actually well manicured patch.

Mum!!! You need to make sure the chicken is dead! slapping frozen chicken I'd put in the trolley You just never know which way the chicken crumbles!!!

Do they speak English in Scotland? quick explanation about accents and his massive Scottish family Well...I'm not convinced!!

On why we shouldn't really kill spiders and a quick conversation about Robert the Bruce and his Nanny Jock turning in her grave:
Well. The spiders shouldn't be trespassing on our land!!
The Irony in that one was not lost on me!

He was bloody 3!

My Scottish relatives are amused and horrified in equal measure . He now actually cheers Scotland on and bought a Scotland rugby shirt recently.

My son climbed on my knee and said while pointing at my face, mummy needs to shave it off (my moustache)

Also when he learnt his colours he pointed at my teeth and said yellow!!

Kids gotta love em!!